Melbourne's Kardashian Kaos

When Kim Kardashian recently arrived in Melbourne, there were thousands of over-hyped teens, and more than a few blokes who should know better, all excited to catch a glimpse of the one and only Miss Kim K.

But not everyone was happy she was here. Journos, experts, and social commentators all came out with their pitchforks and their matches, ready to burn her at the stake. But what were her sins, what did she do that was so evil?

Its no secret that the Kardashians are the business of making money, and Kim didn't come to Australia on a humanitarian mission of goodwill. Was it news to anyone that she came here on a promotional tour? of course it wasn't, so why the outrage? People want to see her because she is stylish, beautiful, and cool. And she delivered on every level.

There was one particularly nasty article in The Age which reeked of a reporter who thought he was far too good to be there. As is unfortunately all too common here in Aus, the Tall Poppy Syndrome came out in full force, and it was self righteously ugly.

There were the customary swipes about having to provide questions to her Publicist before the interview. But why wouldn't this be the case? With reporters baying for blood and controversy at every turn, wouldn't it be negligent for any Publicist not to screen the questions? And don't all celebs screen their questions? Even politicians do. The tone of the interview is the very reason why its required!

Then there were the 'lets show how stupid you are' questions about politics, legal proceedings and the Mars Rover. Kim isn't here for her thoughts on politics, court cases and space, so why ask? Why does she have to prove herself on this stuff? Whether or not she knows or cares what the answers are, she is not claiming to be a political activist or scientist. Its painfully clear the purpose of these questions were an attempt to show her as a dumb pretty celeb. 

Why didn’t anyone ask the Olympians about their political or legal views?

The Australian media is always so quick to cut down big celebrities who don't measure up to their lofty standards. Its as though they have a chip on their shoulder because the celeb is too beautiful, or not wholesome enough. Of course, this isn't the first time an international star has had to put up with this.

Who could forget David Beckham's visit to Aus a few years back. He did everything 'right' - visited kids in hospitals, posed in photos, signed autographs - way more than 99% of the population has ever done. And that is not to mention the great game of football he played. He put on a show for the fans, bent it like Beckham to score a superb goal, he was entertaining, and the fans loved it.

But of course, this just wasn't good enough for some areas of the media, especially those TV channels who didn't have the rights to the match. How could this foreigner with all his money, fame, and good looks actually be a good and likable guy?

So the story was run that he snubbed some kids at the airport. Obviously there was no mention that security whisked him into his hotel before he knew the plane had landed. Anything for a bit of controversy, and the more negative the better. The media had found an open wound and were going in for the kill, using children as weapons. But unfortunately for the blood thirsty journos, Becks found out about it all, and those same kids were invited to the match, and got to meet their hero after all. And funnily enough, the same media outlets that had championed the cause of these children had slinked away nowhere to be seen.

Its a sad state that not only is it ok, but its almost expected for reporters to demean international celebs who are beautiful and successful. You get the feeling that these reporters think they are speaking for us all.

But the the reality is, they wouldn't be celebs if no one liked them. No one waits at the airport, the red carpet or buys tickets to see a celebrity they hate.

Come back soon Kim!

Big Cats On The Prowl

Some important work going on over at the Department of Sustainability and Environment:

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/sorry-but-there-are-no-big-cats-out-there-20120918-263yy.html

There are almost certainly no pumas, leopards, jaguars or cougars roaming regional Victoria, a state government study has found.

"We can't say 100 per cent there are no big cats in Victoria but we can say it is highly unlikely," Department of Sustainability and Environment zoologist Peter Menkhorst said on Tuesday.

What was the purpose of such a study? Are these legendary Big Cats a problem to anyone? Does this mean a study is also now required to rule out the existence of bunyips and drop bears?

Surely they didn't think they'd actually be able to CONFIRM the existence of the Big Cats? And if they did confirm the cats don't exist, does anyone think that would stop the people who claim to have seen them - the kooks, the crazies and the conspiracy theorists?

I hate to think of the amount of time, resources and efforts were wasted on this study, which couldn't even make a definitive conclusion. Good to see the State has money to burn!

