Puberty Blues = Not So Blue

2012 has been a benchmark year in awful for Australian TV.

From the endless reality lowlights of Everybody Dance Now, Big Brother, Bingle, The Shire, and Excess Baggage, to the drama misses of House Husbands, The cheap ripoff of Sons of Anarchy Bikie Wars, Underbelly 58, and Winners and Losers; it's been nothing but bland predictable failures from go to woe.

But somehow, one drama that was firmly in the category of likely 2012 failures, has miraculously been able to buck the trend. Whether its by blind luck or design, who would have thought that Puberty Blues could actually be popular? When Channel 10 announced a remake of this 1970s film, a collective groan was heard across the country. Are there any new ideas in Australian TV. Any?

Of course, the answer to that question is no...

...But to everyone’s surprise, Puberty Blues is different. It has a hook. A coming of age drama is nothing new, but one set entirely in the 1970s is a surprisingly refreshing idea. Puberty Blues is essentially the typical “ordinary people, everyday problems” scenario that Australian scriptwriters love so dearly, but its the 1970s spin which is a little daring and sets this show apart. More importantly, it shields the writers from showing their ignorance on what real life and real situations are actually like. The nods to the good old simple life in the 70s are quaint, and the language used is timeless. Shut up Moles!

"She's such a Mole"

As is standard with all Aussie dramas, Puberty Blues is a pay cheque for a fair share of Aussie actor has beens. But this is one situation where the recycled actors almost adds to the retro feel of this show, albeit by accident. Although the retro feel has a very 90's flavour with all the hits including McLeod's Daughters, Water Rats, Blue Heelers and Stingers well represented in the CVs of the cast of Aussie washed ups.

Claudia Karvan is the one exception, and is a coup for Puberty Blues. Even though she has done the rounds of Aussie TV, she’s steered clear of the Neighbours, Home & Away, cop show, and hospital drama traps, and doesn't have that same washed up feel of her hack colleagues co stars. How she’s managed this is deserving of a Logie Award in itself. Not to mention she starred in one of the very rare gems of Australian film – The Big Steal. 

The Logie for managing to be an Australian TV actor and NOT
appear on Neighbours and H&A goes to Claudia Karvan.

The other win for this show is that it actually looks like some money has been spent on it to get the 1970s feel. The clothes, the props, they all fit to the 70s. Even the lack of High Def does.

In reality no money has been spent, its just that the budgets of all Aussie TV dramas can only afford used hand-me-down costumes from the 1970s, which have gathered dust since being worn by Molly and Simon on A Country Practice, but in this case it works, as they’ve hit the right era. Its funny how the school uniforms worn in Puberty Blues look exactly the same as those worn by Neighbours and Home & Away characters which are supposedly set 35 years later.

As for the props, is there anything worse than watching an Aussie drama which is set in current times, and seeing the characters boil the kettle on the stove for a cup of coffee, or wash dishes by hand? Does anyone really not have an electric kettle or a dishwasher anymore? You can get electric kettles from Coles for $10! Then again, according to Aussie drama, there is no Coles, all grocery shopping is done at Alf Stewart's corner store.

But once again, this scenario that makes Packed to Rafters look like its filmed in a $2 shop actually works for a show which set in the 1970s. Even the corner store is believable when its the 1970s! I wonder if they sell Big Boss candy cigars.

So it looks like channel 10 have stumbled upon a winning formula. When all the available ideas, dialogue, costumes and props are all decades behind the times, why not set the show to the same era? It'll look more genuine than anything else on TV...

The Shire of Fightin

Ahh the classy characters of The Shire. Making the news for all the expected reasons.

First up, two of the Shire Girls, Sophie and Vernesa, get into a fight with some old friends at a shopping centre. Charming. The old shopping centre fight, the height of class. No word yet whether it was because their old friends snatched the last cherry red lipstick out of the $5 bargain bin before the shire girls could get to it. This was of course jumped on for the exclusive scoop by A Current Affair, who took a rare break from the slander fest with Channel 7 to take a shot at channel 10's finest.

