The ARIA Awards 2012

It's almost time for the 2012 Arias. Will they live up to the infamy of the 2010 ARIA Awards?

Once again the list of nominees is baffling. The big question that jumps out in all categories is WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Is this a local battle of the bands, or are these the biggest acts in the country?

Every year an artist emerges from the Breakthrough Artist category to have nominations in pretty much every other award, which would seemingly make them the biggest Australian music act of the year. But every year, the artist is more obscure than the last, which is funny in an industry driven by popularity. Last year it was Boy and Bear, and this year it's an artist known only as 360.

Breakthrough Artist - Release
360 – Falling & Flying
Alpine – A Is For Alpine
Lanie Lane – To The Horses
Matt Corby – Brother
San Cisco – Awkward

Is it a good thing? Or does it point to lack of consistent talent – evidently none of them have the ability to stick around long enough for an invite to next year's awards. And mostly people have never heard of them, before or after the awards, and whether or not they win.

That's not the only oddity in the Album of the Year category this year… The baffling continues…

Album of the Year
360 – Falling & Flying
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Missy Higgins – The Ol' Razzle Dazzle
The Jezabels – Prisoner
The Temper Trap – The Temper Trap

Missy Higgins? Is she still around? Her nomination is for both Album of the Year and best Adult Contemporary. Wow. Is Australia's music taste is that bland that adult contemporary is actually popular? Is the soundtrack to parties and road trips around the country… adult contemporary? Does everyone wear chinos and eat cucumber sandwiches as well? Razzle Dazzle indeed.

And what about the Jezabels… They're also up for best Independent Release. What does that mean? How can the biggest album of the year also be an independent release? Isn't the definition of an independent release mean it's a small, localised release? That's a lot of km's around the country in the old Kombi Van…

And as for the other categories, the confusion continues.

Best Male Artist
360 – Falling & Flying
Angus Stone – Broken Brights
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Guy Sebastian – Battle Scars
Keith Urban – For You
Matt Corby – Into The Flame

Keith Urban is up for Best Male Artist, which is strange because he's not up for any country awards or any other awards. No doubt the guy is a legit big deal in the country scene, but if he hasn't released any albums or singles recently, how is he Best Male Artist? Does going on a TV show count? Is it that ARIA hasn't announced the award for best musician in a TV show as yet?

As for the rest of the categories, they're all full of surprises as expected. Blues and Roots should also be known as the award for 'We Don’t Know to Put Them' – I wonder if they just had a spare table at the ceremony to fill? Over in the 'Are They Still Alive' category, Cold Chisel are up for two awards, and Frenzal Rhomb are in there too. The other categories are filled with the usual mix of reality TV show contestants, and groups who you could swear ARIA just made up for the hell of it.

So what will be the story of the 2012 ARIAs? Which new group will emerge and disappear just as quick? Does anyone even know or care that they are on, now that they're on Channel Go?

Beauty And The Geek

What is it about Beauty and the Geek?

The premise of the show is possibly the most contrived of all the reality shows on TV. It has all the fakeness, fluff and over the top stereotyped gender roles to give it express entry into the trash pile of failed Aussie reality misses.

But somehow, instead of floundering, it flourishes.

SURPRISE! People watch!

Channel 7 has stumbled upon a winning formula which sees people who would normally prefer to throw their TV out the window than watch this kind of show, switching on in droves. And no one finds this more surprising than the fans themselves. Twitter and Facebook are awash with posts from perplexed fans who can't understand why they are hooked, but are happy to share their guilty pleasure with the world.

Maybe it's the so-bad-its-good factor, maybe it's the chance to laugh at the social graces of nerds and bimbos. Of course, there's the ever reliable audience of teenage boys hoping to catch a glimpse of some forbidden flesh of the beauties that made it past the editing table. But the rest of the audience? Who knows?

BATG is billed as the ultimate social experiment, but the outcomes are as predicable as clockwork, and it is anything but an experiment. The thinly veiled disguise that BATG is a self improvement show about Geeks coming out of their shells, or Beauties learning to be real people doesn't fool anyone. No doubt its an easier sell to the network execs who still believe they haven't stooped to the depths of The Shire or Big Brother to entice viewers and advertisers. But the rest of us know that this show has about as much to do with genuine human growth and as a company outsourcing their call center to a robot in India… but Channel 7 are happy with that, and evidently, so are the fans.

Its clear that BATG is to reality what a Bangkok market is to Louis Vuitton – a genuine fake. More time was probably spent on cultivating the Geeks' bad hair and Revenge of the Nerds dress style to get them ready for the show than it was to cast them in the first place. We know the Beauties are hamming it up for their next FHM photo shoot, and we know that the Geeks are probably hipsters who were previously extras on Neighbours. No one watches BATG thinking the outcomes will stick or any of the characters are real. And its not sold that way by Channel 7. The same can't be said for other reality love-match shows which actually claim to be more. The Farmer Wants a Wife claims to be about people falling in love on the farm, where it's really about city chicks looking to get their head on TV to start their modelling careers, and farmers who are just up for a quick shag.

Probably one of the best episodes of BATG is the Geek makeover. Once the pony tails and glasses are removed, a surprising number of Geeks amazingly have ready-made six packs, good looks, and a curious confidence that was never there before. Just in time to make them attractive to the Beauties for some fireworks in the final half of the series! Hmmm… Just like watching a B grade action movie where the aim of the game is to see the guy inside the mechanical dinosaur, the makeover show is all about seeing which Geeks are really geeks, and which are ring-ins from a casting agency.

Does this beard make a more believable Geek?

Another win for BATG is that Channel 7 has managed to resist screening it every night, a lesson they could have used over Australia's Got Talent, which died a painful but relieving death of over saturation. Maybe Channel 10 should take this lesson on as well; their textbook killing-by-saturation of the once funny Modern Family is a joke in itself. At last count it was on 8 nights a week. Maybe the low profile time-slot and advertising for BATG is also something that makes people less judgmental about people who watch it. There is no unavoidable bombardment advertising like there was for The Shire and Bingle, which, even if you were a closet fan, there's no way you'd share it with your besties on Facebook.

Whatever it is, Beauty and the Geek has the looks and the smarts. Lets just hope Channel 7 doesn't try to do a make over…

Who knows, sometimes the tackiest, most over the top and fantastically plastic things can become classics…

The Real House Husbands of...

After the bombardment of ads during the Olympics which were only slightly less annoying than the commentary itself, Channel 9’s post Olympic schedule has barely raised a mention.

From Underbelly: Yet Again, which may or may not have made it to its final episode; to Big Brother which is now just a Gold Coast share house of bored people, as surely the cameras have been turned off by now; and finally to House Husbands, which has already merged into the mashed up memory of mundane Aussie dramas that went nowhere.

House Husbands has been advertised as:

 "A fresh and dynamic look at Australian family life, with a very modern twist" 

A dubious quote, as I don't know how the adjective 'fresh' can be used to describe an Aussie drama about the boredom of suburban living, with the same old plots, seen a thousand times, brought to life by a cast of tired faces we've seen a thousand more times. Once again we have yet another version of a show about ‘Ordinary People, Everyday Problems’.

