The Real House Husbands of...

After the bombardment of ads during the Olympics which were only slightly less annoying than the commentary itself, Channel 9’s post Olympic schedule has barely raised a mention.

From Underbelly: Yet Again, which may or may not have made it to its final episode; to Big Brother which is now just a Gold Coast share house of bored people, as surely the cameras have been turned off by now; and finally to House Husbands, which has already merged into the mashed up memory of mundane Aussie dramas that went nowhere.

House Husbands has been advertised as:

 "A fresh and dynamic look at Australian family life, with a very modern twist" 

A dubious quote, as I don't know how the adjective 'fresh' can be used to describe an Aussie drama about the boredom of suburban living, with the same old plots, seen a thousand times, brought to life by a cast of tired faces we've seen a thousand more times. Once again we have yet another version of a show about ‘Ordinary People, Everyday Problems’.

As for the 'modern twist', whoa, how progressive, men looking after their kids. Way to get out there Channel 9. The House Husbands seem to be a cross between the bumbling men in those ridiculously sexist ads, who display the intelligence of a slug as they try to find the yogurt in the fridge, or somehow successfully cook a frozen meal that is so easy, even DAD can cook it; and the lazy slob Dads of the painful American sitcoms in the 'Fat Man, Hot Wife' genre, where they just want to watch car racing while being belittled by their sassy wives and smart ass kids. Think 'According to Jim', 'Home Improvement', and the big daddy of them all - 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

As is standard with Aussie TV, the show is full of the familiar faces you don't want to see again. Not daring to stray too far from their comfort zone, Channel Underbelly 9 has cast two of the main characters from the alumni of Underbelly has beens. They've clearly run out of cop shows to put them in. On top of that, we also get to see Gary Sweet As in his latest attempt to keep his Aussie larrikin persona going. The biggest question here is how does this show try to pass him off as one of the kids' fathers? Maybe as the father of one of the other Dads?

House Husbands gives us a gaggle of forgettable-but-déjà-vu story lines, including hapless husbands braving the after-school pick up, and weary wives being over their jobs. How much mileage can they get out of these mundane situations? I cant wait for the episode where Gary Sweet As does the ironing, or when the guy from Underbelly takes the kids to the supermarket to get milk, but sneaks a packet of Twisties without the wife finding out (maybe they could rip off that ad where the Dad is so stupid he can't even pick the right brand of bread for his high maintenance family). Nothing like watching TV about people doing the boring tasks that you are avoiding doing yourself by watching TV.

In this week's episode Mittens
gets the ironing done.

And its all confusingly advertised to the soundtrack from Reservoir Dogs. Are the promotions teams at Channel 9 so conditioned to Underbelly that they automatically think every scene in every show has to copy their favourite gangster film?

Its surprising this show has made it this far. That said, its minimal impact matches 9's other attempt at drama – Tricky Business (is that show still on?) Maybe there's something interesting happening in the Big Brother house that Channel 9's writers could use as inspiration?

Underbelly Badness – The name says it all

If you foolishly tried to watch 9’s bungled Olympic coverage hoping to see some sports, no doubt what you actually saw was a two week advertising blitz about the tv gems that 9 has in store. A show about Kerry Packer and his struggle to sound like Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock; House Husbands - a show about trying to figure out if Gary Sweet As is supposed to be a father or grandfather of toddlers; and the latest instalment in underbelly badness, aptly named Underbelly Badness.

Like a kid who's antics have turned from cute to obnoxiously annoying, or a washed up crooner who just can't accept his time has past, Channel 9 is serving up yet another dose of Underbelly, even though the show's used by date has well and truly expired. Originality and fresh ideas are certainly dead and buried when it comes to Aussie drama. We've already had Bikie Wars (aka Underbelly: Bikie Wars) this year, which was basically seven dragged-out episodes of slow motion scenes and clichés leading up to a shootout of bad acting and wispy student beards in the final episode. So here we go again with the same thing, but different channel.

The main character that Underbelly Badness revolves around was apparently unknown to the police and the public, which basically means that the Underbelly writers can write what ever fiction they like into the 'true story' plot, and no one will know the difference. Add to that the fact that half the real stories won't be able to be shown due to court proceedings, and we're left with eight drawn-out episodes of not much at all. This instalment is said to share the same "underbelly DNA" as all the other series, so expect the usual underbelly trademarks of awkward boob shots, untimely swearing and deadpan voice overs explaining what was just shown.