His survey of about a century's worth of anecdotal evidence alleging big cats exist in Victoria has concluded it is highly unlikely

Highly unlikely? Way to commit to your work! Surely all it takes is bit of common sense to rule out the Big Cats?

But thankfully, common sense doesn't prevail, and thankfully, the 'experts' can't confirm that there are no Big Cats prowling the Victorian bush.

Because why would anyone want to deny such a great urban legend?

How would older siblings scare their younger brothers and sisters on camping holidays if there are no more black pumas prowling the night looking for campers to snack on?

"It probably is dogs or foxes or pigs or known predators, " Mr Menkhorst said.

Pigs? Dogs? How are you going to tell a decent scary campfire story about killer PIGS?

There’s probably no Bigfoot or Lochness Monster either. But who wants to believe it?

Agriculture Minister Peter Walsh said the study concluded the most obvious explanation for the reported sightings of big cats over the years was that they were large, feral cats

Pfft – large feral cats – Its a Puma. And always will be.

The Real House Husbands of...

After the bombardment of ads during the Olympics which were only slightly less annoying than the commentary itself, Channel 9’s post Olympic schedule has barely raised a mention.

From Underbelly: Yet Again, which may or may not have made it to its final episode; to Big Brother which is now just a Gold Coast share house of bored people, as surely the cameras have been turned off by now; and finally to House Husbands, which has already merged into the mashed up memory of mundane Aussie dramas that went nowhere.

House Husbands has been advertised as:

 "A fresh and dynamic look at Australian family life, with a very modern twist" 

A dubious quote, as I don't know how the adjective 'fresh' can be used to describe an Aussie drama about the boredom of suburban living, with the same old plots, seen a thousand times, brought to life by a cast of tired faces we've seen a thousand more times. Once again we have yet another version of a show about ‘Ordinary People, Everyday Problems’.

As for the 'modern twist', whoa, how progressive, men looking after their kids. Way to get out there Channel 9. The House Husbands seem to be a cross between the bumbling men in those ridiculously sexist ads, who display the intelligence of a slug as they try to find the yogurt in the fridge, or somehow successfully cook a frozen meal that is so easy, even DAD can cook it; and the lazy slob Dads of the painful American sitcoms in the 'Fat Man, Hot Wife' genre, where they just want to watch car racing while being belittled by their sassy wives and smart ass kids. Think 'According to Jim', 'Home Improvement', and the big daddy of them all - 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

As is standard with Aussie TV, the show is full of the familiar faces you don't want to see again. Not daring to stray too far from their comfort zone, Channel Underbelly 9 has cast two of the main characters from the alumni of Underbelly has beens. They've clearly run out of cop shows to put them in. On top of that, we also get to see Gary Sweet As in his latest attempt to keep his Aussie larrikin persona going. The biggest question here is how does this show try to pass him off as one of the kids' fathers? Maybe as the father of one of the other Dads?

House Husbands gives us a gaggle of forgettable-but-déjà-vu story lines, including hapless husbands braving the after-school pick up, and weary wives being over their jobs. How much mileage can they get out of these mundane situations? I cant wait for the episode where Gary Sweet As does the ironing, or when the guy from Underbelly takes the kids to the supermarket to get milk, but sneaks a packet of Twisties without the wife finding out (maybe they could rip off that ad where the Dad is so stupid he can't even pick the right brand of bread for his high maintenance family). Nothing like watching TV about people doing the boring tasks that you are avoiding doing yourself by watching TV.

In this week's episode Mittens
gets the ironing done.

And its all confusingly advertised to the soundtrack from Reservoir Dogs. Are the promotions teams at Channel 9 so conditioned to Underbelly that they automatically think every scene in every show has to copy their favourite gangster film?

Its surprising this show has made it this far. That said, its minimal impact matches 9's other attempt at drama – Tricky Business (is that show still on?) Maybe there's something interesting happening in the Big Brother house that Channel 9's writers could use as inspiration?

Puberty Blues = Not So Blue

2012 has been a benchmark year in awful for Australian TV.