As for the 'modern twist', whoa, how progressive, men looking after their kids. Way to get out there Channel 9. The House Husbands seem to be a cross between the bumbling men in those ridiculously sexist ads, who display the intelligence of a slug as they try to find the yogurt in the fridge, or somehow successfully cook a frozen meal that is so easy, even DAD can cook it; and the lazy slob Dads of the painful American sitcoms in the 'Fat Man, Hot Wife' genre, where they just want to watch car racing while being belittled by their sassy wives and smart ass kids. Think 'According to Jim', 'Home Improvement', and the big daddy of them all - 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

As is standard with Aussie TV, the show is full of the familiar faces you don't want to see again. Not daring to stray too far from their comfort zone, Channel Underbelly 9 has cast two of the main characters from the alumni of Underbelly has beens. They've clearly run out of cop shows to put them in. On top of that, we also get to see Gary Sweet As in his latest attempt to keep his Aussie larrikin persona going. The biggest question here is how does this show try to pass him off as one of the kids' fathers? Maybe as the father of one of the other Dads?

House Husbands gives us a gaggle of forgettable-but-déjà-vu story lines, including hapless husbands braving the after-school pick up, and weary wives being over their jobs. How much mileage can they get out of these mundane situations? I cant wait for the episode where Gary Sweet As does the ironing, or when the guy from Underbelly takes the kids to the supermarket to get milk, but sneaks a packet of Twisties without the wife finding out (maybe they could rip off that ad where the Dad is so stupid he can't even pick the right brand of bread for his high maintenance family). Nothing like watching TV about people doing the boring tasks that you are avoiding doing yourself by watching TV.

In this week's episode Mittens
gets the ironing done.

And its all confusingly advertised to the soundtrack from Reservoir Dogs. Are the promotions teams at Channel 9 so conditioned to Underbelly that they automatically think every scene in every show has to copy their favourite gangster film?

Its surprising this show has made it this far. That said, its minimal impact matches 9's other attempt at drama – Tricky Business (is that show still on?) Maybe there's something interesting happening in the Big Brother house that Channel 9's writers could use as inspiration?

Puberty Blues = Not So Blue

2012 has been a benchmark year in awful for Australian TV.

From the endless reality lowlights of Everybody Dance Now, Big Brother, Bingle, The Shire, and Excess Baggage, to the drama misses of House Husbands, The cheap ripoff of Sons of Anarchy Bikie Wars, Underbelly 58, and Winners and Losers; it's been nothing but bland predictable failures from go to woe.

But somehow, one drama that was firmly in the category of likely 2012 failures, has miraculously been able to buck the trend. Whether its by blind luck or design, who would have thought that Puberty Blues could actually be popular? When Channel 10 announced a remake of this 1970s film, a collective groan was heard across the country. Are there any new ideas in Australian TV. Any?

Of course, the answer to that question is no...

...But to everyone’s surprise, Puberty Blues is different. It has a hook. A coming of age drama is nothing new, but one set entirely in the 1970s is a surprisingly refreshing idea. Puberty Blues is essentially the typical “ordinary people, everyday problems” scenario that Australian scriptwriters love so dearly, but its the 1970s spin which is a little daring and sets this show apart. More importantly, it shields the writers from showing their ignorance on what real life and real situations are actually like. The nods to the good old simple life in the 70s are quaint, and the language used is timeless. Shut up Moles!

"She's such a Mole"

As is standard with all Aussie dramas, Puberty Blues is a pay cheque for a fair share of Aussie actor has beens. But this is one situation where the recycled actors almost adds to the retro feel of this show, albeit by accident. Although the retro feel has a very 90's flavour with all the hits including McLeod's Daughters, Water Rats, Blue Heelers and Stingers well represented in the CVs of the cast of Aussie washed ups.

Claudia Karvan is the one exception, and is a coup for Puberty Blues. Even though she has done the rounds of Aussie TV, she’s steered clear of the Neighbours, Home & Away, cop show, and hospital drama traps, and doesn't have that same washed up feel of her hack colleagues co stars. How she’s managed this is deserving of a Logie Award in itself. Not to mention she starred in one of the very rare gems of Australian film – The Big Steal. 

The Logie for managing to be an Australian TV actor and NOT
appear on Neighbours and H&A goes to Claudia Karvan.

The other win for this show is that it actually looks like some money has been spent on it to get the 1970s feel. The clothes, the props, they all fit to the 70s. Even the lack of High Def does.

In reality no money has been spent, its just that the budgets of all Aussie TV dramas can only afford used hand-me-down costumes from the 1970s, which have gathered dust since being worn by Molly and Simon on A Country Practice, but in this case it works, as they’ve hit the right era. Its funny how the school uniforms worn in Puberty Blues look exactly the same as those worn by Neighbours and Home & Away characters which are supposedly set 35 years later.

As for the props, is there anything worse than watching an Aussie drama which is set in current times, and seeing the characters boil the kettle on the stove for a cup of coffee, or wash dishes by hand? Does anyone really not have an electric kettle or a dishwasher anymore? You can get electric kettles from Coles for $10! Then again, according to Aussie drama, there is no Coles, all grocery shopping is done at Alf Stewart's corner store.

But once again, this scenario that makes Packed to Rafters look like its filmed in a $2 shop actually works for a show which set in the 1970s. Even the corner store is believable when its the 1970s! I wonder if they sell Big Boss candy cigars.

So it looks like channel 10 have stumbled upon a winning formula. When all the available ideas, dialogue, costumes and props are all decades behind the times, why not set the show to the same era? It'll look more genuine than anything else on TV...

The Shire of Fightin

Ahh the classy characters of The Shire. Making the news for all the expected reasons.

First up, two of the Shire Girls, Sophie and Vernesa, get into a fight with some old friends at a shopping centre. Charming. The old shopping centre fight, the height of class. No word yet whether it was because their old friends snatched the last cherry red lipstick out of the $5 bargain bin before the shire girls could get to it. This was of course jumped on for the exclusive scoop by A Current Affair, who took a rare break from the slander fest with Channel 7 to take a shot at channel 10's finest.

Then came more news of another, ahem, star of The Shire who, after senselessly abusing a stranger on a drunken night, resisted arrest and argued with the cops. This worldwide superstar was heard to yell those epic words:

“Do you know who I am? I’m from the Shire”

Evidently, like the rest of the world, the police didn’t know who he was, and more importantly, didn’t care, and so arrested him anyway. As it turns out, this guy is not even a credited character on The Shire, he is the mate of a peripheral character on the show. Everyone’s a reality star these days.

Another tragic example of the “Do you know who I am?” plight of a deluded reality celeb. So many forgotten reality stars who’s brains have been fried by too many $20 drink cards at suburban nightclubs into actually thinking that their brush with the biz should afford them the status of Prince Harry or Lady Gaga.