And the fiction begins with the name – The main character's real life nickname was not Badness, it was Rooster! Underbelly: Rooster hasn't got much of a ring to it, but Badness isn't much better, and it makes the name choice even more bizarre. But even better than that, Rooster's brother's nickname was Undies! How Channel 9 missed the obvious name of Undies-Belly: Rooster is a mystery.

Cock-a-doodle-doo Mutha F***ers

Naturally, this badness will bring the same old faces of those Aussie actors nobody remembers - a who's-who of ex Home & Away, McLeod's Daughters, and Water Rats 'stars'. One character is played by a Bikie Wars alumni, who was asked to help out with the production budget by smuggling across some prop guns and costumes from the set of Bikie Wars; and there is also a returning Underbelly star, as it is assumed that no none will notice that his character has miraculously raised from the underbelly dead.

Plans are already on course for Underbelly 2013. This one will be called Underbelly: Worstest, and will focus on the story of a Brisbane family man who received a speeding fine for doing 65 in a 60 zone.

The London TV Olympics

Its time for the London Olympics.

And the big question is...

Will Channel 9 do better that the debacle of Channel 7's broadcast of the 2008 Olympics? Or go they possibly sink Aussie tv even lower?

The 2008 Olympics are remembered for Channel 7's terrible broadcast which insisted on showing their crap shows instead of the world biggest event. Being a prime time Olympics, it was always going to be too much for 7 to part from their usual schedule of Today Tonight. Showing stories about heartless Councils fining pensioners wins out every time over showing Michael Phelps winning the Gold. Good choice Channel 7 Execs. Evidently 7 only got the Olympics so Channel 9 couldn't.

Fast forward to now and its time for London 2012. Channel 9 has the rights this time. Will they actually show the Olympics which they undoubtedly paid millions for? Or is it too great an ask to not show the Footy Show for two weeks? One thing that is dead certain is the saturation advertising of Underbelly Badness they will force us to endure. The lead actor better get some real gangsta links, because people will be out for his blood after having him plastered all over their tvs at every ad break for 2 weeks straight.

Aussie Slowpoke Rodriguez is ready to race

One absolute certainty will be the attempted Aussie angle on any event which doesn't involve an Australian. That is if its shown at all. Just like our international news which desperately looks for the Aussie angle in covering Bastille Day celebrations from Paris, so too will the Olympic coverage attempt to put the Australian spin on anything and everything in this so called 'world event'. Lookout for the "Aussie Connections" in any sport not involving an Aussie. Jana from the Ukraine, who's brother once came to Australia on a holiday will be renamed "Aussie Jana", despite the fact she thinks by that Australia we mean Austria.

Aussie Kim Clijsters anyone?

Are the Australian public so nationalist and xenophobic that they can't bare to watch anything that doesn't involve a fellow Aussie? Our tv networks certainly think so. Is this a Channel 9 boardroom conversation?

         "Usain Bolt? Sounds like a foreigner to me. World Record? What about the Australian Record?"

There are hundreds of Aussie athletes competing in London, and congratulations to all of them for making it, but forgive me if I’d rather watch Usain Bolt, the US Basketball Team, Michael Phelps or the British Football Team than some Aussie being smashed in the first round of the badminton by Chinese Taipei. Of course, failing the Aussie connection, wait for the heartwarming story about how some town in East Backwater Nowhereville in central Qld held a fundraiser at the local pub so that Granny could fly to London to watch young Johnny be the cox in the rowing.

But lets be honest, just because they are Australian, it doesn't make them likable. Nobody but nobody wants to see the petulant gits, Tamsyn Lewis and John Steffensen. Their inevitable attention seeking tantrums, and self inflated egos which are only matched in size by the margin they'll lose their race are unbearable. Even to see them lose wouldn't be satisfying, as they shouldn't be there in the first place. And who could forget the two bozos from the swim team, the one who fell off his skateboard and broke his arm, and the other who used his government funded training, fitness, and strength to sucker punch a team member to a bloody pulp. Go team!

Speaking of the Aussie spin, one thing that we can be eternally grateful for is that we wont have to put up with is channel 7’s roving reporter who’s name escapes me (Curly, Curny or something). The concoction of this guy's over-exaggerated Aussie accent and his ridiculous questions to confused athletes who are trying to figure out if he’s speaking English between his G’days, Mates and Aussie clichés are enough to make you move to North Korea for their superior and more balanced media coverage. This simpleton is in his element in the Olympics, where after seeing a sport he doesn't know or understand (making it whimsical and stupid), he asks seasoned athletes from non-Australian countries who have just won a Gold medal: “G’day mate, wow, you were high off the ground in the pole vault weren't you?” The polite nods he gets from these athletes as they edge away to speak with real reporters shows the esteem that 7’s man Curly is held.