From the endless reality lowlights of Everybody Dance Now, Big Brother, Bingle, The Shire, and Excess Baggage, to the drama misses of House Husbands, The cheap ripoff of Sons of Anarchy Bikie Wars, Underbelly 58, and Winners and Losers; it's been nothing but bland predictable failures from go to woe.

But somehow, one drama that was firmly in the category of likely 2012 failures, has miraculously been able to buck the trend. Whether its by blind luck or design, who would have thought that Puberty Blues could actually be popular? When Channel 10 announced a remake of this 1970s film, a collective groan was heard across the country. Are there any new ideas in Australian TV. Any?

Of course, the answer to that question is no...

...But to everyone’s surprise, Puberty Blues is different. It has a hook. A coming of age drama is nothing new, but one set entirely in the 1970s is a surprisingly refreshing idea. Puberty Blues is essentially the typical “ordinary people, everyday problems” scenario that Australian scriptwriters love so dearly, but its the 1970s spin which is a little daring and sets this show apart. More importantly, it shields the writers from showing their ignorance on what real life and real situations are actually like. The nods to the good old simple life in the 70s are quaint, and the language used is timeless. Shut up Moles!

"She's such a Mole"

As is standard with all Aussie dramas, Puberty Blues is a pay cheque for a fair share of Aussie actor has beens. But this is one situation where the recycled actors almost adds to the retro feel of this show, albeit by accident. Although the retro feel has a very 90's flavour with all the hits including McLeod's Daughters, Water Rats, Blue Heelers and Stingers well represented in the CVs of the cast of Aussie washed ups.

Claudia Karvan is the one exception, and is a coup for Puberty Blues. Even though she has done the rounds of Aussie TV, she’s steered clear of the Neighbours, Home & Away, cop show, and hospital drama traps, and doesn't have that same washed up feel of her hack colleagues co stars. How she’s managed this is deserving of a Logie Award in itself. Not to mention she starred in one of the very rare gems of Australian film – The Big Steal. 

The Logie for managing to be an Australian TV actor and NOT
appear on Neighbours and H&A goes to Claudia Karvan.

The other win for this show is that it actually looks like some money has been spent on it to get the 1970s feel. The clothes, the props, they all fit to the 70s. Even the lack of High Def does.

In reality no money has been spent, its just that the budgets of all Aussie TV dramas can only afford used hand-me-down costumes from the 1970s, which have gathered dust since being worn by Molly and Simon on A Country Practice, but in this case it works, as they’ve hit the right era. Its funny how the school uniforms worn in Puberty Blues look exactly the same as those worn by Neighbours and Home & Away characters which are supposedly set 35 years later.

As for the props, is there anything worse than watching an Aussie drama which is set in current times, and seeing the characters boil the kettle on the stove for a cup of coffee, or wash dishes by hand? Does anyone really not have an electric kettle or a dishwasher anymore? You can get electric kettles from Coles for $10! Then again, according to Aussie drama, there is no Coles, all grocery shopping is done at Alf Stewart's corner store.

But once again, this scenario that makes Packed to Rafters look like its filmed in a $2 shop actually works for a show which set in the 1970s. Even the corner store is believable when its the 1970s! I wonder if they sell Big Boss candy cigars.

So it looks like channel 10 have stumbled upon a winning formula. When all the available ideas, dialogue, costumes and props are all decades behind the times, why not set the show to the same era? It'll look more genuine than anything else on TV...

The Shire of Fightin

Ahh the classy characters of The Shire. Making the news for all the expected reasons.

First up, two of the Shire Girls, Sophie and Vernesa, get into a fight with some old friends at a shopping centre. Charming. The old shopping centre fight, the height of class. No word yet whether it was because their old friends snatched the last cherry red lipstick out of the $5 bargain bin before the shire girls could get to it. This was of course jumped on for the exclusive scoop by A Current Affair, who took a rare break from the slander fest with Channel 7 to take a shot at channel 10's finest.

