Get Your Pre Game On

Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Someone's hit the moral panic alarm again! Forget the Mayan calendar doomsday, if you believe these latest boffins the end of the world is already nigh. This time the rotation of panic has gone back to alcohol – just in time to ruin your festive season!

People drink too much, alcohol causes violence, yada yada. Please tell us something new. This is not news, it's not a study, it's something everybody already knows, and has known for centuries. This time they've tried to angle the tired old story on what they're calling a new culture in drinking - Pre Loading. One of the classic hallmarks of a moral panic – bring up something that has been going on forever, and claim it as something new to scare the gullible masses.

'Pre Loading' New Culture in Alcohol

Pre loading a NEW culture?? In what world? Also known as Pre Gaming, Pre Drinks, PDs, Travellers or even Prinks, it's been around for years. Ever since an 18 year old with no cash got the night started at his mate's place with a bottle of Highland Queen for $20 rather than pay $9 a shot, pre gaming has been a staple of a night out.

Pregaming
Getting drunk or generally intoxicated before a party or social event regardless if there will be alcohol or other substances available at said event.
Dooder 1: Hay bro why you drinkin that nasty ass Icehouse?
Dooder 2: Just pregaming brah

So why has this study come out now? And why is the target Pre Gaming? Maybe the Professor who authored the study is just pissed because too many of his students are showing up to his classes trashed...

Pregame

Drinking prior to an event, usually a party, but often a college course or lecture
In order to avoid the boredom of Prof Nemitz’s lecture again, we pregamed FME

Reading on in the article, it's evident that Pre Loading has nothing do to with anything. This study is just another run of the mill 'alcohol is bad' and 'let us control every aspect of your life while taxing you for it' moral panic inducing exposé by the permanently outraged. These types of studies achieve nothing and help no one. Their recycled recommendations are so uninspired that its doubtful that even the authors believe them:

Increasing the price of alcohol sold in liquor stores by introducing a levy on packaged drinks would curb the problem

Put up the price of alcohol – please, that's been done before to no avail. Overpriced pre-mixed drink anyone? Australia already pays more for drinks than anywhere else.

The study also recommended restricting trading hours across all venues

Great idea. Maybe they should get some consultants in from the 1920s to see how they dealt with the 6 o'clock swill?

It seems the whole agenda of these Professors and their studies is to get their name in the news and further what I can only assume is their goal of a Totalitarian Nanny State. What's next? Why don't they recommend banning alcohol altogether? And while they're at it, ban coffee, sugar, Maccas, driving to work, watching TV and anything else they don't agree with. Would that make them happy? Because no one else would be!

''We spent a lot of time trying to think of other ways to deal with pre-drinking and simply couldn't,'' Associate Professor Miller said.

You and your meddling study bores aren't invited to my pre game party either, Professor.

As always, it's up to the readers' comments to add some common sense...

But it was just a joke...

Another radio duo, another tired and unfunny prank. Nothing new to see here. But the tragic outcome was a long time coming, it was inevitable that at some stage a joke would miss the mark and hurt someone.

It was a cheap and tasteless hoax – to try and get private information about a sick pregnant lady in hospital, whether she is famous or not. Were they hoping to find out intimate details of Kate’s morning sickness for the enjoyment of radio listeners? Tasteless yes, but its hardly any worse than the cheap stunts that other zany radio duos have done for decades. Other popular 'comedians' such as Hamish and Hamish and The Chaser roll out this rubbish 10 times over. In the absence of good comedy, they all rely on making fun of the public in childish pranks or skits, and assume that it will all be laughed off when its done. And 99% of the time, it is.

But, the 1% has to occur at some stage, and this time, it’s happened to the DJs at 2Day FM. You could call it bad luck, or call it unexpected, but the reality is that you can never know how people will react to your actions. And now, not only has a nurse on the other side of the world been pushed to end her life, but the two radio DJs’ careers are over, and their lives changed for ever. There was no malice in the call; it was just a bit of stupidity. The DJs aren’t bad people, and most definitely shouldn’t be getting death threats. But nonetheless, The DJs and 2Day FM took a risk for some laughs, and it ended badly.

When you play a joke on someone you don’t know, you cannot know what effect it will have on them, you don’t know their state of mind or their background. The DJs have stated over and over that “it was just a stupid joke, we didn’t expect it to go that far”. No doubt this is true, but its the same plight of workplace and schoolyard bullies - “it was just a bit of fun”. That defence doesn’t stand up anymore. Bullying and harassment are no longer accepted in the community and excuses don’t cut it. The outcomes of bullying cases are well documented, and the worst have ended in the victims taking their own lives, exactly what has happened here. And now the DJs and 2Day FM have to be accountable for their actions, regardless of their intent.

Celebs are used to all their private details being aired in the media. In this year alone, the Royal family has been no stranger to their indiscretions going worldwide – from Harry getting crazy in Vegas, to Kate being snapped topless in France. It goes with the territory of being a famous Royal. They would get hoax calls every day, and they are chased by paparazzi and iPhones alike at every corner. And so they are used to it, and they have the support, the power, the publicists and the people to help them deal with it. But the target of this prank was not William and Kate, it wasn’t on the Royal family, or anyone remotely famous. The target of the prank was an anonymous, unknown, non media-savvy hospital worker who happened to answer the phone. She did not know how to deal with the call, and most definitely did not have the ability to deal with the global fallout.

The hoax call was only ever going to end badly for the victim. There was never going to be a scenario where the victim would have a laugh and say “they got me”. Its understandable that the outcome was unexpected, but at the very least, the victim of the prank would be in serious trouble at their workplace, and would most likely lose their job. After all, they had made a serious error by giving away private information about a high profile patient, surely a breach of hospital privacy. the DJ’s knew this, as did the Producers and whoever else approved airing the call at 2Day FM.

This was NEVER going to be a victimless prank, and the radio station made the conscious decision to play the call anyway. They now face the consequences if their actions.

The ARIA Awards 2012

It's almost time for the 2012 Arias. Will they live up to the infamy of the 2010 ARIA Awards?

Once again the list of nominees is baffling. The big question that jumps out in all categories is WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Is this a local battle of the bands, or are these the biggest acts in the country?

Every year an artist emerges from the Breakthrough Artist category to have nominations in pretty much every other award, which would seemingly make them the biggest Australian music act of the year. But every year, the artist is more obscure than the last, which is funny in an industry driven by popularity. Last year it was Boy and Bear, and this year it's an artist known only as 360.

Breakthrough Artist - Release
360 – Falling & Flying
Alpine – A Is For Alpine
Lanie Lane – To The Horses
Matt Corby – Brother
San Cisco – Awkward

Is it a good thing? Or does it point to lack of consistent talent – evidently none of them have the ability to stick around long enough for an invite to next year's awards. And mostly people have never heard of them, before or after the awards, and whether or not they win.

That's not the only oddity in the Album of the Year category this year… The baffling continues…

Album of the Year
360 – Falling & Flying
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Missy Higgins – The Ol' Razzle Dazzle
The Jezabels – Prisoner
The Temper Trap – The Temper Trap

Missy Higgins? Is she still around? Her nomination is for both Album of the Year and best Adult Contemporary. Wow. Is Australia's music taste is that bland that adult contemporary is actually popular? Is the soundtrack to parties and road trips around the country… adult contemporary? Does everyone wear chinos and eat cucumber sandwiches as well? Razzle Dazzle indeed.