Of course to try to avoid showing too many foreigners, we can expect usual trick of flicking between events in order to show every single Aussie competing. Is there anything more infuriating watching your tv switch from a shot at goal in hockey to heat 3 of the 400 meters to a free throw in basketball to a bullseye in archery to a serve in volleyball to an attempted high jump to a dismount from the uneven bars in gymnastics to a shot of Anthony LaPaglia in Underbelly Badness, all within a seizure-inducing 2 minutes?

An Australian Olympic broadcast just wouldn't be complete without references about how Sydney 2000 did it better. Or naive commentators comparing fringe foreigner sports which Australians don't win Gold medals in such as basketball, volleyball, or gymnastics to AFL or NRL. Or naming which ever female swimmer wins Gold as our newest Golden Girl. But this year we also have the hope that Channel 9 may actually use its multi channels to give us something close to what we could expect with 2012 technology. Could they possibly dare to upset the 6 people that actually watch Channels Gem and Go by foregoing the screening of Bewitched and Green Acres repeats, and show the Olympics on those channels? And wait for it - Yes, if the Olympics are shown on Channel Gem, they may even be in HD. Imagine that, sport in HD! The future is now. (by future I mean 2007).

So the stage is set, London 2012 is days away, and Channel 9 are promising us multi channels, HDTV, 3D coverage and all the bells and whistles. Will they deliver?

Current Affairs and the Big Stories

The brilliance of 6.30pm weeknights.

This is when learning happens. Eyes and minds are opened. Horizons are expanded and potential is realised.   6.30pm weeknights is when growth, integrity and excellence converge.

... This may be true on the lawns of Oxford, but its certainly not true if you're watching tv here in Aus!

And last Monday was no exception. In what can only be described as a night of current affairs greatest hits, Today Tonight and A Current Affair showed that they're the masters of presenting stories that make your brain cells give up and join your liver cells in getting inebriated on whatever alcohol you've consumed. In a night that "Every Australian Must Watch", both programs gave us an extravaganza of the recycled old faithful stories that they do so well.

First up was an example of synchronicity worthy of Olympic Gold. And this was a huge story. For the 200th time, Coles and Woolworths were pitted against each other to see who is cheaper. In an attempt to be first to cover this earth-shattering story, ACA and TT ended up in a dead heat, and presented the exact same story at the exact same time. If you were flicking between channels 7 and 9 you could have been forgiven for thinking that your remote was broken. The supermarket spokesmen fell over each other to claim the cheapest carrots. So smooth was this covert advertising, that it was impossible to tell where the story ended and the ad break started.

Spot the difference

In the next segment, both ACA and TT showed us what they do best - the dig at the opposition, expertly disguised as news.

In another epic round of the battle royal between 7 and 9, their prize-fighters were out to defend honours.  First up we had ACA in an all out attack on 7's The Price Is Right, and how they're conning all of us.

but so right

That's right. CONNING ALL OF US! There was outrage, there was disgruntlement, and there was no bigger comment than this:

"And as you will see, Channel 7 has been caught out playing YOU for a fool!"

So how are we being conned? Well, thanks to ACA, we now know that the prizes in TPIR come from a retail website! A tv program is promoting a retailer! How can they get away with this outrage!?

Next we'll find out that Masterchef is promoting Coles, or that The Block is promoting Mitre 10. Or even that ACA and TT just did a promo for Coles and Woolworths at the same time. Lucky ACA is here to divulge this top secret information before we are fooled even more in this hideous scheme of retailers trying to sell us things.

Another huge issue with TPIR is that there are no longer 4 contestants told to Come On Down, there is now only 1! Whoa. We probably all need a few minutes to take this bombshell in. Deep breaths... There was also a dig at the small size of the studio, and there were disgruntled contestants who didn't win anything, which promoted another amazing play on words....

In a halcyon night for the ACA graphics department, if you thought 'The Price Is Wrong', couldn't be topped, you have been shown!


And over TT on 7, the counter attack was on. In TT's sights was 9's golden child with the golden Voice. In a devious twist, TT turned to the defence of The Voice host, Delta Goodrem.