Then came more news of another, ahem, star of The Shire who, after senselessly abusing a stranger on a drunken night, resisted arrest and argued with the cops. This worldwide superstar was heard to yell those epic words:

“Do you know who I am? I’m from the Shire”

Evidently, like the rest of the world, the police didn’t know who he was, and more importantly, didn’t care, and so arrested him anyway. As it turns out, this guy is not even a credited character on The Shire, he is the mate of a peripheral character on the show. Everyone’s a reality star these days.

Another tragic example of the “Do you know who I am?” plight of a deluded reality celeb. So many forgotten reality stars who’s brains have been fried by too many $20 drink cards at suburban nightclubs into actually thinking that their brush with the biz should afford them the status of Prince Harry or Lady Gaga.

But whereas other reality ‘stars’ are mostly harmless vain dimwits, The Shire has lived up to its predictions for being full of violent bullies, racists, homophobes, and just basically nasty conceited people. And Channel 10 is surely uncomfortable promoting these types. Its one thing to poke fun at two girls who’ve botoxed their brains into slush, but how do you promote some violent thug who’s likely next move is to king hit some kid at Maccas at 4am?

No doubt there are sighs of relief behind closed doors at Channel 10 when the ratings come in to show that no one watches The Shire, except maybe its ‘stars’ who are attempting to see if their Southern Cross tatts look as hectic as the street side tattooist in Bali assured them it did.

As The Shire follows Everybody Dance Now and Bingle as overhyped failures, trying to catch a glimpse of the show on its way out is as elusive as finding someone who actually thought it would be a good show in the first place. Shunted from timeslot to timeslot on its way down, it resembles a used lunch wrapper bouncing around the rim of a rubbish bin, before finally and inevitably disappearing down onto Channel 10’s crowded trash pile of 2012 misses.

Don't Tell The Bride. Or Anyone Else For That Matter.

Oh Sally, what have you done? Has Milko been telling you to do bad things again? How could you sign up for such a terrible show?

Oh Milko, I Do

Channel 10's new show, Don't Tell The Bride, goes for the worst of the worst. All men are mouth-breathing caveman idiots, too stupid to give a crap about anything; and all women are bitchy irrational high maintenance bridezillas. Sexist and outdated gender stereotypes, as well as a generous smattering of the urban bogan are the themes here.

The very first introduction sets the scene for this show:

"A show about 'Ordinary Aussie Blokes' taking on the biggest job of their lives"

A rule set in stone in Aussie TV is that as soon as you hear the words "Ordinary Aussie", prepare for a
show about obnoxious bogans acting up for the cameras. We've had The Shire, now Channel 10 follows up with Don't Tell The Bride.

Get ready to laugh at the crushing of the hopes and happiness of young ladies who's imbecile boyfriends organise cheap and tacky wedding days; under the encouragement of their hyperactive friends who are trying to get their faces on TV; and all paid for by Channel 10. Stereotypes, cliches, and more stereotypes.

In the first episode, side splitting hilarity ensues when the groom does such unrealistic man-like things as choose the wedding dress in 8 seconds, and organise the reception at the snow, when his lucky bride-to-be hates the snow. Obviously this sort of conflict is the whole point of the show, but its hard to believe that these decisions are anything close to genuine. Stupidity and manliness aside, would any guy really care that little about the woman he is marrying as to make these types of choices?

Battle of the sexes is a tired and outdated genre.

After watching five minutes of the show, it becomes painfully clear that it is completely exploitative of people who are cash strapped and a little short on brains. A really nasty undertone is evident, and you're left feeling like you've been at a 1980's country circus, watching abused animals being whipped and marginalised people being exploited, all for your entertainment.

Roll up to the greatest show in town.
Laugh and point at people who you are better than.

As low-brow as this show is, and as unlikable as the people on it are, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because its clear they are on the show because they can't afford to pay for their wedding. And Channel 10 is using them so that you, the viewer can laugh at how stupid they are. And Sally's judgemental and condescending narratives just add to the sick feeling of it all.

