Underbelly Badness – The name says it all

If you foolishly tried to watch 9’s bungled Olympic coverage hoping to see some sports, no doubt what you actually saw was a two week advertising blitz about the tv gems that 9 has in store. A show about Kerry Packer and his struggle to sound like Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock; House Husbands - a show about trying to figure out if Gary Sweet As is supposed to be a father or grandfather of toddlers; and the latest instalment in underbelly badness, aptly named Underbelly Badness.

Like a kid who's antics have turned from cute to obnoxiously annoying, or a washed up crooner who just can't accept his time has past, Channel 9 is serving up yet another dose of Underbelly, even though the show's used by date has well and truly expired. Originality and fresh ideas are certainly dead and buried when it comes to Aussie drama. We've already had Bikie Wars (aka Underbelly: Bikie Wars) this year, which was basically seven dragged-out episodes of slow motion scenes and clichés leading up to a shootout of bad acting and wispy student beards in the final episode. So here we go again with the same thing, but different channel.

The main character that Underbelly Badness revolves around was apparently unknown to the police and the public, which basically means that the Underbelly writers can write what ever fiction they like into the 'true story' plot, and no one will know the difference. Add to that the fact that half the real stories won't be able to be shown due to court proceedings, and we're left with eight drawn-out episodes of not much at all. This instalment is said to share the same "underbelly DNA" as all the other series, so expect the usual underbelly trademarks of awkward boob shots, untimely swearing and deadpan voice overs explaining what was just shown.

And the fiction begins with the name – The main character's real life nickname was not Badness, it was Rooster! Underbelly: Rooster hasn't got much of a ring to it, but Badness isn't much better, and it makes the name choice even more bizarre. But even better than that, Rooster's brother's nickname was Undies! How Channel 9 missed the obvious name of Undies-Belly: Rooster is a mystery.

Cock-a-doodle-doo Mutha F***ers

Naturally, this badness will bring the same old faces of those Aussie actors nobody remembers - a who's-who of ex Home & Away, McLeod's Daughters, and Water Rats 'stars'. One character is played by a Bikie Wars alumni, who was asked to help out with the production budget by smuggling across some prop guns and costumes from the set of Bikie Wars; and there is also a returning Underbelly star, as it is assumed that no none will notice that his character has miraculously raised from the underbelly dead.

Plans are already on course for Underbelly 2013. This one will be called Underbelly: Worstest, and will focus on the story of a Brisbane family man who received a speeding fine for doing 65 in a 60 zone.

The London TV Olympics

Its time for the London Olympics.

And the big question is...

Will Channel 9 do better that the debacle of Channel 7's broadcast of the 2008 Olympics? Or go they possibly sink Aussie tv even lower?

The 2008 Olympics are remembered for Channel 7's terrible broadcast which insisted on showing their crap shows instead of the world biggest event. Being a prime time Olympics, it was always going to be too much for 7 to part from their usual schedule of Today Tonight. Showing stories about heartless Councils fining pensioners wins out every time over showing Michael Phelps winning the Gold. Good choice Channel 7 Execs. Evidently 7 only got the Olympics so Channel 9 couldn't.

Fast forward to now and its time for London 2012. Channel 9 has the rights this time. Will they actually show the Olympics which they undoubtedly paid millions for? Or is it too great an ask to not show the Footy Show for two weeks? One thing that is dead certain is the saturation advertising of Underbelly Badness they will force us to endure. The lead actor better get some real gangsta links, because people will be out for his blood after having him plastered all over their tvs at every ad break for 2 weeks straight.

Aussie Slowpoke Rodriguez is ready to race

One absolute certainty will be the attempted Aussie angle on any event which doesn't involve an Australian. That is if its shown at all. Just like our international news which desperately looks for the Aussie angle in covering Bastille Day celebrations from Paris, so too will the Olympic coverage attempt to put the Australian spin on anything and everything in this so called 'world event'. Lookout for the "Aussie Connections" in any sport not involving an Aussie. Jana from the Ukraine, who's brother once came to Australia on a holiday will be renamed "Aussie Jana", despite the fact she thinks by that Australia we mean Austria.

Aussie Kim Clijsters anyone?

Are the Australian public so nationalist and xenophobic that they can't bare to watch anything that doesn't involve a fellow Aussie? Our tv networks certainly think so. Is this a Channel 9 boardroom conversation?

         "Usain Bolt? Sounds like a foreigner to me. World Record? What about the Australian Record?"

There are hundreds of Aussie athletes competing in London, and congratulations to all of them for making it, but forgive me if I’d rather watch Usain Bolt, the US Basketball Team, Michael Phelps or the British Football Team than some Aussie being smashed in the first round of the badminton by Chinese Taipei. Of course, failing the Aussie connection, wait for the heartwarming story about how some town in East Backwater Nowhereville in central Qld held a fundraiser at the local pub so that Granny could fly to London to watch young Johnny be the cox in the rowing.

But lets be honest, just because they are Australian, it doesn't make them likable. Nobody but nobody wants to see the petulant gits, Tamsyn Lewis and John Steffensen. Their inevitable attention seeking tantrums, and self inflated egos which are only matched in size by the margin they'll lose their race are unbearable. Even to see them lose wouldn't be satisfying, as they shouldn't be there in the first place. And who could forget the two bozos from the swim team, the one who fell off his skateboard and broke his arm, and the other who used his government funded training, fitness, and strength to sucker punch a team member to a bloody pulp. Go team!