In joining Delta Squad (?), TT sold themselves as defender of Australian music's sweetheart, who has been the target of a 'terrible and cowardly' campaign of abuse. While those heartless monsters at 9 sacrificed OUR Delta in search of ratings, thank God the white knights at TT have come to her rescue.

But in the assumption that their viewers aren't smart enough to remember anything that happened before the previous weekend, TT failed to mention that only the week before, it was TT themselves who were doing the bullying!

That's right, this week's 'Delta Squad' were last week the ringleaders of the pitch fork baring mob that were screaming in mad fits about how much Delta is getting overpaid. They even had their own quote to remember:

"While the contestants battle it out, the judges are cashing in."

Not only was there outrage about Delta getting paid to do her job, there were also unfounded claims about forbidden and scandalous relationship with Seal. A single girl getting paid AND getting laid - how dare she!

Well I've learnt so much this week. Can't wait for next week's 6.30pm lesson!

Its The Logies 2012

Here it is. Australian TV Night of Nights. The Glitz. The Glam. The Gold. The C List. The Logies.

Starting off on the red carpet.
First up we see One Direction playing probably their most glamorous venue to date - the Crown car park.  There's some hairstyles going on with those boys!

There's an an interview with Hamish and Andy about Hamish's Gold nomination, and Andy has never looked more out of place. Can these guys not be interviewed separately? The awkwardness was cringe-worthy.  Andy's discomfort in being there is palpable. When Hamish jokes about making Andy his slave, Andy's gritted teeth turned into fangs behind his forced smile.

Next up was Sonia Kruger interviewing Alex Dimitriadis. It seems as though Sonia really doesn't like Dimi for some reason. Her comment "not many people know you are a great actor" doesn't go down well with Dimi. Undeterred, she follows it up with "you've done a lot of charity work, appearing on the ABC". Whack! Or should I say Slap! Dimi is not happy.

The Chaser 'Boys' are interviewed by Shane Crawford. They try to stir up trouble by joking about Fevola's drunken antics at the Brownlow. But they missed the mark by a long way, and Crawford easily deflects their numerous attempts at high-brow hilarity. Considering the Fev incident was back in 2009, it was more than a little desperate. These guys are as relevant as VHS.

Bring on the awards.
The show opens with Flo Rida belting out some nu hip hop. Sonia Kruger was seen dancing around like one of the hyper excited teens outside watching One Direction. Its not lost on Adam Hills who later mentions "No matter what channel you're on, you're still dancing with the stars"

Adam Hills opens and immediately abuses everyone, the Wiggles, Kony2012, Gina Rienhart, and Sonia. he mentions that there is no host tonight, "because no one wants to host the Logies".  He has a big crack at channels 10's The Shire - "can we stop celebrating idiots on TV. I grew up in the Shire with some really talented people and none of them will be on this show".

To the raised eyebrows hes says "What are they gonna do, NOT give me the Gold Logie?" Good start to the ceremony!

Its time for the first award. Asher Keddie wins Most Popular Actress, and bores everyone with a long winded and tiring speech about the biz in which she thanks a cast of thousands. Pity none of her people have helped her grow a personality.

The next award is for Most Popular Actor, and Dimi returns to present it, still looking pissed about Sonia's backhanders from the red carpet. Sally from Home & Away is his co presenter, and tries to lighten him up by saying that he may win an award, at which point steam can be seen coming out of Dimi's ears. The nominations of course are mostly from Packed to the Rafters, but Daniel McPherson gets a nod for his role on Wild Boys? How the hell did that happen? That show was terrible and lasted 5 minutes. Hugh Sheridan wins and claims that he didn't think he'd win. No one buys it.

Its time for Most Popular Light Entertainment, and continuing the success of the failures, Hamish and Andy's Gap Year wins. What? Unbelievable. A show that completely bombed and got axed because it was rubbish and nobody watched it. This is farcical, even for the Logies. Even Hamish and Andy seem embarrassed to win, and so they should be.

Time for an ad break. In the space of a few awful minutes, we see just how bad Channel 9's lineup really is. The Hamish and Andy farce continues with a new series of Hamish and Andy's Gap Year. Clearly this was contracted prior to their New York microsecond. The Voice claims to have the biggest television event of the year; there's an ad for Patti Newton on The Apprentice; and to top it all off, there's a new romantic comedy film coming out with that fat idiot from How I Met Your Mother. Looks like we're in for some terrible entertainment coming up.