Then came more news of another, ahem, star of The Shire who, after senselessly abusing a stranger on a drunken night, resisted arrest and argued with the cops. This worldwide superstar was heard to yell those epic words:

“Do you know who I am? I’m from the Shire”

Evidently, like the rest of the world, the police didn’t know who he was, and more importantly, didn’t care, and so arrested him anyway. As it turns out, this guy is not even a credited character on The Shire, he is the mate of a peripheral character on the show. Everyone’s a reality star these days.

Another tragic example of the “Do you know who I am?” plight of a deluded reality celeb. So many forgotten reality stars who’s brains have been fried by too many $20 drink cards at suburban nightclubs into actually thinking that their brush with the biz should afford them the status of Prince Harry or Lady Gaga.

But whereas other reality ‘stars’ are mostly harmless vain dimwits, The Shire has lived up to its predictions for being full of violent bullies, racists, homophobes, and just basically nasty conceited people. And Channel 10 is surely uncomfortable promoting these types. Its one thing to poke fun at two girls who’ve botoxed their brains into slush, but how do you promote some violent thug who’s likely next move is to king hit some kid at Maccas at 4am?

No doubt there are sighs of relief behind closed doors at Channel 10 when the ratings come in to show that no one watches The Shire, except maybe its ‘stars’ who are attempting to see if their Southern Cross tatts look as hectic as the street side tattooist in Bali assured them it did.

As The Shire follows Everybody Dance Now and Bingle as overhyped failures, trying to catch a glimpse of the show on its way out is as elusive as finding someone who actually thought it would be a good show in the first place. Shunted from timeslot to timeslot on its way down, it resembles a used lunch wrapper bouncing around the rim of a rubbish bin, before finally and inevitably disappearing down onto Channel 10’s crowded trash pile of 2012 misses.

Don't Tell The Bride. Or Anyone Else For That Matter.

Oh Sally, what have you done? Has Milko been telling you to do bad things again? How could you sign up for such a terrible show?

Oh Milko, I Do

Channel 10's new show, Don't Tell The Bride, goes for the worst of the worst. All men are mouth-breathing caveman idiots, too stupid to give a crap about anything; and all women are bitchy irrational high maintenance bridezillas. Sexist and outdated gender stereotypes, as well as a generous smattering of the urban bogan are the themes here.

The very first introduction sets the scene for this show:

"A show about 'Ordinary Aussie Blokes' taking on the biggest job of their lives"

A rule set in stone in Aussie TV is that as soon as you hear the words "Ordinary Aussie", prepare for a
show about obnoxious bogans acting up for the cameras. We've had The Shire, now Channel 10 follows up with Don't Tell The Bride.

Get ready to laugh at the crushing of the hopes and happiness of young ladies who's imbecile boyfriends organise cheap and tacky wedding days; under the encouragement of their hyperactive friends who are trying to get their faces on TV; and all paid for by Channel 10. Stereotypes, cliches, and more stereotypes.

In the first episode, side splitting hilarity ensues when the groom does such unrealistic man-like things as choose the wedding dress in 8 seconds, and organise the reception at the snow, when his lucky bride-to-be hates the snow. Obviously this sort of conflict is the whole point of the show, but its hard to believe that these decisions are anything close to genuine. Stupidity and manliness aside, would any guy really care that little about the woman he is marrying as to make these types of choices?

Battle of the sexes is a tired and outdated genre.

After watching five minutes of the show, it becomes painfully clear that it is completely exploitative of people who are cash strapped and a little short on brains. A really nasty undertone is evident, and you're left feeling like you've been at a 1980's country circus, watching abused animals being whipped and marginalised people being exploited, all for your entertainment.

Roll up to the greatest show in town.
Laugh and point at people who you are better than.