But whereas other reality ‘stars’ are mostly harmless vain dimwits, The Shire has lived up to its predictions for being full of violent bullies, racists, homophobes, and just basically nasty conceited people. And Channel 10 is surely uncomfortable promoting these types. Its one thing to poke fun at two girls who’ve botoxed their brains into slush, but how do you promote some violent thug who’s likely next move is to king hit some kid at Maccas at 4am?

No doubt there are sighs of relief behind closed doors at Channel 10 when the ratings come in to show that no one watches The Shire, except maybe its ‘stars’ who are attempting to see if their Southern Cross tatts look as hectic as the street side tattooist in Bali assured them it did.

As The Shire follows Everybody Dance Now and Bingle as overhyped failures, trying to catch a glimpse of the show on its way out is as elusive as finding someone who actually thought it would be a good show in the first place. Shunted from timeslot to timeslot on its way down, it resembles a used lunch wrapper bouncing around the rim of a rubbish bin, before finally and inevitably disappearing down onto Channel 10’s crowded trash pile of 2012 misses.

Don't Tell The Bride. Or Anyone Else For That Matter.

Oh Sally, what have you done? Has Milko been telling you to do bad things again? How could you sign up for such a terrible show?

Oh Milko, I Do

Channel 10's new show, Don't Tell The Bride, goes for the worst of the worst. All men are mouth-breathing caveman idiots, too stupid to give a crap about anything; and all women are bitchy irrational high maintenance bridezillas. Sexist and outdated gender stereotypes, as well as a generous smattering of the urban bogan are the themes here.

The very first introduction sets the scene for this show:

"A show about 'Ordinary Aussie Blokes' taking on the biggest job of their lives"

A rule set in stone in Aussie TV is that as soon as you hear the words "Ordinary Aussie", prepare for a
show about obnoxious bogans acting up for the cameras. We've had The Shire, now Channel 10 follows up with Don't Tell The Bride.

Get ready to laugh at the crushing of the hopes and happiness of young ladies who's imbecile boyfriends organise cheap and tacky wedding days; under the encouragement of their hyperactive friends who are trying to get their faces on TV; and all paid for by Channel 10. Stereotypes, cliches, and more stereotypes.

In the first episode, side splitting hilarity ensues when the groom does such unrealistic man-like things as choose the wedding dress in 8 seconds, and organise the reception at the snow, when his lucky bride-to-be hates the snow. Obviously this sort of conflict is the whole point of the show, but its hard to believe that these decisions are anything close to genuine. Stupidity and manliness aside, would any guy really care that little about the woman he is marrying as to make these types of choices?

Battle of the sexes is a tired and outdated genre.

After watching five minutes of the show, it becomes painfully clear that it is completely exploitative of people who are cash strapped and a little short on brains. A really nasty undertone is evident, and you're left feeling like you've been at a 1980's country circus, watching abused animals being whipped and marginalised people being exploited, all for your entertainment.

Roll up to the greatest show in town.
Laugh and point at people who you are better than.

As low-brow as this show is, and as unlikable as the people on it are, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because its clear they are on the show because they can't afford to pay for their wedding. And Channel 10 is using them so that you, the viewer can laugh at how stupid they are. And Sally's judgemental and condescending narratives just add to the sick feeling of it all.

We'll need one  "Best day ever"
and two "I love you's"

Of course all the episodes end happily, with the bride and guests finally embracing the day. But you can't help but imagine that while the Bride is saying how great her man has done, the producers are behind the cameras waving the contracts which state that there must be some positive comments at the end of the night, or no one gets paid. And once the Producer yells "cut", she goes back to organising the annulment.

The final insult from this show is that it attempts to be genuine and lovey-dovey. It brings up memories of Jerry Springer's 'Final Thoughts' segment where he tried to give some intelligent advice after staging a one hour show about men who want to get a sex change so they can marry their horse.

And finally...

How many guys out there would actually CHOOSE to wear a Homer Simpson tie to their own wedding? Generally, Grooms ALWAYS chose their own attire, and there is never a Homer Simpson or Bugs Bunny tie in sight. Nothing to do with what the bride will or won't allow. Just a bit of self respect.

In fact, ever since they were all the rage for 3 months in 1994, now the only time you see cartoon ties on men over the age of 13, they're on their way to defend themselves at the Shepparton Magistrates court. cartoon ties do go perfectly with the unironed shirt with the folds from the packaging still indented into it.



Don’t tell the Bride? Don’t bother telling anyone. Its already time to divorce this show.

Everybody Dance Now - Like No Ones Watching

Update 21/08 - Gooooone. That was quick!

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/tens-everybody-dance-now-gets-the-chop/story-e6frfmyi-1226455173972


Channel 10’s attempt to to reincarnate the dance reality show with Everybody Dance Now resembles the drunk IT guy trying to shake it in on the dance floor at the office Christmas party. Awkward, stumbling and just plain cringe-worthy.

Everybody Dance Now (Or EDN if you're being supercool) uses the very hip-and-now 'Dance Battle' format in an attempt to elevate itself from the already overcrowded and very tired genre of tv dance comps. But the only battle on this show will be the battle to stay on air.

Thoughts of dance battles conjure up scenes of Breakdance crews hustlin' for props from the flygirls on the streets of the Bronx in 1982. But instead, ballers, graffiti gangs and hip hop hustlers are replaced by burlesque, ballet and contemporary dancers. Not really genres of dance you'd think of with dance battling. Trying to bring high kicks and pirouettes to the streets just doesn't fly. Seeing these ‘battles’, you're just left with asking WHY? Looooong way to go before they get the street cred of Cold Crush and Charlie Chase's Wildstyle Basketball Throwdown.

But possibly the most painful part of the show are the team Captains - Jason Derulo and Kelly Rowland. Clearly they were tricked, paid sqillions, or both to show up. Watching them trying to pump up their teams hip hop style with the "give it up y'alls" and the "Yeeeeeahs" after they've stumbled about on the dance floor is embarrassing. Unable to add any cred to the show, they end up sounding like an infomercial, and are up there in tv sales folklore with Mr. T selling the Flavorwave Oven.

If you watch closely enough you’ll notice the sympathetic glances between Kelly and Jason of "Get me the F*** Outta Here!!!"

Don’t worry, no one in the US will see this. Lets just
 get through it, get paid, and never come back

And its not just the dancing which makes this talent quest more high school dance than soul train summer boogie down. Put aside all the battle distractions, and essentially you're left with a lamer version of Australia’s Got Talent, with a much smaller budget and worse performers. After years of SYTYCD and AGT, the barrel is well and truly scraped when looking for new dance talent.

The staging of this show is almost as bad as the concept, in what is assumed to be an attempt at a GoGo Disco set, clearly someone raided a dumpster and found the old sets from Now You See It, and then got a group of 14 year olds to make some 'youth' inspired enhancements with green cellophane.