Back to the Logies and the next award is being presented by a plastered Julia Morris and Manu the French guy. The obligatory jokes about his accent follow. They present the award for the Most Popular Show in Bondi. The Lifesavers win it over the vet. Following on from the undecipherable accents theme, the award is received by someone who yells in some kind of drawl that sounds like a kind of English. I think he speaking Straaaayan?

Best Reality Show. The Block takes the win. Shelly Craft falls on her way up the stairs, but beats everyone to the punch by saying "there's a funniest home video" Damn, I was going to use that line! The acceptance speech is an unashamed promotion for the 2012 series of the show. The hosts are accompanied by a bunch of no-name bogans who one can only assume were the contestants, and who are the only people that have to go back to their day jobs tomorrow.

After what already seems like the 20th ad break, we're back and the cross promotion doesn't let up with Delta Goodrum being introduced as 'Host of The Voice, 7.30 pm on Channel 9' before belting out a tune in front of a wind tunnel.

Oh no, the lads are back. Hamish and Andy are on and are trying to crack some self deprecating humour of "we can't believe they're letting us be on TV". Just doesn't work when you're nominated for the Gold, and have already won a Logie tonight. After trying to perform their comedy monstrosity for a while, we find out they are actually there to present an award. And its for Most Popular Sports Program. I guess they had to fit 'the lads' somewhere, after all, Channel 9 has another 'Gap Year' they need to promote. The award is won by the AFL grand Final, which beats out all the footy shows. Weird award. 4 sports entertainment shows against the Grand Final.

And now its the Logie for Most Outstanding Sports Coverage? Isn't that where the AFL Grand Final should be? Anyway, enough about the awards, Hamish and Andy go back to their boring and unending jokes for another few minutes. The fake laughter from the audience is bordering on patronising. The time limits for acceptance speeches should be extended to unfunny hosts. All the the nominations in this category are for actual sports, so again, why is the AFL Grand Final not in this category? The NRL State of Origin gets the win.

Next up is the Most Popular Presenter. This is basically a preview for the Gold Logie as most of the nominees are in this category. The clip for Bickmore goes for 20 seconds, and it shows her talking about being a mother. Seriously, has she EVER not made a conversation  about her kid or herself? Ever? Geez. Adam Hills wins, which thankfully means Hamish and Bickmore didn't. Adam seemed genuinely excited and surprised to win. Its refreshing to see.

Next up is the Most Outstanding Children's Program. Clearly an award no one cares about at all.  Funnily enough it was presented by the Yellow Wiggle who was recently sacked. One can only assume that the real Wiggles have a contract with channel 7.

Next Molly Meldrum was inducted to the Hall Of Fame, and it was a really nice tribute to him. When Delta read out her tribute, she looked nervous, and had to stop to check her cue cards a few times, which to me, shows how much she respects Molly. Class moments are few and far between tonight, but this has been one of them.

Back to the ads, and we're instantly taken back to the the sorry state of Aussie TV with a promotion for the Beaconsfield Mine Mini Series. Its has all the usual merry go round Aussie actors and already looks cliched and overacted like all made-for-TV 'world premieres' before it.

Oh no, Rove's back on our TVs! He crosses a few times to the One Direction kids who look completely bored. He's presenting the award for Most Outstanding New Talent. Its won by Chelsie Preston-Crayford from Underbelly Razor. A well deserved win. I hope her career goes far, and far away from Offspring or Winners and Losers.

Next up is Most Popular New Male Talent. New is right, but popular I'm not so sure, because I've never heard of any of the nominees. Some guy from Home and Away won it. Or maybe he was from Winners and Losers. Meh.

Back to the awards that no one cares about is the Most Outstanding Factual Program. Its won by Go Back to Where You Came From. Which is ironic, as this show about inbred racist bogans was so contrived and scripted, that it is to factual what Today Tonight is to good journalism.

Whoops! Its 10pm, the show is only half way through and, and the news over on Twitter is that the Herald Sun accidentally reported that Hamish won the Gold.  Whoops!! And noooooooooooooooooooo.....

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8451803

Best part about the article above, is that it also names Hamish as the winner, and its from Ninemsn.com, the host broadcaster... In the true style of Channel 9, someone will be getting boned tomorrow!

Its time for Most Popular New Female Talent. Its presented by One Direction who still look bored and is won by one of the Winners and Losers. 