And what about the Jezabels… They're also up for best Independent Release. What does that mean? How can the biggest album of the year also be an independent release? Isn't the definition of an independent release mean it's a small, localised release? That's a lot of km's around the country in the old Kombi Van…

And as for the other categories, the confusion continues.

Best Male Artist
360 – Falling & Flying
Angus Stone – Broken Brights
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Guy Sebastian – Battle Scars
Keith Urban – For You
Matt Corby – Into The Flame

Keith Urban is up for Best Male Artist, which is strange because he's not up for any country awards or any other awards. No doubt the guy is a legit big deal in the country scene, but if he hasn't released any albums or singles recently, how is he Best Male Artist? Does going on a TV show count? Is it that ARIA hasn't announced the award for best musician in a TV show as yet?

As for the rest of the categories, they're all full of surprises as expected. Blues and Roots should also be known as the award for 'We Don’t Know to Put Them' – I wonder if they just had a spare table at the ceremony to fill? Over in the 'Are They Still Alive' category, Cold Chisel are up for two awards, and Frenzal Rhomb are in there too. The other categories are filled with the usual mix of reality TV show contestants, and groups who you could swear ARIA just made up for the hell of it.

So what will be the story of the 2012 ARIAs? Which new group will emerge and disappear just as quick? Does anyone even know or care that they are on, now that they're on Channel Go?

Worlds Most Liveable City?

Once again all the news is about Melbourne getting bigger, and about the inevitable failure of infrastructure thanks to the do-nothing State Government. And of course, rather than the news being about what it'll be like to live in the Melbourne of the future, its about Melbourne possibly losing the title of World's Most Liveable City. God Forbid!

One of the worst things ever to happen to Melbourne is this ridiculous title of World's Most Liveable City. It's a dubious honour which means nothing at all to the people that actually live here. In fact the only people it does mean something to are the dopey State Government who have found themselves in charge of the state. The problem is that every time Melbourne is lauded with this title, the state politicians give themselves a pat on the back, and stick with their business as usual of walking around with their hands over their ears, and doing absolutely nothing. Why do work when there are lunches to be eaten and overseas junkets to go on?

Every time I see this stupid title, I’m reminded of the slogan on the fat guy's T-shirt on that Fat Boy Slim Album – I'm Number One So Why Try Harder. Seems like the state politicians have grabbed onto this mantra with both hands. Why would they be distracted by Melbourne's problems – The decaying mess of public transport, corrupt and incompetent councils drunk on their own power, urban sprawl creating suburban wastelands as far as the eye can see, the mistake that is docklands – when they have the tag of World's Most Liveable City to chirp about every time someone challenges them?

"Mr Premier, what do have to say about the fact the train network hasn't been upgraded in 40 years?"

"Worlds Most Liveable City. No further questions."

And doesn't the Government love it. Every time this silly award is announced, whichever flog is Premier at the time stands there grinning like a Cheshire cat accepting praise for something he has done nothing at all to deserve. You can almost hear his thoughts "this should keep the stupid voters distracted and happy for another few months – can't believe I've done no work for the past 3 years"

The more you look into this award, the more irrelevant it becomes. To begin with, the rankings are about how much hardship allowance that companies have to pay their expats to come and live here. A goal worth striving for – "Melbourne is such a great city that hardship allowance is not required for expats to live here" Woah, way to reach for the stars there... And secondly, it seems to exclusively include only Australian and Canadian cities. Which leads me to think that the award has more to do with the stability of the country that it does with the liveability of the city. "Australia and Canada's Most Liveable City" is a more appropriate title.

Why any Melbourne resident should give a hoot that their city is more desirable to live in than any other city (which they don't live in) is beyond me. If Vancouver becomes the crime capital of the world, what difference would that make to Melbourne? Who cares how much or how little companies have to pay their expats to come and live here? The real question – forget about what other cities are doing - is what does Melbourne have to do to improve? And whats being done to make these improvements? And of course the competitive juices come out – we're better than Sydney, we're better than Helsinki. Who cares? Different cities, with different priorities and challenges. Comparing Melbourne against other cities means nothing. I can run faster than an 80 year old, I'm stronger than a 10 year old. Does that make me an elite athlete?

So whoever gives out these stupid awards – please stop including Melbourne. It just gives our lazy State Government more of an excuse to do nothing. Melbourne is a great city, but just like Fat Boy Slim, the more the Government believe they're number one, the less they try. And our Government works at a sedentary pace already, any less work and they won't even bother to get out of bed.

Beauty And The Geek

What is it about Beauty and the Geek?

The premise of the show is possibly the most contrived of all the reality shows on TV. It has all the fakeness, fluff and over the top stereotyped gender roles to give it express entry into the trash pile of failed Aussie reality misses.

But somehow, instead of floundering, it flourishes.

SURPRISE! People watch!

Channel 7 has stumbled upon a winning formula which sees people who would normally prefer to throw their TV out the window than watch this kind of show, switching on in droves. And no one finds this more surprising than the fans themselves. Twitter and Facebook are awash with posts from perplexed fans who can't understand why they are hooked, but are happy to share their guilty pleasure with the world.

Maybe it's the so-bad-its-good factor, maybe it's the chance to laugh at the social graces of nerds and bimbos. Of course, there's the ever reliable audience of teenage boys hoping to catch a glimpse of some forbidden flesh of the beauties that made it past the editing table. But the rest of the audience? Who knows?

BATG is billed as the ultimate social experiment, but the outcomes are as predicable as clockwork, and it is anything but an experiment. The thinly veiled disguise that BATG is a self improvement show about Geeks coming out of their shells, or Beauties learning to be real people doesn't fool anyone. No doubt its an easier sell to the network execs who still believe they haven't stooped to the depths of The Shire or Big Brother to entice viewers and advertisers. But the rest of us know that this show has about as much to do with genuine human growth and as a company outsourcing their call center to a robot in India… but Channel 7 are happy with that, and evidently, so are the fans.

Its clear that BATG is to reality what a Bangkok market is to Louis Vuitton – a genuine fake. More time was probably spent on cultivating the Geeks' bad hair and Revenge of the Nerds dress style to get them ready for the show than it was to cast them in the first place. We know the Beauties are hamming it up for their next FHM photo shoot, and we know that the Geeks are probably hipsters who were previously extras on Neighbours. No one watches BATG thinking the outcomes will stick or any of the characters are real. And its not sold that way by Channel 7. The same can't be said for other reality love-match shows which actually claim to be more. The Farmer Wants a Wife claims to be about people falling in love on the farm, where it's really about city chicks looking to get their head on TV to start their modelling careers, and farmers who are just up for a quick shag.

Probably one of the best episodes of BATG is the Geek makeover. Once the pony tails and glasses are removed, a surprising number of Geeks amazingly have ready-made six packs, good looks, and a curious confidence that was never there before. Just in time to make them attractive to the Beauties for some fireworks in the final half of the series! Hmmm… Just like watching a B grade action movie where the aim of the game is to see the guy inside the mechanical dinosaur, the makeover show is all about seeing which Geeks are really geeks, and which are ring-ins from a casting agency.