The very things that they have tried to inject into this show to set it apart from others like it, are the very things that make such an epic flop. Dance competitions are a crowded genre, but maybe this show could have had legs if it had just been normal, but all the hoopla, balling and shouting make it fake, painful and low rent. One week on air and its already moved time slot on its way to oblivion. Did anyone NOT see this coming? It'll be lucky to make Channel 11.

Why can't networks realise that shows run their course, and when they're done, they're done. Dance was done with SYTYCD's last episode. Next we'll hear they're bringing back Big Brother ;-)

Underbelly Badness – The name says it all

If you foolishly tried to watch 9’s bungled Olympic coverage hoping to see some sports, no doubt what you actually saw was a two week advertising blitz about the tv gems that 9 has in store. A show about Kerry Packer and his struggle to sound like Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock; House Husbands - a show about trying to figure out if Gary Sweet As is supposed to be a father or grandfather of toddlers; and the latest instalment in underbelly badness, aptly named Underbelly Badness.

Like a kid who's antics have turned from cute to obnoxiously annoying, or a washed up crooner who just can't accept his time has past, Channel 9 is serving up yet another dose of Underbelly, even though the show's used by date has well and truly expired. Originality and fresh ideas are certainly dead and buried when it comes to Aussie drama. We've already had Bikie Wars (aka Underbelly: Bikie Wars) this year, which was basically seven dragged-out episodes of slow motion scenes and clichés leading up to a shootout of bad acting and wispy student beards in the final episode. So here we go again with the same thing, but different channel.

The main character that Underbelly Badness revolves around was apparently unknown to the police and the public, which basically means that the Underbelly writers can write what ever fiction they like into the 'true story' plot, and no one will know the difference. Add to that the fact that half the real stories won't be able to be shown due to court proceedings, and we're left with eight drawn-out episodes of not much at all. This instalment is said to share the same "underbelly DNA" as all the other series, so expect the usual underbelly trademarks of awkward boob shots, untimely swearing and deadpan voice overs explaining what was just shown.

And the fiction begins with the name – The main character's real life nickname was not Badness, it was Rooster! Underbelly: Rooster hasn't got much of a ring to it, but Badness isn't much better, and it makes the name choice even more bizarre. But even better than that, Rooster's brother's nickname was Undies! How Channel 9 missed the obvious name of Undies-Belly: Rooster is a mystery.

Cock-a-doodle-doo Mutha F***ers

Naturally, this badness will bring the same old faces of those Aussie actors nobody remembers - a who's-who of ex Home & Away, McLeod's Daughters, and Water Rats 'stars'. One character is played by a Bikie Wars alumni, who was asked to help out with the production budget by smuggling across some prop guns and costumes from the set of Bikie Wars; and there is also a returning Underbelly star, as it is assumed that no none will notice that his character has miraculously raised from the underbelly dead.

Plans are already on course for Underbelly 2013. This one will be called Underbelly: Worstest, and will focus on the story of a Brisbane family man who received a speeding fine for doing 65 in a 60 zone.

The London TV Olympics

Its time for the London Olympics.

And the big question is...

Will Channel 9 do better that the debacle of Channel 7's broadcast of the 2008 Olympics? Or go they possibly sink Aussie tv even lower?

The 2008 Olympics are remembered for Channel 7's terrible broadcast which insisted on showing their crap shows instead of the world biggest event. Being a prime time Olympics, it was always going to be too much for 7 to part from their usual schedule of Today Tonight. Showing stories about heartless Councils fining pensioners wins out every time over showing Michael Phelps winning the Gold. Good choice Channel 7 Execs. Evidently 7 only got the Olympics so Channel 9 couldn't.

Fast forward to now and its time for London 2012. Channel 9 has the rights this time. Will they actually show the Olympics which they undoubtedly paid millions for? Or is it too great an ask to not show the Footy Show for two weeks? One thing that is dead certain is the saturation advertising of Underbelly Badness they will force us to endure. The lead actor better get some real gangsta links, because people will be out for his blood after having him plastered all over their tvs at every ad break for 2 weeks straight.

Aussie Slowpoke Rodriguez is ready to race

One absolute certainty will be the attempted Aussie angle on any event which doesn't involve an Australian. That is if its shown at all. Just like our international news which desperately looks for the Aussie angle in covering Bastille Day celebrations from Paris, so too will the Olympic coverage attempt to put the Australian spin on anything and everything in this so called 'world event'. Lookout for the "Aussie Connections" in any sport not involving an Aussie. Jana from the Ukraine, who's brother once came to Australia on a holiday will be renamed "Aussie Jana", despite the fact she thinks by that Australia we mean Austria.

Aussie Kim Clijsters anyone?

Are the Australian public so nationalist and xenophobic that they can't bare to watch anything that doesn't involve a fellow Aussie? Our tv networks certainly think so. Is this a Channel 9 boardroom conversation?

         "Usain Bolt? Sounds like a foreigner to me. World Record? What about the Australian Record?"

There are hundreds of Aussie athletes competing in London, and congratulations to all of them for making it, but forgive me if I’d rather watch Usain Bolt, the US Basketball Team, Michael Phelps or the British Football Team than some Aussie being smashed in the first round of the badminton by Chinese Taipei. Of course, failing the Aussie connection, wait for the heartwarming story about how some town in East Backwater Nowhereville in central Qld held a fundraiser at the local pub so that Granny could fly to London to watch young Johnny be the cox in the rowing.

But lets be honest, just because they are Australian, it doesn't make them likable. Nobody but nobody wants to see the petulant gits, Tamsyn Lewis and John Steffensen. Their inevitable attention seeking tantrums, and self inflated egos which are only matched in size by the margin they'll lose their race are unbearable. Even to see them lose wouldn't be satisfying, as they shouldn't be there in the first place. And who could forget the two bozos from the swim team, the one who fell off his skateboard and broke his arm, and the other who used his government funded training, fitness, and strength to sucker punch a team member to a bloody pulp. Go team!

Speaking of the Aussie spin, one thing that we can be eternally grateful for is that we wont have to put up with is channel 7’s roving reporter who’s name escapes me (Curly, Curny or something). The concoction of this guy's over-exaggerated Aussie accent and his ridiculous questions to confused athletes who are trying to figure out if he’s speaking English between his G’days, Mates and Aussie clichés are enough to make you move to North Korea for their superior and more balanced media coverage. This simpleton is in his element in the Olympics, where after seeing a sport he doesn't know or understand (making it whimsical and stupid), he asks seasoned athletes from non-Australian countries who have just won a Gold medal: “G’day mate, wow, you were high off the ground in the pole vault weren't you?” The polite nods he gets from these athletes as they edge away to speak with real reporters shows the esteem that 7’s man Curly is held.

Of course to try to avoid showing too many foreigners, we can expect usual trick of flicking between events in order to show every single Aussie competing. Is there anything more infuriating watching your tv switch from a shot at goal in hockey to heat 3 of the 400 meters to a free throw in basketball to a bullseye in archery to a serve in volleyball to an attempted high jump to a dismount from the uneven bars in gymnastics to a shot of Anthony LaPaglia in Underbelly Badness, all within a seizure-inducing 2 minutes?