As low-brow as this show is, and as unlikable as the people on it are, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because its clear they are on the show because they can't afford to pay for their wedding. And Channel 10 is using them so that you, the viewer can laugh at how stupid they are. And Sally's judgemental and condescending narratives just add to the sick feeling of it all.

We'll need one  "Best day ever"
and two "I love you's"

Of course all the episodes end happily, with the bride and guests finally embracing the day. But you can't help but imagine that while the Bride is saying how great her man has done, the producers are behind the cameras waving the contracts which state that there must be some positive comments at the end of the night, or no one gets paid. And once the Producer yells "cut", she goes back to organising the annulment.

The final insult from this show is that it attempts to be genuine and lovey-dovey. It brings up memories of Jerry Springer's 'Final Thoughts' segment where he tried to give some intelligent advice after staging a one hour show about men who want to get a sex change so they can marry their horse.

And finally...

How many guys out there would actually CHOOSE to wear a Homer Simpson tie to their own wedding? Generally, Grooms ALWAYS chose their own attire, and there is never a Homer Simpson or Bugs Bunny tie in sight. Nothing to do with what the bride will or won't allow. Just a bit of self respect.

In fact, ever since they were all the rage for 3 months in 1994, now the only time you see cartoon ties on men over the age of 13, they're on their way to defend themselves at the Shepparton Magistrates court. cartoon ties do go perfectly with the unironed shirt with the folds from the packaging still indented into it.



Don’t tell the Bride? Don’t bother telling anyone. Its already time to divorce this show.

Everybody Dance Now - Like No Ones Watching

Update 21/08 - Gooooone. That was quick!

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/tens-everybody-dance-now-gets-the-chop/story-e6frfmyi-1226455173972


Channel 10’s attempt to to reincarnate the dance reality show with Everybody Dance Now resembles the drunk IT guy trying to shake it in on the dance floor at the office Christmas party. Awkward, stumbling and just plain cringe-worthy.

Everybody Dance Now (Or EDN if you're being supercool) uses the very hip-and-now 'Dance Battle' format in an attempt to elevate itself from the already overcrowded and very tired genre of tv dance comps. But the only battle on this show will be the battle to stay on air.

Thoughts of dance battles conjure up scenes of Breakdance crews hustlin' for props from the flygirls on the streets of the Bronx in 1982. But instead, ballers, graffiti gangs and hip hop hustlers are replaced by burlesque, ballet and contemporary dancers. Not really genres of dance you'd think of with dance battling. Trying to bring high kicks and pirouettes to the streets just doesn't fly. Seeing these ‘battles’, you're just left with asking WHY? Looooong way to go before they get the street cred of Cold Crush and Charlie Chase's Wildstyle Basketball Throwdown.

But possibly the most painful part of the show are the team Captains - Jason Derulo and Kelly Rowland. Clearly they were tricked, paid sqillions, or both to show up. Watching them trying to pump up their teams hip hop style with the "give it up y'alls" and the "Yeeeeeahs" after they've stumbled about on the dance floor is embarrassing. Unable to add any cred to the show, they end up sounding like an infomercial, and are up there in tv sales folklore with Mr. T selling the Flavorwave Oven.

If you watch closely enough you’ll notice the sympathetic glances between Kelly and Jason of "Get me the F*** Outta Here!!!"

Don’t worry, no one in the US will see this. Lets just
 get through it, get paid, and never come back

And its not just the dancing which makes this talent quest more high school dance than soul train summer boogie down. Put aside all the battle distractions, and essentially you're left with a lamer version of Australia’s Got Talent, with a much smaller budget and worse performers. After years of SYTYCD and AGT, the barrel is well and truly scraped when looking for new dance talent.

The staging of this show is almost as bad as the concept, in what is assumed to be an attempt at a GoGo Disco set, clearly someone raided a dumpster and found the old sets from Now You See It, and then got a group of 14 year olds to make some 'youth' inspired enhancements with green cellophane.