Does this beard make a more believable Geek?

Another win for BATG is that Channel 7 has managed to resist screening it every night, a lesson they could have used over Australia's Got Talent, which died a painful but relieving death of over saturation. Maybe Channel 10 should take this lesson on as well; their textbook killing-by-saturation of the once funny Modern Family is a joke in itself. At last count it was on 8 nights a week. Maybe the low profile time-slot and advertising for BATG is also something that makes people less judgmental about people who watch it. There is no unavoidable bombardment advertising like there was for The Shire and Bingle, which, even if you were a closet fan, there's no way you'd share it with your besties on Facebook.

Whatever it is, Beauty and the Geek has the looks and the smarts. Lets just hope Channel 7 doesn't try to do a make over…

Who knows, sometimes the tackiest, most over the top and fantastically plastic things can become classics…

No Angel

I've always liked Melissa George...

MG at the 2012 BAFTAs. 2012, not
 1994, nothing to do with H&A.

She's always had something that most of her peers in the Aussie TV game just don't have. Mostly its talent. Starting on Home & Away, she had all the potential to run the predictable route of bouncing from show to show before ending up on All Saints. But instead, she broke the shackles of the Aussie Police and Hospital drama circuit for bigger and better things overseas. Her beginnings on H&A are a distant memory.

So this week, Melissa found herself back on Channel 7's The Morning Show to promote her latest project, 'Hunted'. Only someone forgot to tell Channel 7 why she was there, and seeing a golden opportunity for some shameless self promotion, they decided to ignore most of her career and focus on her time on H&A, even though Angel left Summer Bay 16 years ago. And MG was p!ssed, and rightly so. I would be too if I was introduced as myself from 20 years ago: "And here is some dorky kid who wears ill fitting Cross Colours Skivvies and who got rejected by the girl at the Blue Light Disco on the weekend because he sneezed and tripped over while talking to her".

Melissa could have returned fire to Larry Emdur for the Price Is Right, but that wouldn't have hit the mark, as he is still very much living those glory days of 20 years ago. So instead of suffering the fools at Channel 7, she's let them know what she thinks:

"Now, it's because it's Channel Seven, so my next call will be to Home and Away to ask them to pay me because nobody does more promotion for that f---ing show than me."'

I love this woman!

Its refreshing to hear someone break rank form the normal rubbish of playing down every achievement, and playing the humble Aussie battler card. God forbid she's successful overseas. Why should she have to talk only of her experience in the local TV industry? It seems more and more that all variety TV is just a promo for the network's crap shows, at the expense of discussing anything topical. Hello The Project, and all the Sunday night current affairs shows.

''I've never spoken out about it because I have to be the loyal good Aussie, who goes away and comes home. But I'm a really hard-working woman and people have to respect me for what I've done,''

Isn't there plenty of other stuff in her career to talk about - Alias, Friends and Grey's Anatomy, to name a few? Much bigger feathers in her cap than H&A. And of course there's no forgetting that she was in one of the most brilliant and best films ever… Dark City

Would anyone want to hear Kylie talk only of her time on the Henderson Kids at the expense of her 25 year music career? Instead of celebrating the successes that sporting superstars have had at the top level, does anyone only want to know about their achievements in the under 10's?

''I don't need credibility from my country any more, I just need them all to be quiet. If they have nothing intelligent to say, please don't speak to me any more. I'd rather be having a croissant and a little espresso in Paris or walking my French bulldog in New York City”

You and me both MG!

I like Melissa George even more now!

Check out the article here:
http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/tv-and-radio/just-dont-call-me-angel-20121110-294uq.html



And just for the memories, The Henderson Kids...

Renovate At Your Children’s Peril

Someone please think of the children!!!

It must be a difficult job to be a parent. Not only do you have to raise your child as best you can, you also have to put up with all manner of studies, reports, advice, trends and media coverage which all tell you what a terrible job you’re doing.

And each report is more convoluted and obscure that the last. The latest to come out is that home renovations make your kid dumb. So forget about adding that new bedroom, seems your kid is better off sleeping in a tent out the back garden. 100 thousand kids are stupid they say, thanks to lead poisoning. Want a bigger house? Pity it'll make the kids as dumb as the very bricks supporting their new bedroom.

No heating, but your kids will be smart

There is no question that lead is toxic, but what is this study saying? What should the parents be doing? Don't renovate the house? Don't live in the city? Don't live in a house at all? Sounds like some more scaremongering, with no new information, no solutions, and no real point. Just like the toxic sugar crisis back in February (I still don't know how we survived that one), living your life is a dangerous and deadly activity!

In trying to make sense of the study, its apparent that its just statistics from the USA, overlaid onto the Australian population. No tests done on Australian kids, whether or not they live in a renovated house, with or without lead. Maybe I've been exposed to too much lead when I was a kid, but to use that classic 3rd grade kid comment, "I don't get it". By the same stats, if you said that if 50% of Americans are overweight, does that then mean 11 million Aussies are overweight? What about if 10% of Americans speak Spanish, can we then say 2.2 million Aussies also hablan español?

And what does any of it have to do with home renovations?

Further on in the article  its also mentioned that "A million kids losing a million IQ points - that's a lot of IQ down the drain". Now I'm not sure how scientific these figures are – but is one IQ point really that much for an individual? Wouldn't there be a deviation, depending on what the kid had for breakfast, or whether a distracting bird flew past the window during the test? And how did we go from 100 thousand kids to 1 million kids in the in the space of nine sentences? To make it even more confusing, at the end of the article, its said "We can only guess how many children and adults are suffering from high blood-lead levels that are impacting on their health". What? How did I get so lost? How many kids are there – first 100 thousand, then 1 million, and now you're saying you don't know? Must be that lead messing with my brain smarts again, God dang it.

Of course none of this has anything at all to do with home renovations. In fact, by the 2nd sentence of the article, the whole 'home renovation' angle of this story is completely forgotten. I guess they have to hype up the story - lead being toxic isn't exactly breaking news. And what better way to whip up a bit of a frenzy than an alarmist headline that has found yet another reason that parents are screwing up their kids!

Thanks My Friend

Sometimes I’m asked why started this Blog…

I seem to have many (generally one sided) in-depth conversations about the TV and celeb world, and these conversations seamlessly write themselves into my blog posts. And mostly, the key instigator and partner in these conversations has been my good friend PT.  Hours were spent at the lunchtime table discussing all manner of trashy TV, at the expense of getting work done. With brilliant humour, impeccable timing and limitless knowledge, PT had the back story to every D Grade celeb, and nothing happened in the entertainment world which went unnoticed by Pete. From the Brownlow red carpet misses, to hopelessly unknown ARIA nominees, to any other talentless hack that made the news, hours have been spent discussing and laughing about it all.

We also started a List of our favourite tragic D Grade celebs, and number one was PT’s favourite, Rhonda Burchmore. And over the years, the List grew like a perpetual machine, with celebs seemingly throwing themselves into D Grade infamy for unanimous entry onto the List. Almost every Aussie celeb I’ve mentioned in my posts has come from this illustrations and infamous List. The List remains unfinished, and I’ll continue to add names as more celebs reach the level of lame required to hit D Grade status.