An Australian Olympic broadcast just wouldn't be complete without references about how Sydney 2000 did it better. Or naive commentators comparing fringe foreigner sports which Australians don't win Gold medals in such as basketball, volleyball, or gymnastics to AFL or NRL. Or naming which ever female swimmer wins Gold as our newest Golden Girl. But this year we also have the hope that Channel 9 may actually use its multi channels to give us something close to what we could expect with 2012 technology. Could they possibly dare to upset the 6 people that actually watch Channels Gem and Go by foregoing the screening of Bewitched and Green Acres repeats, and show the Olympics on those channels? And wait for it - Yes, if the Olympics are shown on Channel Gem, they may even be in HD. Imagine that, sport in HD! The future is now. (by future I mean 2007).

So the stage is set, London 2012 is days away, and Channel 9 are promising us multi channels, HDTV, 3D coverage and all the bells and whistles. Will they deliver?

Welcome to The Shire of Bogan

The ads have started, and it's going ahead. Channel 10’s 'The Shire', looks to be exactly as anticipated: A show about vain 20-something nobodies with delusions that a being on a reality show is a career path. It'll all be here. The Ed Hardy t-shirts. The word 'hectic'. The Southern Cross tattoos. The Jetstar specials. The horror of the modern bogan.

The Shire has been touted as an Aussie version of Jersey Shore. But with the state of channel 10’s budgets (they’ve been using the same cardboard cut-outs on the sets of Neighbours for decades), there’s not much that Channel 10 can buy their newest stars that will push their lives into anything beyond suburban mundane. Aside from the obligatory bikini babes to keep the teenage boys interested, there's not much for anyone else to tune in to.

So what will be the hook for this show? What will make people watch? Reality tv shows need to have something that keeps people tuning in. Are the Shire’s (ahem) ‘stars’ famous? No. Are they rich? No. Do they lead exclusive lives? No. Are they interesting people? Hell No. Even the most maligned reality shows have a reason which makes people want to watch the lives of their stars. Paris Hilton & K-Dash – Rich, famous, exclusive. Laguna Beach & The Hills – Rich, exclusive. Jersey Shore – Exclusive (albeit thanks to MTV’s $$).

So it looks like they’ll have to rely on manufactured drama (which will need to be edited when the hot heads inevitably start throwing haymakers at each other after too many Bundy and Cokes), cut-aways to crashing waves and seagulls, and Masterchef style recaps of what just happened. Wait for the tie-in with Lara Bingle’s show to boost the ratings (for both shows). Channel 10 will hope that the combination of the two shows will be greater than the sum of their parts.

As for reality, well no one actually thinks that reality tv is real anymore. The setups, editing and scripts have turned the genre into 'dramality'. But how will this work when there is nothing interesting about the people, situations, or stories of The Shire? Would you stop on the street to listen to bogans talk about how smashed they were last night? Or listen to them rating whatever girls have the misfortune of crossing their line of sight?

Where is this 'Shire'? Is it a mysterious place on the edge of a hidden paradise? No. Its Cronulla. A suburb of Sydney. Calling it 'The Shire' is obviously a ploy to make it sound more exciting than it is. Does anyone really call it the Shire? The last person I knew of who said they were from The Shire was a hobbit on a road trip with a ring and a little bald troll chasing him down yelling out “precious”.

Welcome to the Shire. Get off my beach.

Channel 10 is claiming this show is to show the 'heart of Australia'. But its more like what naive tourists would like to think Australia is. Bronzed pretty people who sit around all day in the sun. I wonder if they have a minimum number of times the cast will have to say “mate”. As I look out my office window into the freezing and busy concrete of Melbourne’s CBD, it seems The Shire's version of Australia is about as true to life as the fact that we hitch rides to work in kangaroos' pouches.

The mark of the well travelled

The truly sad thing about this show is that it celebrates many things that just shouldn’t be celebrated. It will be full of arrogant bogans who think their Southern Cross tattoos and Bintang singlets from Bali; self infatuation and incomprehensible accents; and ignorance to the rest of the world are something to be admired. These are the obnoxious idiots who ruin your night when seated near your table at a restaurant. The embarrassing loudmouths overseas that you cringe when you realise they share the same passport as you, and pray that the locals don’t think you’re like them.



If Channel 10 wants to showcase the Aussie surf culture, why not follow some of Australia’s pro surfers on tour? That would check off all the ingredients for reality tv – rich, talented and famous people with exclusive and interesting lives, living most people's dream job.

Instead we get a bunch of obnoxious nobodies with nothing to do who think they are a somebodies with something to do.

Being Lara Bingle is Being Boring

Some more self promos pretending to be news today on The Project.

It started out with some filler story about driverless trains, which naturally was a cue for Bickmore to talk about her son. Its just effortless for her now.

But the real 'news story' of the day was that Lara Bingle was on The Project. All of the praise and admiration lauded on her was a stark contrast to the way she used to be covered by this very show, before she became Channel 10's newest cash cow hope.

The appearance was to promote Channel 10's latest offering in cheap reality tv, Being Lara Bingle. This is another of 10's heavily promoted shows for 2012, and The Project is just the right advertising space.

I think the key goes in here. I think.

Of course there was the obligatory and confusing comparison of Bingle and Micheal Clarke to Posh & Becks. Hmmm, Posh conquered pop culture and the world in the biggest Girl band of all time, selling 75 million albums worldwide; and Becks is one of the most celebrated athletes of all time and a truly global superstar; and together they are worth over £125 Million. And Bingle and Clarke were... umm... Well Bingle's car was stolen once, and Clarke copied Becks' tattoos and haircut.



The Project hasn't been the only promo for this show. The nude photo 'scandal' was also some great promo. There's no question that this 'scandal', in which Bingle was 'unwittingly' photographed nude (again...) was part of the promotion of the show. These photos were taken of her in the apartment provided to her by the producers, standing in the window, topless, with her hair and makeup done. All in perfect time to drum up some interest in her show. The lamest part about this 'privacy invasion' is that the unblurred photos were never leaked to the internet. Come on, how silly do you think we are! Geez even Fev was able to get his nude pic of her onto cyberspace!

Watch the show an you may see more. Maybe.
You'll have to watch and see. 8.00 Tuesday. On 10.
Please watch, you might see boobs.

To prove the point the 'sneak peek' ad for Being Bingle shows an in-depth, scripted conversation about the pictures, which were of course shown over and over, albeit with the buzz kill blurring. So teenage boys - all aboard the Bingle train for potential glimpses of boob!

But Lara isn't the only star this show. Her evidently freeloading brother has moved in with his famous sister, coincidentally at the same time as her show is being filmed. In his 'meet the bingles' bio he's been Christened as "the definition of the Australian bloke", possibly because he likes getting into drunken fights at the races.

But even with all this going on, the prediction is that Bingle will go the way of Excess Baggage, and be cast out unceremoniously to the graveyard of the secondary channel without so much an obituary or goodbye.