Speaking of the Aussie spin, one thing that we can be eternally grateful for is that we wont have to put up with is channel 7’s roving reporter who’s name escapes me (Curly, Curny or something). The concoction of this guy's over-exaggerated Aussie accent and his ridiculous questions to confused athletes who are trying to figure out if he’s speaking English between his G’days, Mates and Aussie clichés are enough to make you move to North Korea for their superior and more balanced media coverage. This simpleton is in his element in the Olympics, where after seeing a sport he doesn't know or understand (making it whimsical and stupid), he asks seasoned athletes from non-Australian countries who have just won a Gold medal: “G’day mate, wow, you were high off the ground in the pole vault weren't you?” The polite nods he gets from these athletes as they edge away to speak with real reporters shows the esteem that 7’s man Curly is held.

Of course to try to avoid showing too many foreigners, we can expect usual trick of flicking between events in order to show every single Aussie competing. Is there anything more infuriating watching your tv switch from a shot at goal in hockey to heat 3 of the 400 meters to a free throw in basketball to a bullseye in archery to a serve in volleyball to an attempted high jump to a dismount from the uneven bars in gymnastics to a shot of Anthony LaPaglia in Underbelly Badness, all within a seizure-inducing 2 minutes?

An Australian Olympic broadcast just wouldn't be complete without references about how Sydney 2000 did it better. Or naive commentators comparing fringe foreigner sports which Australians don't win Gold medals in such as basketball, volleyball, or gymnastics to AFL or NRL. Or naming which ever female swimmer wins Gold as our newest Golden Girl. But this year we also have the hope that Channel 9 may actually use its multi channels to give us something close to what we could expect with 2012 technology. Could they possibly dare to upset the 6 people that actually watch Channels Gem and Go by foregoing the screening of Bewitched and Green Acres repeats, and show the Olympics on those channels? And wait for it - Yes, if the Olympics are shown on Channel Gem, they may even be in HD. Imagine that, sport in HD! The future is now. (by future I mean 2007).

So the stage is set, London 2012 is days away, and Channel 9 are promising us multi channels, HDTV, 3D coverage and all the bells and whistles. Will they deliver?

Being Lara Bingle is Being Boring

Some more self promos pretending to be news today on The Project.

It started out with some filler story about driverless trains, which naturally was a cue for Bickmore to talk about her son. Its just effortless for her now.

But the real 'news story' of the day was that Lara Bingle was on The Project. All of the praise and admiration lauded on her was a stark contrast to the way she used to be covered by this very show, before she became Channel 10's newest cash cow hope.

The appearance was to promote Channel 10's latest offering in cheap reality tv, Being Lara Bingle. This is another of 10's heavily promoted shows for 2012, and The Project is just the right advertising space.

I think the key goes in here. I think.

Of course there was the obligatory and confusing comparison of Bingle and Micheal Clarke to Posh & Becks. Hmmm, Posh conquered pop culture and the world in the biggest Girl band of all time, selling 75 million albums worldwide; and Becks is one of the most celebrated athletes of all time and a truly global superstar; and together they are worth over £125 Million. And Bingle and Clarke were... umm... Well Bingle's car was stolen once, and Clarke copied Becks' tattoos and haircut.



The Project hasn't been the only promo for this show. The nude photo 'scandal' was also some great promo. There's no question that this 'scandal', in which Bingle was 'unwittingly' photographed nude (again...) was part of the promotion of the show. These photos were taken of her in the apartment provided to her by the producers, standing in the window, topless, with her hair and makeup done. All in perfect time to drum up some interest in her show. The lamest part about this 'privacy invasion' is that the unblurred photos were never leaked to the internet. Come on, how silly do you think we are! Geez even Fev was able to get his nude pic of her onto cyberspace!

Watch the show an you may see more. Maybe.
You'll have to watch and see. 8.00 Tuesday. On 10.
Please watch, you might see boobs.

To prove the point the 'sneak peek' ad for Being Bingle shows an in-depth, scripted conversation about the pictures, which were of course shown over and over, albeit with the buzz kill blurring. So teenage boys - all aboard the Bingle train for potential glimpses of boob!

But Lara isn't the only star this show. Her evidently freeloading brother has moved in with his famous sister, coincidentally at the same time as her show is being filmed. In his 'meet the bingles' bio he's been Christened as "the definition of the Australian bloke", possibly because he likes getting into drunken fights at the races.

But even with all this going on, the prediction is that Bingle will go the way of Excess Baggage, and be cast out unceremoniously to the graveyard of the secondary channel without so much an obituary or goodbye.

This is because reality tv is all about the $$$$$$. Despite Lara's 'Meet the Bingles' bio, Kardashian or Hilton she is not. Watching K-Dash, you see that her idea of a weekend might include taking the private jet to Vegas; partying in the VIP area of Pure nightclub and drinking Crystal and Patron Gran Platinum all night. On the other hand, Bingle's high life weekend might involve flying Jetstar Premium Economy to Sydney, getting free entry to the Ivy and a $50 drink card. Her lifestyle just isn't exclusive or unobtainable enough to be interesting.

So what will be the draw card to this show? In other words, how will it be edited to make it interesting? Lara Bingle as the cutsie girly-girl seems to be the the angle they are going for. Will it work? Or will the drama and 'poor me' victim card be played, and show her whine about lack of privacy, while cameras film every ironic tear? Either way, the one thing you can count on is that this will be more scripted than an infomercial, and it'll be Lara Bingle selling Lara Bingle.

Time will tell...