Last year PT had got around to starting his own blog, and suggested I should start one too. And last October while I was moving houses, I stayed at PT’s place to mind his cat Rufus, while he was on holidays to New York City. And it was at that time, while watching PT’s Foxtel, that observationinc was born!

I’ll really miss the conversations with PT about the entertainment world, the List, and everything else. PT, I hope that wherever you are you can still read my blog - I’ll be looking out on my audience stats for you.  One of the last things you said to me was that we would catch up again. I look forward to it – There’ll be much to discuss!

PT, thanks for your friendship and inspiration, and a lifetime of laughs. Here is one last look at one of your favourite TV moments...

Melbourne's Kardashian Kaos

When Kim Kardashian recently arrived in Melbourne, there were thousands of over-hyped teens, and more than a few blokes who should know better, all excited to catch a glimpse of the one and only Miss Kim K.

But not everyone was happy she was here. Journos, experts, and social commentators all came out with their pitchforks and their matches, ready to burn her at the stake. But what were her sins, what did she do that was so evil?

Its no secret that the Kardashians are the business of making money, and Kim didn't come to Australia on a humanitarian mission of goodwill. Was it news to anyone that she came here on a promotional tour? of course it wasn't, so why the outrage? People want to see her because she is stylish, beautiful, and cool. And she delivered on every level.

There was one particularly nasty article in The Age which reeked of a reporter who thought he was far too good to be there. As is unfortunately all too common here in Aus, the Tall Poppy Syndrome came out in full force, and it was self righteously ugly.

There were the customary swipes about having to provide questions to her Publicist before the interview. But why wouldn't this be the case? With reporters baying for blood and controversy at every turn, wouldn't it be negligent for any Publicist not to screen the questions? And don't all celebs screen their questions? Even politicians do. The tone of the interview is the very reason why its required!

Then there were the 'lets show how stupid you are' questions about politics, legal proceedings and the Mars Rover. Kim isn't here for her thoughts on politics, court cases and space, so why ask? Why does she have to prove herself on this stuff? Whether or not she knows or cares what the answers are, she is not claiming to be a political activist or scientist. Its painfully clear the purpose of these questions were an attempt to show her as a dumb pretty celeb. 

Why didn’t anyone ask the Olympians about their political or legal views?

The Australian media is always so quick to cut down big celebrities who don't measure up to their lofty standards. Its as though they have a chip on their shoulder because the celeb is too beautiful, or not wholesome enough. Of course, this isn't the first time an international star has had to put up with this.

Who could forget David Beckham's visit to Aus a few years back. He did everything 'right' - visited kids in hospitals, posed in photos, signed autographs - way more than 99% of the population has ever done. And that is not to mention the great game of football he played. He put on a show for the fans, bent it like Beckham to score a superb goal, he was entertaining, and the fans loved it.

But of course, this just wasn't good enough for some areas of the media, especially those TV channels who didn't have the rights to the match. How could this foreigner with all his money, fame, and good looks actually be a good and likable guy?

So the story was run that he snubbed some kids at the airport. Obviously there was no mention that security whisked him into his hotel before he knew the plane had landed. Anything for a bit of controversy, and the more negative the better. The media had found an open wound and were going in for the kill, using children as weapons. But unfortunately for the blood thirsty journos, Becks found out about it all, and those same kids were invited to the match, and got to meet their hero after all. And funnily enough, the same media outlets that had championed the cause of these children had slinked away nowhere to be seen.

Its a sad state that not only is it ok, but its almost expected for reporters to demean international celebs who are beautiful and successful. You get the feeling that these reporters think they are speaking for us all.

But the the reality is, they wouldn't be celebs if no one liked them. No one waits at the airport, the red carpet or buys tickets to see a celebrity they hate.

Come back soon Kim!

Big Cats On The Prowl

Some important work going on over at the Department of Sustainability and Environment:

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/sorry-but-there-are-no-big-cats-out-there-20120918-263yy.html

There are almost certainly no pumas, leopards, jaguars or cougars roaming regional Victoria, a state government study has found.

"We can't say 100 per cent there are no big cats in Victoria but we can say it is highly unlikely," Department of Sustainability and Environment zoologist Peter Menkhorst said on Tuesday.

What was the purpose of such a study? Are these legendary Big Cats a problem to anyone? Does this mean a study is also now required to rule out the existence of bunyips and drop bears?

Surely they didn't think they'd actually be able to CONFIRM the existence of the Big Cats? And if they did confirm the cats don't exist, does anyone think that would stop the people who claim to have seen them - the kooks, the crazies and the conspiracy theorists?

I hate to think of the amount of time, resources and efforts were wasted on this study, which couldn't even make a definitive conclusion. Good to see the State has money to burn!

His survey of about a century's worth of anecdotal evidence alleging big cats exist in Victoria has concluded it is highly unlikely

Highly unlikely? Way to commit to your work! Surely all it takes is bit of common sense to rule out the Big Cats?

But thankfully, common sense doesn't prevail, and thankfully, the 'experts' can't confirm that there are no Big Cats prowling the Victorian bush.

Because why would anyone want to deny such a great urban legend?

How would older siblings scare their younger brothers and sisters on camping holidays if there are no more black pumas prowling the night looking for campers to snack on?

"It probably is dogs or foxes or pigs or known predators, " Mr Menkhorst said.

Pigs? Dogs? How are you going to tell a decent scary campfire story about killer PIGS?

There’s probably no Bigfoot or Lochness Monster either. But who wants to believe it?

Agriculture Minister Peter Walsh said the study concluded the most obvious explanation for the reported sightings of big cats over the years was that they were large, feral cats

Pfft – large feral cats – Its a Puma. And always will be.

The Real House Husbands of...

After the bombardment of ads during the Olympics which were only slightly less annoying than the commentary itself, Channel 9’s post Olympic schedule has barely raised a mention.

From Underbelly: Yet Again, which may or may not have made it to its final episode; to Big Brother which is now just a Gold Coast share house of bored people, as surely the cameras have been turned off by now; and finally to House Husbands, which has already merged into the mashed up memory of mundane Aussie dramas that went nowhere.

House Husbands has been advertised as:

 "A fresh and dynamic look at Australian family life, with a very modern twist" 

A dubious quote, as I don't know how the adjective 'fresh' can be used to describe an Aussie drama about the boredom of suburban living, with the same old plots, seen a thousand times, brought to life by a cast of tired faces we've seen a thousand more times. Once again we have yet another version of a show about ‘Ordinary People, Everyday Problems’.

As for the 'modern twist', whoa, how progressive, men looking after their kids. Way to get out there Channel 9. The House Husbands seem to be a cross between the bumbling men in those ridiculously sexist ads, who display the intelligence of a slug as they try to find the yogurt in the fridge, or somehow successfully cook a frozen meal that is so easy, even DAD can cook it; and the lazy slob Dads of the painful American sitcoms in the 'Fat Man, Hot Wife' genre, where they just want to watch car racing while being belittled by their sassy wives and smart ass kids. Think 'According to Jim', 'Home Improvement', and the big daddy of them all - 'Everybody Loves Raymond'.