This is because reality tv is all about the $$$$$$. Despite Lara's 'Meet the Bingles' bio, Kardashian or Hilton she is not. Watching K-Dash, you see that her idea of a weekend might include taking the private jet to Vegas; partying in the VIP area of Pure nightclub and drinking Crystal and Patron Gran Platinum all night. On the other hand, Bingle's high life weekend might involve flying Jetstar Premium Economy to Sydney, getting free entry to the Ivy and a $50 drink card. Her lifestyle just isn't exclusive or unobtainable enough to be interesting.

So what will be the draw card to this show? In other words, how will it be edited to make it interesting? Lara Bingle as the cutsie girly-girl seems to be the the angle they are going for. Will it work? Or will the drama and 'poor me' victim card be played, and show her whine about lack of privacy, while cameras film every ironic tear? Either way, the one thing you can count on is that this will be more scripted than an infomercial, and it'll be Lara Bingle selling Lara Bingle.

Time will tell...

Current Affairs and the Big Stories

The brilliance of 6.30pm weeknights.

This is when learning happens. Eyes and minds are opened. Horizons are expanded and potential is realised.   6.30pm weeknights is when growth, integrity and excellence converge.

... This may be true on the lawns of Oxford, but its certainly not true if you're watching tv here in Aus!

And last Monday was no exception. In what can only be described as a night of current affairs greatest hits, Today Tonight and A Current Affair showed that they're the masters of presenting stories that make your brain cells give up and join your liver cells in getting inebriated on whatever alcohol you've consumed. In a night that "Every Australian Must Watch", both programs gave us an extravaganza of the recycled old faithful stories that they do so well.

First up was an example of synchronicity worthy of Olympic Gold. And this was a huge story. For the 200th time, Coles and Woolworths were pitted against each other to see who is cheaper. In an attempt to be first to cover this earth-shattering story, ACA and TT ended up in a dead heat, and presented the exact same story at the exact same time. If you were flicking between channels 7 and 9 you could have been forgiven for thinking that your remote was broken. The supermarket spokesmen fell over each other to claim the cheapest carrots. So smooth was this covert advertising, that it was impossible to tell where the story ended and the ad break started.

Spot the difference

In the next segment, both ACA and TT showed us what they do best - the dig at the opposition, expertly disguised as news.

In another epic round of the battle royal between 7 and 9, their prize-fighters were out to defend honours.  First up we had ACA in an all out attack on 7's The Price Is Right, and how they're conning all of us.

but so right

That's right. CONNING ALL OF US! There was outrage, there was disgruntlement, and there was no bigger comment than this:

"And as you will see, Channel 7 has been caught out playing YOU for a fool!"

So how are we being conned? Well, thanks to ACA, we now know that the prizes in TPIR come from a retail website! A tv program is promoting a retailer! How can they get away with this outrage!?

Next we'll find out that Masterchef is promoting Coles, or that The Block is promoting Mitre 10. Or even that ACA and TT just did a promo for Coles and Woolworths at the same time. Lucky ACA is here to divulge this top secret information before we are fooled even more in this hideous scheme of retailers trying to sell us things.

Another huge issue with TPIR is that there are no longer 4 contestants told to Come On Down, there is now only 1! Whoa. We probably all need a few minutes to take this bombshell in. Deep breaths... There was also a dig at the small size of the studio, and there were disgruntled contestants who didn't win anything, which promoted another amazing play on words....

In a halcyon night for the ACA graphics department, if you thought 'The Price Is Wrong', couldn't be topped, you have been shown!


And over TT on 7, the counter attack was on. In TT's sights was 9's golden child with the golden Voice. In a devious twist, TT turned to the defence of The Voice host, Delta Goodrem.

In joining Delta Squad (?), TT sold themselves as defender of Australian music's sweetheart, who has been the target of a 'terrible and cowardly' campaign of abuse. While those heartless monsters at 9 sacrificed OUR Delta in search of ratings, thank God the white knights at TT have come to her rescue.

But in the assumption that their viewers aren't smart enough to remember anything that happened before the previous weekend, TT failed to mention that only the week before, it was TT themselves who were doing the bullying!

That's right, this week's 'Delta Squad' were last week the ringleaders of the pitch fork baring mob that were screaming in mad fits about how much Delta is getting overpaid. They even had their own quote to remember:

"While the contestants battle it out, the judges are cashing in."

Not only was there outrage about Delta getting paid to do her job, there were also unfounded claims about forbidden and scandalous relationship with Seal. A single girl getting paid AND getting laid - how dare she!

Well I've learnt so much this week. Can't wait for next week's 6.30pm lesson!

The Bikie Wars Project

In one of the most shameless but predictable self promotions of recent tv times, tonight The Project has dished up a 5 minute advertisement for Channels 10's Bikie Wars, masquerading it as a legitimate news story.

The 'news story' was all about the Bikie Gangs in Sydney, and repeatedly mentioned one of the gangs depicted in the upcoming show - there was even and interview with their bossman. Add to this the numerous mentions of street shootouts, turf wars and gang members switching clubs, and we were basically left with a synopsis of the plot of Bikie Wars. The article was even called Bikie Wars!

The next news story was about a neurotic Doctor who can't sort out her love life.

In a desperate stretch to make the promotion seem newsworthy and relevant, the thinly veiled story mentioned something about a law that didn't get passed last year that may have affected the Bikie Gangs. That being all their researcher could come up with, the rest of the story resembled a school project on Bikie Gangs, with gems of information such as "there are x number of Motorcycle Clubs in Australia, and a total of x number of members". They even had graphics to go with these insightful stats!

This self promo had all the subtlety of an ex Big Brother contestant trying to convince bouncers to let him into a nightclub at 3am. You could even see the panelists cringing while they betrayed their high-brow stances to pretend that this was news. You could just imagine Channel 10's Head of Programming typing up the teleprompters. In what I'd like to think was a protest against this cheap promo, Carrie even refused to finish the intro to the story. Career limiting move from Mother Bickmore!

The attempt at the 'bullshit cough' didn't go unnoticed by network management.

If tonight was any indication, I cannot wait to see The Project panelists when they are forced to promote some of the gems that Channel 10 has coming up like The Bingle Show and the Jersey Shore rip off!

Sons of Bikie Wars Anarchy

A new series of Masterchef, and a new advertising platform for channel 10 to canvass their new crop of tv shows. 

First up in the ads was ‘Bikie Wars – Brothers in Arms’

Proving that originality and Australian tv go together like HDTV and Aussie Sports, this show is an unashamed attempt at an Australianised version Sons of Anarchy. And Australianised means lower budget, recycled actors, and plenty of out of place swearing to add shock value. No word yet when the bare flesh of the girls will come out to boost the ratings, but you can bet your motorcycle on it.

Maybe no one will notice...

Bikie Wars has been advertised with the good old “Based on a True Story” tagline, which is up there in meaning and substance as when “World Premiere” is used to describe Aussie telemovies. That single word “BASED” is used as a free pass by writers to create what ever story they want, while at the same time trying to add a bit of edge to the plots by claiming they really happened.