The very things that they have tried to inject into this show to set it apart from others like it, are the very things that make such an epic flop. Dance competitions are a crowded genre, but maybe this show could have had legs if it had just been normal, but all the hoopla, balling and shouting make it fake, painful and low rent. One week on air and its already moved time slot on its way to oblivion. Did anyone NOT see this coming? It'll be lucky to make Channel 11.

Why can't networks realise that shows run their course, and when they're done, they're done. Dance was done with SYTYCD's last episode. Next we'll hear they're bringing back Big Brother ;-)

Welcome to The Shire of Bogan

The ads have started, and it's going ahead. Channel 10’s 'The Shire', looks to be exactly as anticipated: A show about vain 20-something nobodies with delusions that a being on a reality show is a career path. It'll all be here. The Ed Hardy t-shirts. The word 'hectic'. The Southern Cross tattoos. The Jetstar specials. The horror of the modern bogan.

The Shire has been touted as an Aussie version of Jersey Shore. But with the state of channel 10’s budgets (they’ve been using the same cardboard cut-outs on the sets of Neighbours for decades), there’s not much that Channel 10 can buy their newest stars that will push their lives into anything beyond suburban mundane. Aside from the obligatory bikini babes to keep the teenage boys interested, there's not much for anyone else to tune in to.

So what will be the hook for this show? What will make people watch? Reality tv shows need to have something that keeps people tuning in. Are the Shire’s (ahem) ‘stars’ famous? No. Are they rich? No. Do they lead exclusive lives? No. Are they interesting people? Hell No. Even the most maligned reality shows have a reason which makes people want to watch the lives of their stars. Paris Hilton & K-Dash – Rich, famous, exclusive. Laguna Beach & The Hills – Rich, exclusive. Jersey Shore – Exclusive (albeit thanks to MTV’s $$).

So it looks like they’ll have to rely on manufactured drama (which will need to be edited when the hot heads inevitably start throwing haymakers at each other after too many Bundy and Cokes), cut-aways to crashing waves and seagulls, and Masterchef style recaps of what just happened. Wait for the tie-in with Lara Bingle’s show to boost the ratings (for both shows). Channel 10 will hope that the combination of the two shows will be greater than the sum of their parts.

As for reality, well no one actually thinks that reality tv is real anymore. The setups, editing and scripts have turned the genre into 'dramality'. But how will this work when there is nothing interesting about the people, situations, or stories of The Shire? Would you stop on the street to listen to bogans talk about how smashed they were last night? Or listen to them rating whatever girls have the misfortune of crossing their line of sight?

Where is this 'Shire'? Is it a mysterious place on the edge of a hidden paradise? No. Its Cronulla. A suburb of Sydney. Calling it 'The Shire' is obviously a ploy to make it sound more exciting than it is. Does anyone really call it the Shire? The last person I knew of who said they were from The Shire was a hobbit on a road trip with a ring and a little bald troll chasing him down yelling out “precious”.

Welcome to the Shire. Get off my beach.

Channel 10 is claiming this show is to show the 'heart of Australia'. But its more like what naive tourists would like to think Australia is. Bronzed pretty people who sit around all day in the sun. I wonder if they have a minimum number of times the cast will have to say “mate”. As I look out my office window into the freezing and busy concrete of Melbourne’s CBD, it seems The Shire's version of Australia is about as true to life as the fact that we hitch rides to work in kangaroos' pouches.

The mark of the well travelled

The truly sad thing about this show is that it celebrates many things that just shouldn’t be celebrated. It will be full of arrogant bogans who think their Southern Cross tattoos and Bintang singlets from Bali; self infatuation and incomprehensible accents; and ignorance to the rest of the world are something to be admired. These are the obnoxious idiots who ruin your night when seated near your table at a restaurant. The embarrassing loudmouths overseas that you cringe when you realise they share the same passport as you, and pray that the locals don’t think you’re like them.



If Channel 10 wants to showcase the Aussie surf culture, why not follow some of Australia’s pro surfers on tour? That would check off all the ingredients for reality tv – rich, talented and famous people with exclusive and interesting lives, living most people's dream job.