Steven Curry is presenting Most Outstanding Actor, and is painfully trying to get laughs by joking about the fact he wasn't nominated. Its not funny and goes on forever. Hamish and Andy would be proud of this performance. Its clear he's just trying to extend his own airtime, but I do detect a little bit of genuine resentment behind his false disappointment. The award is finally won by some guy no one knows who played Kerry Packer.

Geez this ceremony is going forever. Why don't they show it live? So many ads, and the 'Logies Minutes' are pointless. I'm so tired of this stupid 'Hyandai Uncensored' ad.

Most Outstanding News Coverage Award. Won by Queensland floods. Yep, fine.

Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report. Where's Today Tonight and A Current Affair in the nominations? Surely their heavy hitting stories that 'every Australian must watch' about the price of carrots at Coles, how your toothbrush can kill you, Local Councils gone mad, or some kid with ADHD should have been recognised for such brilliant and important journalism? The award is won by Four Corners.

Tony Bennett is up on stage and singing The Lady's a Tramp. And he gives everyone in the room a lesson in cool. Gets a standing ovation. He has cool to spare, huge stage presence and is a genuine legend. And he's still a hit with the ladies. Out of nowhere, Ding Dong Drysdale appears on stage to plant a kiss on Mr Bennett! She disappears just as fast. The teenage girls outside gushing over One Direction could take a few lessons from the Ding Dong!

From the sublime to the Logies, we now have the Most Outstanding Actress. Its won by Melissa George. This brings a bit of cred back the Logies, shes a pretty good actress. Evidently she's got better things to do tonight, and isn't there to accept her award.

Back to the awards in boring, its time for Most Popular Lifestyle Program. Its won by Better Homes and Gardens, the show that for years everybody wished would hurry the hell up and finish so the footy could start. This is also the winner for Most Drunk Guy On Stage. One of the co-stars has the drunken grins, the sways and the red eyes. He's only able to stay upright by leaning on Joanna Griggs. He finally manages a loud screech and fist pump while being ushered off stage. He'd been waiting patiently for that one.

Time now for a biggish award - Most Popular Drama. Or it could also be called the Packed to the Rafters Award. No surprises here.

Most Outstanding Light Entertainment. Won by Spics and Speks. Adam Hills is having a great night.

Meanwhile, in real life, the Herald Sun is blaming a technical glitch for their monumental stuff up in announcing the winner of the Gold and spoiling it for everyone. They win the Logie for the Most Monumental Screw Up.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/technical-glitch-reveals-winner/story-e6frf7jo-1226327271324

Most Outstanding Drama Miniseries or Telemovie. Boring. Its won by The Slap, I haven't seen it, but how can you make a whole show about a kid getting slapped. Even if you show it in slow motion, how can you get more that 5 minutes out of it?

Its 12.05, I'm bored and want to go to bed, and I'm here watching Toadfish from Neighbours talking about eating Lite N Easy.

Oh thank God, Shaun Micaleff is FINALLY here to present the Gold Logie. Hopefully its awarded before One Direction get up so we don't have to watch them lip-sync.

As already reported by the Herald Spoil, HAMISH WINS GOLD. He gets up and tries to tell some jokes, but the real joke is that he won. Its a little pathetic watching him trying to be funny and having absolutely no graciousness whatsoever. He really hasn't moved on from being the class clown from high school. Channel 9 can be happy with their promotion of him to win at the expense of Karl Stefanovic. Richard Wilkins has mentioned that half the award should belong to Andy, why not just give him the 'competitor' award...

And the night ends with a final performance by One Direction. Who in addition to still looking bored, now look deliriously tired. And unfortunately so are the crowd. There's not enough teenage girls in the audience, and so a lot of pity dancing is going on. Steven Curry goes for some more on-camera time by obnoxiously laying on some ironic hysteria. The only ironic thing here is that while he may mock them, he would sell his soul, his own credibility (if he has any left), and the minuscule talent he has just for 1% of their fame. And before he gets too cocky, he may want to remember that he's watching them perform, and they have no idea he exists.

So this year's Logies are (finally...) all over. And they were bit uneventful. No real memorable highlights, lowlights or fashion misses. More than anything, they felt like one big advertisement for One Direction and all the crap shows Channel 9 has coming up. The highlight of the night was undoubtedly the leak of the Gold Logie winner by the Herald Sun, and their attempted blame shift afterwards. Blame the technology, blame Google, good work!