And there are no better purveyors of the “Based on a True Story” than those essential documentary makers, the writers of Underbelly, who now bring us Bikie Wars. To them, “based on a true story” gives them creative license to conjure up the most unrealistic stories, or just copy stories from popular US shows, whack a few real names from history onto their characters, and call it true. Just as Underbelly Razor was based on the true story of Boardwalk Empire, so too will Bikie Wars be based on the true story of Sons of Anarchy.

Nickelback?

The realism we can expect in this show is aptly described in an interview with the main actor, where he details the depth of research he put into the role - watching Sons of Anarchy. This research is clearly evident when he says he envies the camaraderie in the gangs "You take your brother's side first and I think that would be a beautiful thing to experience." This would be deep if the show he is describing wasn’t centred around a split within a motor cycle gang that resulted in a shootout where 7 people were killed. Taking your brother's side first, and shooting them second? Truly a beautiful thing!! He goes on to say that “honouring the story and the relationships at the heart of the drama was a key to getting the story right”.  Whaaaaaat? Does he think he is on Packed to the Rafters? Does he also claim that all the violence was followed up by gentlemanly handshakes and a friendly beer? If that’s the subject knowledge the main actor has, I can’t wait to see his realistic portrayal of his character!

With no less than 5 credited cast members who are Underbelly alumni, including the well researched main character, the transition of those truth seeking Underbelly fans from channel 9 to channel 10 should be seamless. I suspect the only thing stopping Bikie Wars being called Underbelly Series 5 is the ownership of naming rights. None the less, Bikie Wars will have a ready made audience before the first hired Harley is ridden onto screen by a stunt double.

I wonder if channel 10 are going to conjure up some artificial news about bikies on their 5pm news or on The Project, in a sneaky-but-fool-no-one attempt to drum up some publicity for this show, Lara Bingle nude pictures style?

Its The Logies 2012

Here it is. Australian TV Night of Nights. The Glitz. The Glam. The Gold. The C List. The Logies.

Starting off on the red carpet.
First up we see One Direction playing probably their most glamorous venue to date - the Crown car park.  There's some hairstyles going on with those boys!

There's an an interview with Hamish and Andy about Hamish's Gold nomination, and Andy has never looked more out of place. Can these guys not be interviewed separately? The awkwardness was cringe-worthy.  Andy's discomfort in being there is palpable. When Hamish jokes about making Andy his slave, Andy's gritted teeth turned into fangs behind his forced smile.

Next up was Sonia Kruger interviewing Alex Dimitriadis. It seems as though Sonia really doesn't like Dimi for some reason. Her comment "not many people know you are a great actor" doesn't go down well with Dimi. Undeterred, she follows it up with "you've done a lot of charity work, appearing on the ABC". Whack! Or should I say Slap! Dimi is not happy.

The Chaser 'Boys' are interviewed by Shane Crawford. They try to stir up trouble by joking about Fevola's drunken antics at the Brownlow. But they missed the mark by a long way, and Crawford easily deflects their numerous attempts at high-brow hilarity. Considering the Fev incident was back in 2009, it was more than a little desperate. These guys are as relevant as VHS.

Bring on the awards.
The show opens with Flo Rida belting out some nu hip hop. Sonia Kruger was seen dancing around like one of the hyper excited teens outside watching One Direction. Its not lost on Adam Hills who later mentions "No matter what channel you're on, you're still dancing with the stars"

Adam Hills opens and immediately abuses everyone, the Wiggles, Kony2012, Gina Rienhart, and Sonia. he mentions that there is no host tonight, "because no one wants to host the Logies".  He has a big crack at channels 10's The Shire - "can we stop celebrating idiots on TV. I grew up in the Shire with some really talented people and none of them will be on this show".

To the raised eyebrows hes says "What are they gonna do, NOT give me the Gold Logie?" Good start to the ceremony!

Its time for the first award. Asher Keddie wins Most Popular Actress, and bores everyone with a long winded and tiring speech about the biz in which she thanks a cast of thousands. Pity none of her people have helped her grow a personality.

The next award is for Most Popular Actor, and Dimi returns to present it, still looking pissed about Sonia's backhanders from the red carpet. Sally from Home & Away is his co presenter, and tries to lighten him up by saying that he may win an award, at which point steam can be seen coming out of Dimi's ears. The nominations of course are mostly from Packed to the Rafters, but Daniel McPherson gets a nod for his role on Wild Boys? How the hell did that happen? That show was terrible and lasted 5 minutes. Hugh Sheridan wins and claims that he didn't think he'd win. No one buys it.

Its time for Most Popular Light Entertainment, and continuing the success of the failures, Hamish and Andy's Gap Year wins. What? Unbelievable. A show that completely bombed and got axed because it was rubbish and nobody watched it. This is farcical, even for the Logies. Even Hamish and Andy seem embarrassed to win, and so they should be.

Time for an ad break. In the space of a few awful minutes, we see just how bad Channel 9's lineup really is. The Hamish and Andy farce continues with a new series of Hamish and Andy's Gap Year. Clearly this was contracted prior to their New York microsecond. The Voice claims to have the biggest television event of the year; there's an ad for Patti Newton on The Apprentice; and to top it all off, there's a new romantic comedy film coming out with that fat idiot from How I Met Your Mother. Looks like we're in for some terrible entertainment coming up.

Back to the Logies and the next award is being presented by a plastered Julia Morris and Manu the French guy. The obligatory jokes about his accent follow. They present the award for the Most Popular Show in Bondi. The Lifesavers win it over the vet. Following on from the undecipherable accents theme, the award is received by someone who yells in some kind of drawl that sounds like a kind of English. I think he speaking Straaaayan?

Best Reality Show. The Block takes the win. Shelly Craft falls on her way up the stairs, but beats everyone to the punch by saying "there's a funniest home video" Damn, I was going to use that line! The acceptance speech is an unashamed promotion for the 2012 series of the show. The hosts are accompanied by a bunch of no-name bogans who one can only assume were the contestants, and who are the only people that have to go back to their day jobs tomorrow.

After what already seems like the 20th ad break, we're back and the cross promotion doesn't let up with Delta Goodrum being introduced as 'Host of The Voice, 7.30 pm on Channel 9' before belting out a tune in front of a wind tunnel.

Oh no, the lads are back. Hamish and Andy are on and are trying to crack some self deprecating humour of "we can't believe they're letting us be on TV". Just doesn't work when you're nominated for the Gold, and have already won a Logie tonight. After trying to perform their comedy monstrosity for a while, we find out they are actually there to present an award. And its for Most Popular Sports Program. I guess they had to fit 'the lads' somewhere, after all, Channel 9 has another 'Gap Year' they need to promote. The award is won by the AFL grand Final, which beats out all the footy shows. Weird award. 4 sports entertainment shows against the Grand Final.

