Here it is. Australian TV Night of Nights. The Glitz. The Glam. The Gold. The C List. The Logies.
Starting off on the red carpet.
First up we see One Direction playing probably their most glamorous venue to date - the Crown car park. There's some hairstyles going on with those boys!
There's an an interview with Hamish and Andy about Hamish's Gold nomination, and Andy has never looked more out of place. Can these guys not be interviewed separately? The awkwardness was cringe-worthy. Andy's discomfort in being there is palpable. When Hamish jokes about making Andy his slave, Andy's gritted teeth turned into fangs behind his forced smile.
Next up was Sonia Kruger interviewing Alex Dimitriadis. It seems as though Sonia really doesn't like Dimi for some reason. Her comment "not many people know you are a great actor" doesn't go down well with Dimi. Undeterred, she follows it up with "you've done a lot of charity work, appearing on the ABC". Whack! Or should I say Slap! Dimi is not happy.
The Chaser 'Boys' are interviewed by Shane Crawford. They try to stir up trouble by joking about Fevola's drunken antics at the Brownlow. But they missed the mark by a long way, and Crawford easily deflects their numerous attempts at high-brow hilarity. Considering the Fev incident was back in 2009, it was more than a little desperate. These guys are as relevant as VHS.
Bring on the awards.
The show opens with Flo Rida belting out some nu hip hop. Sonia Kruger was seen dancing around like one of the hyper excited teens outside watching One Direction. Its not lost on Adam Hills who later mentions "No matter what channel you're on, you're still dancing with the stars"
Adam Hills opens and immediately abuses everyone, the Wiggles, Kony2012, Gina Rienhart, and Sonia. he mentions that there is no host tonight, "because no one wants to host the Logies". He has a big crack at channels 10's The Shire - "can we stop celebrating idiots on TV. I grew up in the Shire with some really talented people and none of them will be on this show".
To the raised eyebrows hes says "What are they gonna do, NOT give me the Gold Logie?" Good start to the ceremony!
Its time for the first award. Asher Keddie wins Most Popular Actress, and bores everyone with a long winded and tiring speech about the biz in which she thanks a cast of thousands. Pity none of her people have helped her grow a personality.
The next award is for Most Popular Actor, and Dimi returns to present it, still looking pissed about Sonia's backhanders from the red carpet. Sally from Home & Away is his co presenter, and tries to lighten him up by saying that he may win an award, at which point steam can be seen coming out of Dimi's ears. The nominations of course are mostly from Packed to the Rafters, but Daniel McPherson gets a nod for his role on Wild Boys? How the hell did that happen? That show was terrible and lasted 5 minutes. Hugh Sheridan wins and claims that he didn't think he'd win. No one buys it.
Its time for Most Popular Light Entertainment, and continuing the success of the failures, Hamish and Andy's Gap Year wins. What? Unbelievable. A show that completely bombed and got axed because it was rubbish and nobody watched it. This is farcical, even for the Logies. Even Hamish and Andy seem embarrassed to win, and so they should be.
Time for an ad break. In the space of a few awful minutes, we see just how bad Channel 9's lineup really is. The Hamish and Andy farce continues with a new series of Hamish and Andy's Gap Year. Clearly this was contracted prior to their New York microsecond. The Voice claims to have the biggest television event of the year; there's an ad for Patti Newton on The Apprentice; and to top it all off, there's a new romantic comedy film coming out with that fat idiot from How I Met Your Mother. Looks like we're in for some terrible entertainment coming up.
Back to the Logies and the next award is being presented by a plastered Julia Morris and Manu the French guy. The obligatory jokes about his accent follow. They present the award for the Most Popular Show in Bondi. The Lifesavers win it over the vet. Following on from the undecipherable accents theme, the award is received by someone who yells in some kind of drawl that sounds like a kind of English. I think he speaking Straaaayan?
Best Reality Show. The Block takes the win. Shelly Craft falls on her way up the stairs, but beats everyone to the punch by saying "there's a funniest home video" Damn, I was going to use that line! The acceptance speech is an unashamed promotion for the 2012 series of the show. The hosts are accompanied by a bunch of no-name bogans who one can only assume were the contestants, and who are the only people that have to go back to their day jobs tomorrow.