As is standard with Aussie TV, the show is full of the familiar faces you don't want to see again. Not daring to stray too far from their comfort zone, Channel Underbelly 9 has cast two of the main characters from the alumni of Underbelly has beens. They've clearly run out of cop shows to put them in. On top of that, we also get to see Gary Sweet As in his latest attempt to keep his Aussie larrikin persona going. The biggest question here is how does this show try to pass him off as one of the kids' fathers? Maybe as the father of one of the other Dads?

House Husbands gives us a gaggle of forgettable-but-déjà-vu story lines, including hapless husbands braving the after-school pick up, and weary wives being over their jobs. How much mileage can they get out of these mundane situations? I cant wait for the episode where Gary Sweet As does the ironing, or when the guy from Underbelly takes the kids to the supermarket to get milk, but sneaks a packet of Twisties without the wife finding out (maybe they could rip off that ad where the Dad is so stupid he can't even pick the right brand of bread for his high maintenance family). Nothing like watching TV about people doing the boring tasks that you are avoiding doing yourself by watching TV.

In this week's episode Mittens
gets the ironing done.

And its all confusingly advertised to the soundtrack from Reservoir Dogs. Are the promotions teams at Channel 9 so conditioned to Underbelly that they automatically think every scene in every show has to copy their favourite gangster film?

Its surprising this show has made it this far. That said, its minimal impact matches 9's other attempt at drama – Tricky Business (is that show still on?) Maybe there's something interesting happening in the Big Brother house that Channel 9's writers could use as inspiration?

Puberty Blues = Not So Blue

2012 has been a benchmark year in awful for Australian TV.

From the endless reality lowlights of Everybody Dance Now, Big Brother, Bingle, The Shire, and Excess Baggage, to the drama misses of House Husbands, The cheap ripoff of Sons of Anarchy Bikie Wars, Underbelly 58, and Winners and Losers; it's been nothing but bland predictable failures from go to woe.

But somehow, one drama that was firmly in the category of likely 2012 failures, has miraculously been able to buck the trend. Whether its by blind luck or design, who would have thought that Puberty Blues could actually be popular? When Channel 10 announced a remake of this 1970s film, a collective groan was heard across the country. Are there any new ideas in Australian TV. Any?

Of course, the answer to that question is no...

...But to everyone’s surprise, Puberty Blues is different. It has a hook. A coming of age drama is nothing new, but one set entirely in the 1970s is a surprisingly refreshing idea. Puberty Blues is essentially the typical “ordinary people, everyday problems” scenario that Australian scriptwriters love so dearly, but its the 1970s spin which is a little daring and sets this show apart. More importantly, it shields the writers from showing their ignorance on what real life and real situations are actually like. The nods to the good old simple life in the 70s are quaint, and the language used is timeless. Shut up Moles!

"She's such a Mole"

As is standard with all Aussie dramas, Puberty Blues is a pay cheque for a fair share of Aussie actor has beens. But this is one situation where the recycled actors almost adds to the retro feel of this show, albeit by accident. Although the retro feel has a very 90's flavour with all the hits including McLeod's Daughters, Water Rats, Blue Heelers and Stingers well represented in the CVs of the cast of Aussie washed ups.

Claudia Karvan is the one exception, and is a coup for Puberty Blues. Even though she has done the rounds of Aussie TV, she’s steered clear of the Neighbours, Home & Away, cop show, and hospital drama traps, and doesn't have that same washed up feel of her hack colleagues co stars. How she’s managed this is deserving of a Logie Award in itself. Not to mention she starred in one of the very rare gems of Australian film – The Big Steal. 

The Logie for managing to be an Australian TV actor and NOT
appear on Neighbours and H&A goes to Claudia Karvan.

The other win for this show is that it actually looks like some money has been spent on it to get the 1970s feel. The clothes, the props, they all fit to the 70s. Even the lack of High Def does.

In reality no money has been spent, its just that the budgets of all Aussie TV dramas can only afford used hand-me-down costumes from the 1970s, which have gathered dust since being worn by Molly and Simon on A Country Practice, but in this case it works, as they’ve hit the right era. Its funny how the school uniforms worn in Puberty Blues look exactly the same as those worn by Neighbours and Home & Away characters which are supposedly set 35 years later.

As for the props, is there anything worse than watching an Aussie drama which is set in current times, and seeing the characters boil the kettle on the stove for a cup of coffee, or wash dishes by hand? Does anyone really not have an electric kettle or a dishwasher anymore? You can get electric kettles from Coles for $10! Then again, according to Aussie drama, there is no Coles, all grocery shopping is done at Alf Stewart's corner store.

But once again, this scenario that makes Packed to Rafters look like its filmed in a $2 shop actually works for a show which set in the 1970s. Even the corner store is believable when its the 1970s! I wonder if they sell Big Boss candy cigars.

So it looks like channel 10 have stumbled upon a winning formula. When all the available ideas, dialogue, costumes and props are all decades behind the times, why not set the show to the same era? It'll look more genuine than anything else on TV...

The Shire of Fightin

Ahh the classy characters of The Shire. Making the news for all the expected reasons.

First up, two of the Shire Girls, Sophie and Vernesa, get into a fight with some old friends at a shopping centre. Charming. The old shopping centre fight, the height of class. No word yet whether it was because their old friends snatched the last cherry red lipstick out of the $5 bargain bin before the shire girls could get to it. This was of course jumped on for the exclusive scoop by A Current Affair, who took a rare break from the slander fest with Channel 7 to take a shot at channel 10's finest.

Then came more news of another, ahem, star of The Shire who, after senselessly abusing a stranger on a drunken night, resisted arrest and argued with the cops. This worldwide superstar was heard to yell those epic words:

“Do you know who I am? I’m from the Shire”

Evidently, like the rest of the world, the police didn’t know who he was, and more importantly, didn’t care, and so arrested him anyway. As it turns out, this guy is not even a credited character on The Shire, he is the mate of a peripheral character on the show. Everyone’s a reality star these days.

Another tragic example of the “Do you know who I am?” plight of a deluded reality celeb. So many forgotten reality stars who’s brains have been fried by too many $20 drink cards at suburban nightclubs into actually thinking that their brush with the biz should afford them the status of Prince Harry or Lady Gaga.

But whereas other reality ‘stars’ are mostly harmless vain dimwits, The Shire has lived up to its predictions for being full of violent bullies, racists, homophobes, and just basically nasty conceited people. And Channel 10 is surely uncomfortable promoting these types. Its one thing to poke fun at two girls who’ve botoxed their brains into slush, but how do you promote some violent thug who’s likely next move is to king hit some kid at Maccas at 4am?

No doubt there are sighs of relief behind closed doors at Channel 10 when the ratings come in to show that no one watches The Shire, except maybe its ‘stars’ who are attempting to see if their Southern Cross tatts look as hectic as the street side tattooist in Bali assured them it did.

As The Shire follows Everybody Dance Now and Bingle as overhyped failures, trying to catch a glimpse of the show on its way out is as elusive as finding someone who actually thought it would be a good show in the first place. Shunted from timeslot to timeslot on its way down, it resembles a used lunch wrapper bouncing around the rim of a rubbish bin, before finally and inevitably disappearing down onto Channel 10’s crowded trash pile of 2012 misses.

Don't Tell The Bride. Or Anyone Else For That Matter.

Oh Sally, what have you done? Has Milko been telling you to do bad things again? How could you sign up for such a terrible show?