Scared to a Sweet Sugary Death

Step aside Howard Florey. Your discovery of Penicillin has got nothing on these Scientists' discovery:

...Sugar is as toxic as tobacco and and alcohol. 

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/healthnews/8412778/sugar-more-toxic-than-alcohol-scientists-claim

So here we go again. Some so-called experts with over-inflated egos are trying to scare everyone by claiming that sugar is the next big toxic killer. Hide your children, the killer sugar cube is coming your way.

Armed and dangerous.
Known to attack children with chocolate and lemonade. 

What have these scientists done with their academic lives? Rather that studying for years and getting PhDs to figure out that too much sugar is unhealthy, they could have just listened to their Mums when told too much sugar will make them fat. Even the Cookie Monster knows that cookies are a "sometimes food". He doesn't need a University degree! The rest of us had it figured before we hit double figures, why did these guys need PhDs to learn this bleeding obvious stuff? A bit of common sense would have done.

Realising that their groundbreaking discovery was not enough to justify their next Government grant, the Scientists thought they'd kick it up a notch and throw in some alarmist fear and yell from the rooftops that not only is sugar bad for you, its the spawn of Satan, its toxic and its out to kill you, and a single donut is akin to playing Russian Roulette with a rocket propelled grenade. Repent you chocoholics, repent.

Some of their quotes are as toxic as they claim sugar to be:

[The Scientists] call for restrictions and controls on sugar that mirror those on tobacco and alcohol.

I look forward to the day that some underagers bail me up outside 7-Eleven to buy them a pack of sugar. "Aw come on man, Grandmas coming over, and she has half a sugar with her tea. Mums gonna be pissed if I don't score some tonight"

They point out that, at the levels consumed in the West, sugar altered metabolism, raised blood pressure, disrupted hormone signalling and caused significant damage to the liver that was still not fully understood.

Whats not understood? That too much sugar is bad for you? I've known that since I first saw a fat person dominating 6 donuts for desert after eating a bucket of fried chicken.

The health hazards were similar to the effects of drinking too much alcohol — which was, in any event, manufactured from the distillation of sugar.

Similar to the effects of alcohol? What sugar are they eating? I'll take two! The next round of sugars are on me!

Alcohol is made from sugar. Ok. Penicillin is made from mould - is this bad for you? Vodka is made from potatoes - mash and gravy shooters? Yes please!

As long as the public thinks that sugar is just 'empty calories', we have no chance in solving this.

Who thinks this? Who has even heard of "empty" calories? What will you solve? Fat?

In their commentary, the experts propose adding taxes to processed foods that contain any form of added sugar. These would include carbonated drinks, other sugar-sweetened beverages such as juice and chocolate milk, and sugared cereals.

Yes tax everything that anyone could possibly eat. Raising the cost of living always helps promote a happy and healthy society. There's no downside.

Other strategies included controlling access with measures such as age limits for the purchase of sugary drinks, and tightening controls on vending machines and snack bars in schools and workplaces.

Let me be clear. If ANYONE tries to stop me from buying a Snickers during a sh!t day at work, they'd better be armed with more than facts and studies!

However, the scientists stressed that to achieve a societal shift away from high sugar consumption, the public had to be better informed about the emerging science behind sugar.

'Emerging' science? Is sugar a new phenomenon? Has Sovereign Hill's ye olde boiled lolly shop been lying to us all these years?

The experts concluded in their article: "Regulating sugar will not be easy — particularly in the 'emerging markets' of developing countries where soft drinks are often cheaper than potable water or milk.

Developing countries? The Scientists want to restrict food in Ethiopia for fear that the people there are eating too much and getting fat????????? Consider the Nobel Prize for Science awarded!

When will the danger end? If you listen to this and all the other scare mongering that goes on, then everything you could possibly eat, drink, breathe, hear, see, smell or do is bringing you one step closer to a gruesome death. Your only salvation is to never leave your house again and not do anything that remotely resembles living your life!    

...Alternatively you could just grab a coffee and a muffin and get on with your life.

Toxic as tobacco and alcohol?
In that case I'll take two boxes, a bottle of Tequila and fat Cuban cigar to go.
I'll see you all at the cemetery.

Any anyway, there's plenty more things out there that are more scary than sugar...

The Arctic's a No GOzone!

Another hole in the ozone layer? This one over the Arctic?

Who's been using the CFCs!

Memories of primary school projects in 1990!