After what already seems like the 20th ad break, we're back and the cross promotion doesn't let up with Delta Goodrum being introduced as 'Host of The Voice, 7.30 pm on Channel 9' before belting out a tune in front of a wind tunnel.
Oh no, the lads are back. Hamish and Andy are on and are trying to crack some self deprecating humour of "we can't believe they're letting us be on TV". Just doesn't work when you're nominated for the Gold, and have already won a Logie tonight. After trying to perform their comedy monstrosity for a while, we find out they are actually there to present an award. And its for Most Popular Sports Program. I guess they had to fit 'the lads' somewhere, after all, Channel 9 has another 'Gap Year' they need to promote. The award is won by the AFL grand Final, which beats out all the footy shows. Weird award. 4 sports entertainment shows against the Grand Final.
And now its the Logie for Most Outstanding Sports Coverage? Isn't that where the AFL Grand Final should be? Anyway, enough about the awards, Hamish and Andy go back to their boring and unending jokes for another few minutes. The fake laughter from the audience is bordering on patronising. The time limits for acceptance speeches should be extended to unfunny hosts. All the the nominations in this category are for actual sports, so again, why is the AFL Grand Final not in this category? The NRL State of Origin gets the win.
Next up is the Most Popular Presenter. This is basically a preview for the Gold Logie as most of the nominees are in this category. The clip for Bickmore goes for 20 seconds, and it shows her talking about being a mother. Seriously, has she EVER not made a conversation about her kid or herself? Ever? Geez. Adam Hills wins, which thankfully means Hamish and Bickmore didn't. Adam seemed genuinely excited and surprised to win. Its refreshing to see.
Next up is the Most Outstanding Children's Program. Clearly an award no one cares about at all. Funnily enough it was presented by the Yellow Wiggle who was recently sacked. One can only assume that the real Wiggles have a contract with channel 7.
Next Molly Meldrum was inducted to the Hall Of Fame, and it was a really nice tribute to him. When Delta read out her tribute, she looked nervous, and had to stop to check her cue cards a few times, which to me, shows how much she respects Molly. Class moments are few and far between tonight, but this has been one of them.
Back to the ads, and we're instantly taken back to the the sorry state of Aussie TV with a promotion for the Beaconsfield Mine Mini Series. Its has all the usual merry go round Aussie actors and already looks cliched and overacted like all made-for-TV 'world premieres' before it.
Oh no, Rove's back on our TVs! He crosses a few times to the One Direction kids who look completely bored. He's presenting the award for Most Outstanding New Talent. Its won by Chelsie Preston-Crayford from Underbelly Razor. A well deserved win. I hope her career goes far, and far away from Offspring or Winners and Losers.
Next up is Most Popular New Male Talent. New is right, but popular I'm not so sure, because I've never heard of any of the nominees. Some guy from Home and Away won it. Or maybe he was from Winners and Losers. Meh.
Back to the awards that no one cares about is the Most Outstanding Factual Program. Its won by Go Back to Where You Came From. Which is ironic, as this show about inbred racist bogans was so contrived and scripted, that it is to factual what Today Tonight is to good journalism.
Whoops! Its 10pm, the show is only half way through and, and the news over on Twitter is that the Herald Sun accidentally reported that Hamish won the Gold. Whoops!! And noooooooooooooooooooo.....
Best part about the article above, is that it also names Hamish as the winner, and its from Ninemsn.com, the host broadcaster... In the true style of Channel 9, someone will be getting boned tomorrow!
Its time for Most Popular New Female Talent. Its presented by One Direction who still look bored and is won by one of the Winners and Losers.
Steven Curry is presenting Most Outstanding Actor, and is painfully trying to get laughs by joking about the fact he wasn't nominated. Its not funny and goes on forever. Hamish and Andy would be proud of this performance. Its clear he's just trying to extend his own airtime, but I do detect a little bit of genuine resentment behind his false disappointment. The award is finally won by some guy no one knows who played Kerry Packer.