Oh Milko, I Do

Channel 10's new show, Don't Tell The Bride, goes for the worst of the worst. All men are mouth-breathing caveman idiots, too stupid to give a crap about anything; and all women are bitchy irrational high maintenance bridezillas. Sexist and outdated gender stereotypes, as well as a generous smattering of the urban bogan are the themes here.

The very first introduction sets the scene for this show:

"A show about 'Ordinary Aussie Blokes' taking on the biggest job of their lives"

A rule set in stone in Aussie TV is that as soon as you hear the words "Ordinary Aussie", prepare for a
show about obnoxious bogans acting up for the cameras. We've had The Shire, now Channel 10 follows up with Don't Tell The Bride.

Get ready to laugh at the crushing of the hopes and happiness of young ladies who's imbecile boyfriends organise cheap and tacky wedding days; under the encouragement of their hyperactive friends who are trying to get their faces on TV; and all paid for by Channel 10. Stereotypes, cliches, and more stereotypes.

In the first episode, side splitting hilarity ensues when the groom does such unrealistic man-like things as choose the wedding dress in 8 seconds, and organise the reception at the snow, when his lucky bride-to-be hates the snow. Obviously this sort of conflict is the whole point of the show, but its hard to believe that these decisions are anything close to genuine. Stupidity and manliness aside, would any guy really care that little about the woman he is marrying as to make these types of choices?

Battle of the sexes is a tired and outdated genre.

After watching five minutes of the show, it becomes painfully clear that it is completely exploitative of people who are cash strapped and a little short on brains. A really nasty undertone is evident, and you're left feeling like you've been at a 1980's country circus, watching abused animals being whipped and marginalised people being exploited, all for your entertainment.

Roll up to the greatest show in town.
Laugh and point at people who you are better than.

As low-brow as this show is, and as unlikable as the people on it are, you can't help but feel sorry for them, because its clear they are on the show because they can't afford to pay for their wedding. And Channel 10 is using them so that you, the viewer can laugh at how stupid they are. And Sally's judgemental and condescending narratives just add to the sick feeling of it all.

We'll need one  "Best day ever"
and two "I love you's"

Of course all the episodes end happily, with the bride and guests finally embracing the day. But you can't help but imagine that while the Bride is saying how great her man has done, the producers are behind the cameras waving the contracts which state that there must be some positive comments at the end of the night, or no one gets paid. And once the Producer yells "cut", she goes back to organising the annulment.

The final insult from this show is that it attempts to be genuine and lovey-dovey. It brings up memories of Jerry Springer's 'Final Thoughts' segment where he tried to give some intelligent advice after staging a one hour show about men who want to get a sex change so they can marry their horse.

And finally...

How many guys out there would actually CHOOSE to wear a Homer Simpson tie to their own wedding? Generally, Grooms ALWAYS chose their own attire, and there is never a Homer Simpson or Bugs Bunny tie in sight. Nothing to do with what the bride will or won't allow. Just a bit of self respect.

In fact, ever since they were all the rage for 3 months in 1994, now the only time you see cartoon ties on men over the age of 13, they're on their way to defend themselves at the Shepparton Magistrates court. cartoon ties do go perfectly with the unironed shirt with the folds from the packaging still indented into it.



Don’t tell the Bride? Don’t bother telling anyone. Its already time to divorce this show.

Everybody Dance Now - Like No Ones Watching

Update 21/08 - Gooooone. That was quick!

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/television/tens-everybody-dance-now-gets-the-chop/story-e6frfmyi-1226455173972


Channel 10’s attempt to to reincarnate the dance reality show with Everybody Dance Now resembles the drunk IT guy trying to shake it in on the dance floor at the office Christmas party. Awkward, stumbling and just plain cringe-worthy.

Everybody Dance Now (Or EDN if you're being supercool) uses the very hip-and-now 'Dance Battle' format in an attempt to elevate itself from the already overcrowded and very tired genre of tv dance comps. But the only battle on this show will be the battle to stay on air.

Thoughts of dance battles conjure up scenes of Breakdance crews hustlin' for props from the flygirls on the streets of the Bronx in 1982. But instead, ballers, graffiti gangs and hip hop hustlers are replaced by burlesque, ballet and contemporary dancers. Not really genres of dance you'd think of with dance battling. Trying to bring high kicks and pirouettes to the streets just doesn't fly. Seeing these ‘battles’, you're just left with asking WHY? Looooong way to go before they get the street cred of Cold Crush and Charlie Chase's Wildstyle Basketball Throwdown.

But possibly the most painful part of the show are the team Captains - Jason Derulo and Kelly Rowland. Clearly they were tricked, paid sqillions, or both to show up. Watching them trying to pump up their teams hip hop style with the "give it up y'alls" and the "Yeeeeeahs" after they've stumbled about on the dance floor is embarrassing. Unable to add any cred to the show, they end up sounding like an infomercial, and are up there in tv sales folklore with Mr. T selling the Flavorwave Oven.

If you watch closely enough you’ll notice the sympathetic glances between Kelly and Jason of "Get me the F*** Outta Here!!!"

Don’t worry, no one in the US will see this. Lets just
 get through it, get paid, and never come back

And its not just the dancing which makes this talent quest more high school dance than soul train summer boogie down. Put aside all the battle distractions, and essentially you're left with a lamer version of Australia’s Got Talent, with a much smaller budget and worse performers. After years of SYTYCD and AGT, the barrel is well and truly scraped when looking for new dance talent.

The staging of this show is almost as bad as the concept, in what is assumed to be an attempt at a GoGo Disco set, clearly someone raided a dumpster and found the old sets from Now You See It, and then got a group of 14 year olds to make some 'youth' inspired enhancements with green cellophane.

The very things that they have tried to inject into this show to set it apart from others like it, are the very things that make such an epic flop. Dance competitions are a crowded genre, but maybe this show could have had legs if it had just been normal, but all the hoopla, balling and shouting make it fake, painful and low rent. One week on air and its already moved time slot on its way to oblivion. Did anyone NOT see this coming? It'll be lucky to make Channel 11.

Why can't networks realise that shows run their course, and when they're done, they're done. Dance was done with SYTYCD's last episode. Next we'll hear they're bringing back Big Brother ;-)

Underbelly Badness – The name says it all

If you foolishly tried to watch 9’s bungled Olympic coverage hoping to see some sports, no doubt what you actually saw was a two week advertising blitz about the tv gems that 9 has in store. A show about Kerry Packer and his struggle to sound like Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock; House Husbands - a show about trying to figure out if Gary Sweet As is supposed to be a father or grandfather of toddlers; and the latest instalment in underbelly badness, aptly named Underbelly Badness.

Like a kid who's antics have turned from cute to obnoxiously annoying, or a washed up crooner who just can't accept his time has past, Channel 9 is serving up yet another dose of Underbelly, even though the show's used by date has well and truly expired. Originality and fresh ideas are certainly dead and buried when it comes to Aussie drama. We've already had Bikie Wars (aka Underbelly: Bikie Wars) this year, which was basically seven dragged-out episodes of slow motion scenes and clichés leading up to a shootout of bad acting and wispy student beards in the final episode. So here we go again with the same thing, but different channel.