And now its the Logie for Most Outstanding Sports Coverage? Isn't that where the AFL Grand Final should be? Anyway, enough about the awards, Hamish and Andy go back to their boring and unending jokes for another few minutes. The fake laughter from the audience is bordering on patronising. The time limits for acceptance speeches should be extended to unfunny hosts. All the the nominations in this category are for actual sports, so again, why is the AFL Grand Final not in this category? The NRL State of Origin gets the win.

Next up is the Most Popular Presenter. This is basically a preview for the Gold Logie as most of the nominees are in this category. The clip for Bickmore goes for 20 seconds, and it shows her talking about being a mother. Seriously, has she EVER not made a conversation  about her kid or herself? Ever? Geez. Adam Hills wins, which thankfully means Hamish and Bickmore didn't. Adam seemed genuinely excited and surprised to win. Its refreshing to see.

Next up is the Most Outstanding Children's Program. Clearly an award no one cares about at all.  Funnily enough it was presented by the Yellow Wiggle who was recently sacked. One can only assume that the real Wiggles have a contract with channel 7.

Next Molly Meldrum was inducted to the Hall Of Fame, and it was a really nice tribute to him. When Delta read out her tribute, she looked nervous, and had to stop to check her cue cards a few times, which to me, shows how much she respects Molly. Class moments are few and far between tonight, but this has been one of them.

Back to the ads, and we're instantly taken back to the the sorry state of Aussie TV with a promotion for the Beaconsfield Mine Mini Series. Its has all the usual merry go round Aussie actors and already looks cliched and overacted like all made-for-TV 'world premieres' before it.

Oh no, Rove's back on our TVs! He crosses a few times to the One Direction kids who look completely bored. He's presenting the award for Most Outstanding New Talent. Its won by Chelsie Preston-Crayford from Underbelly Razor. A well deserved win. I hope her career goes far, and far away from Offspring or Winners and Losers.

Next up is Most Popular New Male Talent. New is right, but popular I'm not so sure, because I've never heard of any of the nominees. Some guy from Home and Away won it. Or maybe he was from Winners and Losers. Meh.

Back to the awards that no one cares about is the Most Outstanding Factual Program. Its won by Go Back to Where You Came From. Which is ironic, as this show about inbred racist bogans was so contrived and scripted, that it is to factual what Today Tonight is to good journalism.

Whoops! Its 10pm, the show is only half way through and, and the news over on Twitter is that the Herald Sun accidentally reported that Hamish won the Gold.  Whoops!! And noooooooooooooooooooo.....

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8451803

Best part about the article above, is that it also names Hamish as the winner, and its from Ninemsn.com, the host broadcaster... In the true style of Channel 9, someone will be getting boned tomorrow!

Its time for Most Popular New Female Talent. Its presented by One Direction who still look bored and is won by one of the Winners and Losers. 

Steven Curry is presenting Most Outstanding Actor, and is painfully trying to get laughs by joking about the fact he wasn't nominated. Its not funny and goes on forever. Hamish and Andy would be proud of this performance. Its clear he's just trying to extend his own airtime, but I do detect a little bit of genuine resentment behind his false disappointment. The award is finally won by some guy no one knows who played Kerry Packer.

Geez this ceremony is going forever. Why don't they show it live? So many ads, and the 'Logies Minutes' are pointless. I'm so tired of this stupid 'Hyandai Uncensored' ad.

Most Outstanding News Coverage Award. Won by Queensland floods. Yep, fine.

Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report. Where's Today Tonight and A Current Affair in the nominations? Surely their heavy hitting stories that 'every Australian must watch' about the price of carrots at Coles, how your toothbrush can kill you, Local Councils gone mad, or some kid with ADHD should have been recognised for such brilliant and important journalism? The award is won by Four Corners.

Tony Bennett is up on stage and singing The Lady's a Tramp. And he gives everyone in the room a lesson in cool. Gets a standing ovation. He has cool to spare, huge stage presence and is a genuine legend. And he's still a hit with the ladies. Out of nowhere, Ding Dong Drysdale appears on stage to plant a kiss on Mr Bennett! She disappears just as fast. The teenage girls outside gushing over One Direction could take a few lessons from the Ding Dong!

From the sublime to the Logies, we now have the Most Outstanding Actress. Its won by Melissa George. This brings a bit of cred back the Logies, shes a pretty good actress. Evidently she's got better things to do tonight, and isn't there to accept her award.

Back to the awards in boring, its time for Most Popular Lifestyle Program. Its won by Better Homes and Gardens, the show that for years everybody wished would hurry the hell up and finish so the footy could start. This is also the winner for Most Drunk Guy On Stage. One of the co-stars has the drunken grins, the sways and the red eyes. He's only able to stay upright by leaning on Joanna Griggs. He finally manages a loud screech and fist pump while being ushered off stage. He'd been waiting patiently for that one.

Time now for a biggish award - Most Popular Drama. Or it could also be called the Packed to the Rafters Award. No surprises here.

Most Outstanding Light Entertainment. Won by Spics and Speks. Adam Hills is having a great night.

Meanwhile, in real life, the Herald Sun is blaming a technical glitch for their monumental stuff up in announcing the winner of the Gold and spoiling it for everyone. They win the Logie for the Most Monumental Screw Up.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/technical-glitch-reveals-winner/story-e6frf7jo-1226327271324

Most Outstanding Drama Miniseries or Telemovie. Boring. Its won by The Slap, I haven't seen it, but how can you make a whole show about a kid getting slapped. Even if you show it in slow motion, how can you get more that 5 minutes out of it?

Its 12.05, I'm bored and want to go to bed, and I'm here watching Toadfish from Neighbours talking about eating Lite N Easy.

Oh thank God, Shaun Micaleff is FINALLY here to present the Gold Logie. Hopefully its awarded before One Direction get up so we don't have to watch them lip-sync.

As already reported by the Herald Spoil, HAMISH WINS GOLD. He gets up and tries to tell some jokes, but the real joke is that he won. Its a little pathetic watching him trying to be funny and having absolutely no graciousness whatsoever. He really hasn't moved on from being the class clown from high school. Channel 9 can be happy with their promotion of him to win at the expense of Karl Stefanovic. Richard Wilkins has mentioned that half the award should belong to Andy, why not just give him the 'competitor' award...

And the night ends with a final performance by One Direction. Who in addition to still looking bored, now look deliriously tired. And unfortunately so are the crowd. There's not enough teenage girls in the audience, and so a lot of pity dancing is going on. Steven Curry goes for some more on-camera time by obnoxiously laying on some ironic hysteria. The only ironic thing here is that while he may mock them, he would sell his soul, his own credibility (if he has any left), and the minuscule talent he has just for 1% of their fame. And before he gets too cocky, he may want to remember that he's watching them perform, and they have no idea he exists.

So this year's Logies are (finally...) all over. And they were bit uneventful. No real memorable highlights, lowlights or fashion misses. More than anything, they felt like one big advertisement for One Direction and all the crap shows Channel 9 has coming up. The highlight of the night was undoubtedly the leak of the Gold Logie winner by the Herald Sun, and their attempted blame shift afterwards. Blame the technology, blame Google, good work!