Aussie Award Ceremonies Are the Greatest

Ahh Australian Awards ceremonies.

I always look forward to them, and they always deliver. And the greatest ever Aussie awards ceremony was the ARIA Awards of 2010.

Who could forget the shambolic format of trying to award the winners from the middle of what seemed to be a crowded outdoor bar at the Sydney Opera House. When an award was announced, it was pure gold seeing how long it would take the cameras to find the winners. Or the cuts to hosts who stood quietly for 20 seconds before realising they were on, as the chances of the ARIAs being shown on tv in 2011 nosedived with every awkward, silent second. "Yes, you're on! Go..."

When the host and cameras finally did find the winner, they could barely hear each other, and memories of trying to chat up a hottie at the nightclub by screaming at them over the music at the local nightclub came flooding back to everyone.

A sign of how successful this watershed night was going to be was when Powderfinger were tracked down to be presented for an ARIA and exclaimed in confusion "What did we win again?"  Good work guys, just throw it on the pile have another beer! The bar tab runs out at 10!

And on a night of some terrible music, it was left to Lara Bingle to show just how bad bad singing can be. When interviewing Jason Derulo (just why was he there again?), she attempted to sing his name as he so humbly does in all of his tracks. But she wound up sounding like a cross between a preteen boy who's voice hasn't quite dropped and dying rhinoceros. Classic.

2010 ARIA presenters rushed home
with Carmen Electra on their minds

The running joke of the night was for all the male presenters to ogle and grunt about what they would like to do to the other international guest, Carmen Electra. First it resembled a conversation of frustrated men at an outer suburban BBQ have while their wives are safely out of earshot making salads. And then it turned into what a guy in a trench coat says to the first female call centre operator who answers his call from a public phone booth at 11pm. The look on Carmen's face said in no uncertain terms "get me the f*&! out of here, NOW". The kind of universally pained look that your female friend gets at a bar when the creepy guy with the ponytail and baked bean teeth dances his inappropriately tight acid wash jeans toward her.



The fun didn't stop there! The absolute highlight of the night, and one of the highlights of 2010 was yet to come. Helloooo Jessica Mauboy!!! In speaking about some new artist's first album, she somehow thought it was pronounced... "DEE-BUT". Twice. The first time it was like "did she just say...", and when she said it the second time, there was no denying it. Didn't anyone ever correct her when she released her own dee-butt album?

What do you mean "Silent T"?

So many other memories... Sia showing class by saying she was going to shove her aria "up her bum", INXS with yet another 'guest' front man... The list goes on.

I had intended to write about the 2012 Gold Logie nominees, but after writing the first line of this post, it just wrote itself... Bring on the 2012 Logies! Cant wait!

Where's Kony?

Stop Kony has been a huge Internet phenomenon, the biggest I can think of since Beyonce's and Jay Z's baby pictures. Will the end result be the same as every other social media change - A few updated Facebook profile pictures and a brief time in Twitter's top trends?

Or will Kony2012 be the first campaign to actually get people off their iPhones and laptops, and do something more than changing their Facebook status to say that they will do something? I doubt it. As with all Internet calls to arms, this one has been most highly received by school kids and university kids. Not really game changers...

So can Kony keep his Internet infamy up? Or will it all stop before he can be... stopped? Surely no one can keep Snooki's pregnancy down for too long? One quick look around online, and its not looking good for Kony, but he's working hard to stay relevant...

Twitter

Out trended by Carrie Underwood. Kony is going to have to audition for American Idol if he wants enduring fame.

You Tube

After realising he can't sing, the enigmatic Kony has turned Ugandan Hardstyle DJ. But not even that can make a real life warlord more interesting than a SUPER Pirate Battle Royale!

Facebook

After giving up on his own talents, Kony is now masquerading as REAL jungle warrior Carl Weathers from Predator to stay famous.  And he has many fooled... 

Tumblr
Ouch! Kony has become the butt of jokes. Is this his final slide into yesterday's news, or can he use it to hang on to fame? It's worked ok for the Hoff and Chuck Norris...

Poor old Kony, looks like his 15 minutes online could be up already. He should take it from someone who knows, Internet fame is fleeting...

Please, No More Hamish & Hamish

Oh no, the 'lads' are back.  

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/tv-radio/hamish-blake-and-andy-lee-part-of-london-olympic-games-coverage/story-e6frf9ho-1226294648626

How can Hamish & Hamish keep coming back to serve up the same rubbish over and over, and pollute our TV screen? Was it that channel 9 signed them on prior to their last Gap Year failure? Did anyone at Channel 9 think it was agood idea to persist with them?