The main character that Underbelly Badness revolves around was apparently unknown to the police and the public, which basically means that the Underbelly writers can write what ever fiction they like into the 'true story' plot, and no one will know the difference. Add to that the fact that half the real stories won't be able to be shown due to court proceedings, and we're left with eight drawn-out episodes of not much at all. This instalment is said to share the same "underbelly DNA" as all the other series, so expect the usual underbelly trademarks of awkward boob shots, untimely swearing and deadpan voice overs explaining what was just shown.

And the fiction begins with the name – The main character's real life nickname was not Badness, it was Rooster! Underbelly: Rooster hasn't got much of a ring to it, but Badness isn't much better, and it makes the name choice even more bizarre. But even better than that, Rooster's brother's nickname was Undies! How Channel 9 missed the obvious name of Undies-Belly: Rooster is a mystery.

Cock-a-doodle-doo Mutha F***ers

Naturally, this badness will bring the same old faces of those Aussie actors nobody remembers - a who's-who of ex Home & Away, McLeod's Daughters, and Water Rats 'stars'. One character is played by a Bikie Wars alumni, who was asked to help out with the production budget by smuggling across some prop guns and costumes from the set of Bikie Wars; and there is also a returning Underbelly star, as it is assumed that no none will notice that his character has miraculously raised from the underbelly dead.

Plans are already on course for Underbelly 2013. This one will be called Underbelly: Worstest, and will focus on the story of a Brisbane family man who received a speeding fine for doing 65 in a 60 zone.

London's Biggest Whingers

Seriously. How did it get this bad?

Are Australia's Olympians in any way representative of the population? If they are, we're in a lot of trouble.

Never before has there been such a bad bunch of petulant, spoilt whingers. When I'd though I'd said all I could about them in their lead up to London, the news just keeps rolling in. I remember in the Sydney Olympics the media poured scorn and outrage at the over zealous winning celebration by Maurice Green and the US relay team when they won Gold.  They were accused of being bad sportsmen. The arrogance of people who celebrate a win! Geez, fast forward to London 2012, and the behaviour of Australia's athletes - NOW we have seen bad sportsmanship!  We're stuck with a bunch of whining losers who, if they actually make it on the track, will be impossible to support because of their exploits off it.

Australia has over 400 athletes in London, and the majority are probably great. But its the 20 or so who are having tantrums about anything and everything in sight. Like this guy...

http://www.theage.com.au/olympics/athletics-london-2012/ross-threatens-olympic-walkout-20120725-22ppm.html

Give us your best victim pose

Sprinter Josh Ross is warning the Australian Olympic Committee he will abandon the London Games if he does not receive a legitimate explanation for the reason behind his federation failing to nominate him to race in the 100 metres individual event.

Why doesn't the AOC have a plane waiting at Heathrow for all the ungrateful 'athletes', fuelled and ready to take them home where they can be forgotten. Call their bluff. Rattle a tin around the streets to raise money for it, no doubt people will only be too happy to contribute.


Ross, who is a member of Australia's 4x100m relay team, is eligible to compete in the Olympics blue riband event because he clocked 10:23 seconds – a B-qualifying standard time – at the nationals earlier this year and at a recent meet in Europe.

He's eligible - not deserving.

However, he has reached breaking point after Athletics Australia officials would not tell him why he was overlooked. Melissa Breen was nominated for the women's 100m after she ran a B-standard time and selectors will soon choose between fellow B-qualifiers Steve Solomon and John Steffensen to compete in the 400m event.

To quote a 6 year old when his brother gets a bigger ice cream "but its not fairrrrrr"

“I'm actually thinking about pulling out all together if I don't get answers,” Ross said. “I'll actually be happy to pull out if I don't get answers to why I wasn't nominated for the 100m.”

You'll be "happy" to pull out? So evidently the fact that you are lucky enough to be competing in an OLYMPICS at all means absolutely nothing. I would have though it would be a lifelong dream for most athletes. Gotta love that commitment to excellence.

Ross said he was committed to sacrificing his place at the Olympics and would “have to” live with what many people would consider an extreme action because – after coming out of retirement and giving his all to represent Australia at London – he has felt a distinct lack of respect from his sport's officialdom.

And what respect have you earned? What respect are you showing to your sport, your team, your country? If you do go home, you will be leaving the rest of the 4 x 100 relay team in the lurch. Great team player.

“All I wanted is an answer, a simple answer,” he said. “I'm doing this because I haven't got any answers personally. I've been trying to get answers but because it's always being hand-balled to other people it's been difficult to find a straight answer. The strangest thing of all is I'm trying to find out why they nominated Steve Solomon and John Steffensen to run but didn't want to nominate me.

Don't worry about Steffensen, you don't need any answers about him, he has nothing to do with you. Just worry about yourself. maybe worry about trying to run faster even?

“Am I not good enough? Am I not good enough to them to run the 100m when I have proven time and time again that Josh Ross always comes through with the goods . . . 'Am I not good enough to be nominated?' That is the big question – although it is a strange question.”

Its not a strange question. No. Josh Ross is not good enough. Always comes through with the goods? When?

Ross believed such a stance was required to ultimately improve the lot for Australia's athletes. He could not understand why his federation would not nominate the likes of himself or Tamsyn Manou (nee Lewis), a triple Olympian and former world indoor champion who was not even selected for the team despite posting a B-qualifier for the 800m .

First you're riding Steffensen's coattails, and now Tamsyn Lewis? Geez, you've picked some real winner there. Steffensen and Lewis weren't nominated because they are not good enough, they didn't qualify. And, more importantly they weren't nominated because they are annoying, bad sports, and because more trouble than they're worth.

And well done Ross, you've catapulted yourself to their lofty heights.

Great Britain has nominated athletes who have run B-qualifying times in the men's 100m and women's 800m. “There is a bigger picture than just me not running or Tamsyn and whoever else,” Ross said. “You have to look at the future of the sport, the up-and-coming athletes.

Firstly, if the future of Athletics in Australia is Steffensen, Tamsyn Lewis and Josh Ross, then its probably time to give the game away. Secondly, Lewis has retired, Ross has come out of retirement, and Steffensen is a never was. So what future is it that you speak of?

We have the best 400m sprinter [Steffensen] that we've ever seen on the team and he's not [picked yet]; we have our best 100m sprinter and he's not making it ... the younger athletes must be thinking 'if they're not making it what hope do I have?'

Well Josh Ross, not including Steffensen will show young athletes that they aren’t owed any favours, and that running their mouths off isn’t a way to get what they want. That’s the message it sends. And hopefully they listen, so we don't have to put up with a new crop of whingers in 2016.

I think it is time to fix athletics in this country and [for the officials] to do things the right way. “If we don't speak up now and make stands to change the sport it will never happen, I just want you to know this is [the reason for] my stand.”

based in the past week, Australian athlectis will be well on its way to being fixed when Ross, Steffensen and Lewis are no longer a part of it.

And having a tanty because you don't get things your way is not the same as making a stand.

Ross said the chance for him to compete against Jamaica's world champion Usain Bolt, history's fastest man, would perhaps help AA to inspire youngsters to remain in a sport that constantly loses its best prospects to the football codes.

