Don't Tell The Bride. Or Anyone Else For That Matter.

Oh Sally, what have you done? Has Milko been telling you to do bad things again? How could you sign up for such a terrible show?

Oh Milko, I Do

Channel 10's new show, Don't Tell The Bride, goes for the worst of the worst. All men are mouth-breathing caveman idiots, too stupid to give a crap about anything; and all women are bitchy irrational high maintenance bridezillas. Sexist and outdated gender stereotypes, as well as a generous smattering of the urban bogan are the themes here.

The very first introduction sets the scene for this show:

"A show about 'Ordinary Aussie Blokes' taking on the biggest job of their lives"

A rule set in stone in Aussie TV is that as soon as you hear the words "Ordinary Aussie", prepare for a
show about obnoxious bogans acting up for the cameras. We've had The Shire, now Channel 10 follows up with Don't Tell The Bride.

Get ready to laugh at the crushing of the hopes and happiness of young ladies who's imbecile boyfriends organise cheap and tacky wedding days; under the encouragement of their hyperactive friends who are trying to get their faces on TV; and all paid for by Channel 10. Stereotypes, cliches, and more stereotypes.

In the first episode, side splitting hilarity ensues when the groom does such unrealistic man-like things as choose the wedding dress in 8 seconds, and organise the reception at the snow, when his lucky bride-to-be hates the snow. Obviously this sort of conflict is the whole point of the show, but its hard to believe that these decisions are anything close to genuine. Stupidity and manliness aside, would any guy really care that little about the woman he is marrying as to make these types of choices?

Battle of the sexes is a tired and outdated genre.

After watching five minutes of the show, it becomes painfully clear that it is completely exploitative of people who are cash strapped and a little short on brains. A really nasty undertone is evident, and you're left feeling like you've been at a 1980's country circus, watching abused animals being whipped and marginalised people being exploited, all for your entertainment.

Roll up to the greatest show in town.
Laugh and point at people who you are better than.

As low-brow as this show is, and as unlikable as the people on it are, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because its clear they are on the show because they can't afford to pay for their wedding. And Channel 10 is using them so that you, the viewer can laugh at how stupid they are. And Sally's judgemental and condescending narratives just add to the sick feeling of it all.

We'll need one  "Best day ever"
and two "I love you's"

Of course all the episodes end happily, with the bride and guests finally embracing the day. But you can't help but imagine that while the Bride is saying how great her man has done, the producers are behind the cameras waving the contracts which state that there must be some positive comments at the end of the night, or no one gets paid. And once the Producer yells "cut", she goes back to organising the annulment.

The final insult from this show is that it attempts to be genuine and lovey-dovey. It brings up memories of Jerry Springer's 'Final Thoughts' segment where he tried to give some intelligent advice after staging a one hour show about men who want to get a sex change so they can marry their horse.

And finally...

How many guys out there would actually CHOOSE to wear a Homer Simpson tie to their own wedding? Generally, Grooms ALWAYS chose their own attire, and there is never a Homer Simpson or Bugs Bunny tie in sight. Nothing to do with what the bride will or won't allow. Just a bit of self respect.

In fact, ever since they were all the rage for 3 months in 1994, now the only time you see cartoon ties on men over the age of 13, they're on their way to defend themselves at the Shepparton Magistrates court. cartoon ties do go perfectly with the unironed shirt with the folds from the packaging still indented into it.



Don’t tell the Bride? Don’t bother telling anyone. Its already time to divorce this show.

Welcome to The Shire of Bogan

The ads have started, and it's going ahead. Channel 10’s 'The Shire', looks to be exactly as anticipated: A show about vain 20-something nobodies with delusions that a being on a reality show is a career path. It'll all be here. The Ed Hardy t-shirts. The word 'hectic'. The Southern Cross tattoos. The Jetstar specials. The horror of the modern bogan.

The Shire has been touted as an Aussie version of Jersey Shore. But with the state of channel 10’s budgets (they’ve been using the same cardboard cut-outs on the sets of Neighbours for decades), there’s not much that Channel 10 can buy their newest stars that will push their lives into anything beyond suburban mundane. Aside from the obligatory bikini babes to keep the teenage boys interested, there's not much for anyone else to tune in to.

So what will be the hook for this show? What will make people watch? Reality tv shows need to have something that keeps people tuning in. Are the Shire’s (ahem) ‘stars’ famous? No. Are they rich? No. Do they lead exclusive lives? No. Are they interesting people? Hell No. Even the most maligned reality shows have a reason which makes people want to watch the lives of their stars. Paris Hilton & K-Dash – Rich, famous, exclusive. Laguna Beach & The Hills – Rich, exclusive. Jersey Shore – Exclusive (albeit thanks to MTV’s $$).

So it looks like they’ll have to rely on manufactured drama (which will need to be edited when the hot heads inevitably start throwing haymakers at each other after too many Bundy and Cokes), cut-aways to crashing waves and seagulls, and Masterchef style recaps of what just happened. Wait for the tie-in with Lara Bingle’s show to boost the ratings (for both shows). Channel 10 will hope that the combination of the two shows will be greater than the sum of their parts.

As for reality, well no one actually thinks that reality tv is real anymore. The setups, editing and scripts have turned the genre into 'dramality'. But how will this work when there is nothing interesting about the people, situations, or stories of The Shire? Would you stop on the street to listen to bogans talk about how smashed they were last night? Or listen to them rating whatever girls have the misfortune of crossing their line of sight?

Where is this 'Shire'? Is it a mysterious place on the edge of a hidden paradise? No. Its Cronulla. A suburb of Sydney. Calling it 'The Shire' is obviously a ploy to make it sound more exciting than it is. Does anyone really call it the Shire? The last person I knew of who said they were from The Shire was a hobbit on a road trip with a ring and a little bald troll chasing him down yelling out “precious”.

Welcome to the Shire. Get off my beach.

Channel 10 is claiming this show is to show the 'heart of Australia'. But its more like what naive tourists would like to think Australia is. Bronzed pretty people who sit around all day in the sun. I wonder if they have a minimum number of times the cast will have to say “mate”. As I look out my office window into the freezing and busy concrete of Melbourne’s CBD, it seems The Shire's version of Australia is about as true to life as the fact that we hitch rides to work in kangaroos' pouches.

The mark of the well travelled

The truly sad thing about this show is that it celebrates many things that just shouldn’t be celebrated. It will be full of arrogant bogans who think their Southern Cross tattoos and Bintang singlets from Bali; self infatuation and incomprehensible accents; and ignorance to the rest of the world are something to be admired. These are the obnoxious idiots who ruin your night when seated near your table at a restaurant. The embarrassing loudmouths overseas that you cringe when you realise they share the same passport as you, and pray that the locals don’t think you’re like them.



If Channel 10 wants to showcase the Aussie surf culture, why not follow some of Australia’s pro surfers on tour? That would check off all the ingredients for reality tv – rich, talented and famous people with exclusive and interesting lives, living most people's dream job.

Instead we get a bunch of obnoxious nobodies with nothing to do who think they are a somebodies with something to do.