Whatever the reason, its no surprise that Hamish & Hamish are being wheeled out yet again, this time for the London Olympics. In what will no doubt be another cringe worthy flop, channel 9 will be thankful that the Olympics is only 2 weeks long.

Their show is to be set in a London pub, so we can already anticipate the quality of the show, and look forward to an audience of scumbag Aussie bogans living in London. As always, it’s the lowest common denominator. Look out for the shots of drunken bogans draped in the Aussie flag with ‘Hi Mum’ posters. No doubt the ‘lads’ will produce their tired routine of laughing at their own jokes, poking fun at their parents and encouraging imbeciles to act stupid. Can’t wait to watch some degenerate Aussie backpackers in a foot race through the pub while holding beers. Hope the $10 prize is worth their dignity. And then Hamish & Hamish will make fun of sports they don’t understand. “Hey Hamish, look at me in this wresting uniform, how funny am I? Lets just laugh at how silly I look for an hour, and then the show will be over for today.”

Yep, this is the quality you can expect

And naturally, this show is not an original idea. Its a rip off of the Roy & HG show during the 2000 Olympics. That was 12 years ago. Move on. But the main point of difference with Roy & HG was that they were already associated with sports and sports presenting. They were watchable, and they had enough substance and took their show seriously enough to produce some interesting interviews with some pretty impressive Olympic guests. What guests will Hamish & Hamish have? No manager would let their elite sportsmen near them. Don’t expect Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps? No, if they’re lucky they’ll get some young Aussie nobodies who don’t know any better.

By the end, Hamish & Hamish’s Olympic show will have as much to do with the Olympics as their Gap Year show had to do with New York City. I’m sure we’ll get to see some of their madcap hilarity around London – annoying Londoners on the tube, and being obnoxious to people who don’t speak English.

When will it end?

Online But Not On Time

So now that Harvey Norman has entered the online market, albeit 5 years late, they are not happy with it.

http://www.theage.com.au/business/web-hardly-working-for-harvey-norman-20120302-1u7ka.html

Harvey Norman was one of the biggest critics of online shopping, claiming that it was 'stealing' customers from bricks and mortar stores by 'avoiding the GST'.  Even a preschooler can see that the GST has nothing to do with the move to online shopping.  And now Harvey Norman knows it.  There are countless reasons...

All online shoppers know the savings on online shopping are huge, even with shipping fees. Which begs the question, why do we pay so much for clothes and stuff here in Aus?  I don't want to hear any rubbish about GST to explain it.

Of course there's also the range of stuff available online. We are so limited in what we can buy in Australia when it comes to clothes, shoes, books and music (to name a few items).  But if you are lucky enough to find a store stocking your favorite jeans or book, and the price isn't too ridiculous - chances are it wont be in stock. So many times the shelves are empty, and only XXXXXL or XXXXS are left.

And then there is the atrocious assistance you get from the bored staff at places like Myer, DJs, and of course Harvey Norman. If you are lucky enough to find someone to help you, and manage to get their attention, the chances of them knowing or caring about the product you need help with are less than the chance of Harvey Norman admitting that the explosion in online sale has nothing to do with GST.

And lastly there's the opening hours. When will the major stores move to being open week nights? People have been working 9 - 5 for a long time now...

Then there's also the countless time-burglars with their stupid questions who try to pay in coins, and degenerates screaming at their kids you encounter at the shops. And the idiots in their enormous cars which they cant park properly. Stuff of nightmares. But stores can't do much about this...

And this brings me back to Harvey Norman's online adventure. He has claimed on countless occasions that online shopping is popular because of the avoidance of GST. If this was the case, why didn't his foray into the new world work?  If the only reason online shoppers are not hitting the shopping malls is to avoid 10% GST, surely a trusted name like Harvey Norman would clean up online?  I have never used Harvey Norman online, but I hope they have learned that it takes a lot more that dropping the GST to get people clicking on their site.

Have it or eat it, Harvey Norman, you can't do both.

The fact is, online shopping only counts for 5% of retail sales in Aus.

If the current retailers with their huge market share can't deal with a competitor taking 5%, then maybe its their business model that's in trouble.  Lobbying the government and trying to guilt people to stop shopping online isn't the answer.

Here a few tips - drop your prices to reasonable, globally competitive prices, make it easier to get the right size of clothes, and above all, get some staff who are actually going to help. Fire the bored uni students who are too busy updating their Facebook to do their jobs. Bricks and mortar stores have a natural unbeatable advantage over online stores - sales assistance. USE IT!

I'm off to buy some sneakers...  *Alt - Tab, new browser, credit card, boom*

Who's in Charge?

All these rubbish goings on with Rudd and Gillard have got me wondering who is in charge at the moment?