Using the word “compete” is being very generous. Taking his B-qualifying form into the race, Ross wont get past the heats. So he will have to get drawn in the same heat at Bolt if he wants to race him. And if this happens, the only time we will see the two is the same tv screen is if Bolt is still on the track celebrating his cruisy victory, as Ross huffs and puffs past a few seconds later on his on his way to the finish.

And INSPIRE youngsters? What kind of inspiration have you been so far? Complain. Whine. Complain some more. And if you don't get what you want, take your bat and ball and go home. A true role model for the kids out there.

More importantly, no matter your exploits on the track, you and your team mates have already outshone them, there's not enough Gold in the world to eclipse your whining.

“Australians want to see Australians compete,” he said. “The fact is I'm here in London [where I'm being accommodated, clothed and fed] so why not let me run?”

No Josh, that may have been true at previous Olympics, but not any more. After yours and your mates behaviour, most people want to see you actually live out your threats. Go home.

The Amazing Race to London 2012

The Olympics don't start for a few days, but already a race has been run and won.

The race to London via the Australian media. How have the athletes navigated the treacherous waters of the Australian media in the lead up to London? There have been numerous traps along the way, and while some have got through successfully, others have failed miserably. Answering any questions by Carrie Bickmore and the 7pm Project is to flirt with failure. And to be spoken to or associated with Hamish and Hamish turns any athlete into a D grade wannabe celeb, and is cause for instant disqualification.

So who's made it to London unscathed and with class intact? And who has embarrassed themselves by whining, stupidity and generally being talentless? (its fair to say a lot have)

The results are in...

Gold Medal
Sally Pearson

For Australia's most high profile and best chance at an Athletics Gold, not much has been heard from Sally. And that's the exact reason she is our best chance to win Gold. She goes to London for one reason, to win Gold. And the Australian media hasn't distracted her from that. She wont be silencing her critics because there are none. She lets her talents do the talking, and has stayed out of all the nonsense that has been going on with her team mates.Even though its too late for you Tamsyn Lewis, take note, this is how you become a champion.

Silver Medal
The Women's Basketball Team

The Opals walk with swagger, and hold themselves with the confidence and professionalism of a team with business to get done. Try as they might, B-grade AFL and NRL journalists moonlighting as Olympic journalists haven't been able to get close to controversy.

The media made a huge song and dance about the Opals having to travel economy class while the mens team got business class. The team was baited and baited by a over excited media who were drooling on the anticipation of a gender inequality story to outrage the masses. But the Opals gave them nothing. And in the background, the inequality was rectified by Basketball Australia, and the Opals didn't miss a single minute of training. Journos ran around like headless chickens looking for somewhere to start some drama, but had to settle from comments from themselves, as the Opals bought into none of it. A huge test resulted in a flawless, winning effort.

Bronze Medal  DQ
Stephanie Rice

Carrying the unfortunate Bruce McAvainy title of "Australia's Golden Girl" from the 2008 Games, hers was always going to be an arduous race. Moreso than being a winner, being a young and pretty lady attracts the media like blood thirsty vultures circling above, just waiting for the next mistake or controversy which they can dive on and devour. Her degree of difficulty has been extreme, and by no means has she run a perfect race. She was in Steffensen territory for a while with her monumental twitter blunders early in the piece, and the bad start cost her the gold in this race. But somehow she's been able to surprise everyone, and has powered through the home straight, with all recent coverage being about her training and progress from injury, and not her looks or tweets. No mean feat. And she goes to London with a reputation as a fierce competitor, not a just a glamour girl, so she's done something right.



Update 25/07/12 PM
Whoops. An automatic DQ for Rice. A reliable source has provided a photograph of her, not only with Hamish and Hamish, but with one half of Dumb and Dumber as well. A moment of insanity, and an indisputable disqualification. Her race to London ends in a spectacular last minute failure.




4th Place
Steve Hooker

Was on his way to a podium finish, but got involved with Steffensen. As a big time athlete, he should have known better. Hooker has had a tough run to these Olympics, but is still aiming to win. Not just compete, but win. He's not blaiming anyone else for his woes, and he's only focused on fixing them. As the Captain of the biggest bunch of whingers in London Australian Athletics Team, he's had a lot of stupidity to deal with. But Steffensen aside, he managed to stay out of the turbulence, which is truly an amazing effort.

5th Place
Natalie Cook

In one shot, the 2000 Gold medalist spared us all from the predictable debate about beach volleyball bikinis before it got off the ground. When a 5-time Olympian says that her uniform is the most practical and comfortable thing to wear, there is no argument to be had. The permanently outraged hadn't even been able to climb atop their high horses and shout sexism, when their arguments were mooted to irrelevancy.

But on the homestretch she has taken her eyes off the prize in the race to London with her clanger about deserving to be the flag bearer. Whether or not she's deserving of the honour, is a little trashy to tell everyone that it should be hers. Her threats of a sit-in protest may or may not have been said in jest, but it doesn't matter, the smallest hint of dissent or controversy, arrogance or sexism, is like shooting fish in a barrel for the Aussie media. And they pounced big time, by the end even Dawn Fraser had a say. Rookie error by the Olympic veteran.

6th Place
Kendrink Monk

Swimming isn't a team sport, but stupidity evidently is. Monk and his thug mate D'Arcy were named Dumb and Dumber after a photo of them in a gun shop in the US was posted on Facebook. Although the ensuing outrage was really just an excuse for the media to make some noise, and no one genuinely cared, these dimwits should have seen the outrage coming. But the photo was really just the icing on the cake for Monk.


Ahh Monk. A swimmer training for an Olympics cruisin' on a skateboard would normally win any race to stupidville, but its what happened next which makes this guy a real dud. The fall from the skateboard and resulting broken arm was of course inevitable, but making up an impossible story about a hit and run accident to cover it up? Monk, you're just not smart enough to pull off a lie that size! Much better to say that you were rolling with your homie D'Arcy who got both of you into a fight at a pub. No one would have questioned it.

7th Place
John Steffensen

Saved from last place by his female equivalent, how this guy is on the team is truly astounding. Even with the fact that he has not come close to the qualifying time; all of his yapping to anyone who will listen; his endless, unsubstantiated claims of racism and prejudice; and his staging of a one-man boycott of the Games, Steffensen has still somehow found himself with a ticket to London. If there's any prejudice going on, its that Steffensen gets preferential treatment! Why Athletics Australia didn't gleefully accept his boycott and move on is a mystery for the ages. Wait for his track campaign to end with last place in his heat.

And not to mention his incoherent tweets! Its not just his attitude that needs work, its also his spelling and grammer. Its astonishing.

DNF
Tamsyn Lewis

Hasn’t come close to the Olympic qualification time for any event, yet somehow still feels justified to complain and cry foul about being uninvited to anyone silly enough not to run in the opposite direction. Constantly playing the victim, she looks for publicity at the lowest common denominator – from the trashy current affairs shows to Zoo Magazine. On the rare occasion she is in the media spotlight for athletics, there’s more nonsense drama than an episode of The Shire.  The uncontrollable tears about coming last in Beijing and her on-track spat with Jana Pittman embarrassed everybody involved. She carries herself with the poise of spoilt pre-teen brat, and wonders why a spot in London isn’t handed to her on a silver platter. In fact the only thing she has got right is claiming that “I'm not wanted”. You're not Tamsyn. You definitely are not.