Instead we get a bunch of obnoxious nobodies with nothing to do who think they are a somebodies with something to do.

Being Lara Bingle is Being Boring

Some more self promos pretending to be news today on The Project.

It started out with some filler story about driverless trains, which naturally was a cue for Bickmore to talk about her son. Its just effortless for her now.

But the real 'news story' of the day was that Lara Bingle was on The Project. All of the praise and admiration lauded on her was a stark contrast to the way she used to be covered by this very show, before she became Channel 10's newest cash cow hope.

The appearance was to promote Channel 10's latest offering in cheap reality tv, Being Lara Bingle. This is another of 10's heavily promoted shows for 2012, and The Project is just the right advertising space.

I think the key goes in here. I think.

Of course there was the obligatory and confusing comparison of Bingle and Micheal Clarke to Posh & Becks. Hmmm, Posh conquered pop culture and the world in the biggest Girl band of all time, selling 75 million albums worldwide; and Becks is one of the most celebrated athletes of all time and a truly global superstar; and together they are worth over £125 Million. And Bingle and Clarke were... umm... Well Bingle's car was stolen once, and Clarke copied Becks' tattoos and haircut.



The Project hasn't been the only promo for this show. The nude photo 'scandal' was also some great promo. There's no question that this 'scandal', in which Bingle was 'unwittingly' photographed nude (again...) was part of the promotion of the show. These photos were taken of her in the apartment provided to her by the producers, standing in the window, topless, with her hair and makeup done. All in perfect time to drum up some interest in her show. The lamest part about this 'privacy invasion' is that the unblurred photos were never leaked to the internet. Come on, how silly do you think we are! Geez even Fev was able to get his nude pic of her onto cyberspace!

Watch the show an you may see more. Maybe.
You'll have to watch and see. 8.00 Tuesday. On 10.
Please watch, you might see boobs.

To prove the point the 'sneak peek' ad for Being Bingle shows an in-depth, scripted conversation about the pictures, which were of course shown over and over, albeit with the buzz kill blurring. So teenage boys - all aboard the Bingle train for potential glimpses of boob!

But Lara isn't the only star this show. Her evidently freeloading brother has moved in with his famous sister, coincidentally at the same time as her show is being filmed. In his 'meet the bingles' bio he's been Christened as "the definition of the Australian bloke", possibly because he likes getting into drunken fights at the races.

But even with all this going on, the prediction is that Bingle will go the way of Excess Baggage, and be cast out unceremoniously to the graveyard of the secondary channel without so much an obituary or goodbye.

This is because reality tv is all about the $$$$$$. Despite Lara's 'Meet the Bingles' bio, Kardashian or Hilton she is not. Watching K-Dash, you see that her idea of a weekend might include taking the private jet to Vegas; partying in the VIP area of Pure nightclub and drinking Crystal and Patron Gran Platinum all night. On the other hand, Bingle's high life weekend might involve flying Jetstar Premium Economy to Sydney, getting free entry to the Ivy and a $50 drink card. Her lifestyle just isn't exclusive or unobtainable enough to be interesting.

So what will be the draw card to this show? In other words, how will it be edited to make it interesting? Lara Bingle as the cutsie girly-girl seems to be the the angle they are going for. Will it work? Or will the drama and 'poor me' victim card be played, and show her whine about lack of privacy, while cameras film every ironic tear? Either way, the one thing you can count on is that this will be more scripted than an infomercial, and it'll be Lara Bingle selling Lara Bingle.

Time will tell...

The Bikie Wars Project

In one of the most shameless but predictable self promotions of recent tv times, tonight The Project has dished up a 5 minute advertisement for Channels 10's Bikie Wars, masquerading it as a legitimate news story.

The 'news story' was all about the Bikie Gangs in Sydney, and repeatedly mentioned one of the gangs depicted in the upcoming show - there was even and interview with their bossman. Add to this the numerous mentions of street shootouts, turf wars and gang members switching clubs, and we were basically left with a synopsis of the plot of Bikie Wars. The article was even called Bikie Wars!