Geez this ceremony is going forever. Why don't they show it live? So many ads, and the 'Logies Minutes' are pointless. I'm so tired of this stupid 'Hyandai Uncensored' ad.
Most Outstanding News Coverage Award. Won by Queensland floods. Yep, fine.
Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report. Where's Today Tonight and A Current Affair in the nominations? Surely their heavy hitting stories that 'every Australian must watch' about the price of carrots at Coles, how your toothbrush can kill you, Local Councils gone mad, or some kid with ADHD should have been recognised for such brilliant and important journalism? The award is won by Four Corners.
Tony Bennett is up on stage and singing The Lady's a Tramp. And he gives everyone in the room a lesson in cool. Gets a standing ovation. He has cool to spare, huge stage presence and is a genuine legend. And he's still a hit with the ladies. Out of nowhere, Ding Dong Drysdale appears on stage to plant a kiss on Mr Bennett! She disappears just as fast. The teenage girls outside gushing over One Direction could take a few lessons from the Ding Dong!
From the sublime to the Logies, we now have the Most Outstanding Actress. Its won by Melissa George. This brings a bit of cred back the Logies, shes a pretty good actress. Evidently she's got better things to do tonight, and isn't there to accept her award.
Back to the awards in boring, its time for Most Popular Lifestyle Program. Its won by Better Homes and Gardens, the show that for years everybody wished would hurry the hell up and finish so the footy could start. This is also the winner for Most Drunk Guy On Stage. One of the co-stars has the drunken grins, the sways and the red eyes. He's only able to stay upright by leaning on Joanna Griggs. He finally manages a loud screech and fist pump while being ushered off stage. He'd been waiting patiently for that one.
Time now for a biggish award - Most Popular Drama. Or it could also be called the Packed to the Rafters Award. No surprises here.
Most Outstanding Light Entertainment. Won by Spics and Speks. Adam Hills is having a great night.
Meanwhile, in real life, the Herald Sun is blaming a technical glitch for their monumental stuff up in announcing the winner of the Gold and spoiling it for everyone. They win the Logie for the Most Monumental Screw Up.
Most Outstanding Drama Miniseries or Telemovie. Boring. Its won by The Slap, I haven't seen it, but how can you make a whole show about a kid getting slapped. Even if you show it in slow motion, how can you get more that 5 minutes out of it?
Its 12.05, I'm bored and want to go to bed, and I'm here watching Toadfish from Neighbours talking about eating Lite N Easy.
Oh thank God, Shaun Micaleff is FINALLY here to present the Gold Logie. Hopefully its awarded before One Direction get up so we don't have to watch them lip-sync.
As already reported by the Herald Spoil, HAMISH WINS GOLD. He gets up and tries to tell some jokes, but the real joke is that he won. Its a little pathetic watching him trying to be funny and having absolutely no graciousness whatsoever. He really hasn't moved on from being the class clown from high school. Channel 9 can be happy with their promotion of him to win at the expense of Karl Stefanovic. Richard Wilkins has mentioned that half the award should belong to Andy, why not just give him the 'competitor' award...
And the night ends with a final performance by One Direction. Who in addition to still looking bored, now look deliriously tired. And unfortunately so are the crowd. There's not enough teenage girls in the audience, and so a lot of pity dancing is going on. Steven Curry goes for some more on-camera time by obnoxiously laying on some ironic hysteria. The only ironic thing here is that while he may mock them, he would sell his soul, his own credibility (if he has any left), and the minuscule talent he has just for 1% of their fame. And before he gets too cocky, he may want to remember that he's watching them perform, and they have no idea he exists.
So this year's Logies are (finally...) all over. And they were bit uneventful. No real memorable highlights, lowlights or fashion misses. More than anything, they felt like one big advertisement for One Direction and all the crap shows Channel 9 has coming up. The highlight of the night was undoubtedly the leak of the Gold Logie winner by the Herald Sun, and their attempted blame shift afterwards. Blame the technology, blame Google, good work!