We'll need one  "Best day ever"
and two "I love you's"

Of course all the episodes end happily, with the bride and guests finally embracing the day. But you can't help but imagine that while the Bride is saying how great her man has done, the producers are behind the cameras waving the contracts which state that there must be some positive comments at the end of the night, or no one gets paid. And once the Producer yells "cut", she goes back to organising the annulment.

The final insult from this show is that it attempts to be genuine and lovey-dovey. It brings up memories of Jerry Springer's 'Final Thoughts' segment where he tried to give some intelligent advice after staging a one hour show about men who want to get a sex change so they can marry their horse.

And finally...

How many guys out there would actually CHOOSE to wear a Homer Simpson tie to their own wedding? Generally, Grooms ALWAYS chose their own attire, and there is never a Homer Simpson or Bugs Bunny tie in sight. Nothing to do with what the bride will or won't allow. Just a bit of self respect.

In fact, ever since they were all the rage for 3 months in 1994, now the only time you see cartoon ties on men over the age of 13, they're on their way to defend themselves at the Shepparton Magistrates court. cartoon ties do go perfectly with the unironed shirt with the folds from the packaging still indented into it.



Don’t tell the Bride? Don’t bother telling anyone. Its already time to divorce this show.

Everybody Dance Now - Like No Ones Watching

Update 21/08 - Gooooone. That was quick!

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/tens-everybody-dance-now-gets-the-chop/story-e6frfmyi-1226455173972


Channel 10’s attempt to to reincarnate the dance reality show with Everybody Dance Now resembles the drunk IT guy trying to shake it in on the dance floor at the office Christmas party. Awkward, stumbling and just plain cringe-worthy.

Everybody Dance Now (Or EDN if you're being supercool) uses the very hip-and-now 'Dance Battle' format in an attempt to elevate itself from the already overcrowded and very tired genre of tv dance comps. But the only battle on this show will be the battle to stay on air.

Thoughts of dance battles conjure up scenes of Breakdance crews hustlin' for props from the flygirls on the streets of the Bronx in 1982. But instead, ballers, graffiti gangs and hip hop hustlers are replaced by burlesque, ballet and contemporary dancers. Not really genres of dance you'd think of with dance battling. Trying to bring high kicks and pirouettes to the streets just doesn't fly. Seeing these ‘battles’, you're just left with asking WHY? Looooong way to go before they get the street cred of Cold Crush and Charlie Chase's Wildstyle Basketball Throwdown.

But possibly the most painful part of the show are the team Captains - Jason Derulo and Kelly Rowland. Clearly they were tricked, paid sqillions, or both to show up. Watching them trying to pump up their teams hip hop style with the "give it up y'alls" and the "Yeeeeeahs" after they've stumbled about on the dance floor is embarrassing. Unable to add any cred to the show, they end up sounding like an infomercial, and are up there in tv sales folklore with Mr. T selling the Flavorwave Oven.

If you watch closely enough you’ll notice the sympathetic glances between Kelly and Jason of "Get me the F*** Outta Here!!!"

Don’t worry, no one in the US will see this. Lets just
 get through it, get paid, and never come back

And its not just the dancing which makes this talent quest more high school dance than soul train summer boogie down. Put aside all the battle distractions, and essentially you're left with a lamer version of Australia’s Got Talent, with a much smaller budget and worse performers. After years of SYTYCD and AGT, the barrel is well and truly scraped when looking for new dance talent.

The staging of this show is almost as bad as the concept, in what is assumed to be an attempt at a GoGo Disco set, clearly someone raided a dumpster and found the old sets from Now You See It, and then got a group of 14 year olds to make some 'youth' inspired enhancements with green cellophane.

The very things that they have tried to inject into this show to set it apart from others like it, are the very things that make such an epic flop. Dance competitions are a crowded genre, but maybe this show could have had legs if it had just been normal, but all the hoopla, balling and shouting make it fake, painful and low rent. One week on air and its already moved time slot on its way to oblivion. Did anyone NOT see this coming? It'll be lucky to make Channel 11.

Why can't networks realise that shows run their course, and when they're done, they're done. Dance was done with SYTYCD's last episode. Next we'll hear they're bringing back Big Brother ;-)