The next news story was about a neurotic Doctor who can't sort out her love life.

In a desperate stretch to make the promotion seem newsworthy and relevant, the thinly veiled story mentioned something about a law that didn't get passed last year that may have affected the Bikie Gangs. That being all their researcher could come up with, the rest of the story resembled a school project on Bikie Gangs, with gems of information such as "there are x number of Motorcycle Clubs in Australia, and a total of x number of members". They even had graphics to go with these insightful stats!

This self promo had all the subtlety of an ex Big Brother contestant trying to convince bouncers to let him into a nightclub at 3am. You could even see the panelists cringing while they betrayed their high-brow stances to pretend that this was news. You could just imagine Channel 10's Head of Programming typing up the teleprompters. In what I'd like to think was a protest against this cheap promo, Carrie even refused to finish the intro to the story. Career limiting move from Mother Bickmore!

The attempt at the 'bullshit cough' didn't go unnoticed by network management.

If tonight was any indication, I cannot wait to see The Project panelists when they are forced to promote some of the gems that Channel 10 has coming up like The Bingle Show and the Jersey Shore rip off!

Sons of Bikie Wars Anarchy

A new series of Masterchef, and a new advertising platform for channel 10 to canvass their new crop of tv shows. 

First up in the ads was ‘Bikie Wars – Brothers in Arms’

Proving that originality and Australian tv go together like HDTV and Aussie Sports, this show is an unashamed attempt at an Australianised version Sons of Anarchy. And Australianised means lower budget, recycled actors, and plenty of out of place swearing to add shock value. No word yet when the bare flesh of the girls will come out to boost the ratings, but you can bet your motorcycle on it.

Maybe no one will notice...

Bikie Wars has been advertised with the good old “Based on a True Story” tagline, which is up there in meaning and substance as when “World Premiere” is used to describe Aussie telemovies. That single word “BASED” is used as a free pass by writers to create what ever story they want, while at the same time trying to add a bit of edge to the plots by claiming they really happened.

And there are no better purveyors of the “Based on a True Story” than those essential documentary makers, the writers of Underbelly, who now bring us Bikie Wars. To them, “based on a true story” gives them creative license to conjure up the most unrealistic stories, or just copy stories from popular US shows, whack a few real names from history onto their characters, and call it true. Just as Underbelly Razor was based on the true story of Boardwalk Empire, so too will Bikie Wars be based on the true story of Sons of Anarchy.

Nickelback?

The realism we can expect in this show is aptly described in an interview with the main actor, where he details the depth of research he put into the role - watching Sons of Anarchy. This research is clearly evident when he says he envies the camaraderie in the gangs "You take your brother's side first and I think that would be a beautiful thing to experience." This would be deep if the show he is describing wasn’t centred around a split within a motor cycle gang that resulted in a shootout where 7 people were killed. Taking your brother's side first, and shooting them second? Truly a beautiful thing!! He goes on to say that “honouring the story and the relationships at the heart of the drama was a key to getting the story right”.  Whaaaaaat? Does he think he is on Packed to the Rafters? Does he also claim that all the violence was followed up by gentlemanly handshakes and a friendly beer? If that’s the subject knowledge the main actor has, I can’t wait to see his realistic portrayal of his character!

With no less than 5 credited cast members who are Underbelly alumni, including the well researched main character, the transition of those truth seeking Underbelly fans from channel 9 to channel 10 should be seamless. I suspect the only thing stopping Bikie Wars being called Underbelly Series 5 is the ownership of naming rights. None the less, Bikie Wars will have a ready made audience before the first hired Harley is ridden onto screen by a stunt double.

I wonder if channel 10 are going to conjure up some artificial news about bikies on their 5pm news or on The Project, in a sneaky-but-fool-no-one attempt to drum up some publicity for this show, Lara Bingle nude pictures style?