How can the Prime Minister, Foreign Minister, and all the other federal MPs just drop everything to focus all their attention on the battle for the leadership of the Labour Party?  Do they not have any work to do as part of their portfolios, or for their electorates? Do they do any work?  Who is leading the Government?

One of the biggest concerns about this situation is that its more of a fight to lead the Labour Party than it is to lead the COUNTRY! Its almost as though the promised land of leading Labour comes with the annoying distraction of being in charge of Australia.

"Oh yeah, who ever wins the Labour Party leadership also has to be Prime Minister"

Its also a worry that a political party can have so much disharmony and disagreement. No matter who wins, Rudd or Gillard, how will they ever be able to get things done when they can even agree within their own party, within a minority government? Then again, does it really matter who gets in? Will they even TRY to get anything done when in power?

The Rudd v Gillard issue also shows a sorry state of affairs where politicians have their priorities so completely out of order that its a wonder how we still have electricity and running water in Australia. It seems the priorities of government Ministers are ordered like this:

1. Serve your own ego. Empire build. Increase your own importance by commenting on everything from cricket to Qantas.
2. Political point scoring, take the short term view to win the next election while making the least possible amount of decisions and actions.
3. Allegiance to the party line, disregarding common sense, what the majority of people want, and what is needed to be done.
4. Avoid all accountability and responsibility by deflecting issues to the opposition or previous government, without any hint of what you will do to solve the problem.
5. And finally, as long as it doesn't interfere with the points above, and if you have time, doing what you were elected to do - govern the country.

This can be said for all politicians, no matter what party, and whether federal or state.  No wonder we are a little backward in Aus!  I wonder if these forgettable politicians will ever be able to look back on their careers and be proud of their achievements?

"My biggest achievement as Minister was to engage consultants to perform a study on an issue in my portfolio which was raised in the media. Nothing ever came of the study, but if anyone asked, then I was able to say that I did something about the issue.  I never read the final paper, but it was completed by a reputable firm, it cost $10 million, and I got a few nice lunches out of it, so I'm sure it had some good recommendations." 

Ever wondered what happened to your government report?
Hope you didn't spend too many late nights on it!

A favorite quote of mine is:

"All politics should be taken out of government!!"

Its mostly my favorite quote because I came up with it just now, but also because I think it rings true.  How do you get out of bad situations without making the tough choices?  It seems all governments in Aus are happy to lead us into oblivion, as long as it allows them to avoid potentially unpopular decisions.

So this post has meandered away from Rudd and Gillard and on to all governments in general.  But maybe that's how it should be.  No matter who wins, Rudd v Gillard, and whoever v Abbot at the next election, none of them will get anything done. They'll whine away about the opposition, the opposition will bullishly disagree with everything, and more studies and reports will be added to the bonfire of unread documents.

Anyhow, enough politics, Furturama has said it best anyway!

John Jackson vs Jack Johnson candidate debate...

500!!!!!

Brilliant! 500 page views for my humble Blog!

500 was a bit of a goal for me, and I'm stoked!

Thanks to everyone who has had a read of my thoughts.  I hope you realise that my opinions are ALWAYS right, and have had a bit of a laugh along the way.  Most people who have read it are probably my friends, so thanks for listening, and spreading the word.

And thanks to the 25 Russians who make Russia my second biggest audience after Australia.  I hope you guys are enjoying an insight into Aussie tv!!

 

Scared to a Sweet Sugary Death

Step aside Howard Florey. Your discovery of Penicillin has got nothing on these Scientists' discovery:

...Sugar is as toxic as tobacco and and alcohol. 

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/healthnews/8412778/sugar-more-toxic-than-alcohol-scientists-claim

So here we go again. Some so-called experts with over-inflated egos are trying to scare everyone by claiming that sugar is the next big toxic killer. Hide your children, the killer sugar cube is coming your way.

Armed and dangerous.
Known to attack children with chocolate and lemonade. 

What have these scientists done with their academic lives? Rather that studying for years and getting PhDs to figure out that too much sugar is unhealthy, they could have just listened to their Mums when told too much sugar will make them fat. Even the Cookie Monster knows that cookies are a "sometimes food". He doesn't need a University degree! The rest of us had it figured before we hit double figures, why did these guys need PhDs to learn this bleeding obvious stuff? A bit of common sense would have done.

Realising that their groundbreaking discovery was not enough to justify their next Government grant, the Scientists thought they'd kick it up a notch and throw in some alarmist fear and yell from the rooftops that not only is sugar bad for you, its the spawn of Satan, its toxic and its out to kill you, and a single donut is akin to playing Russian Roulette with a rocket propelled grenade. Repent you chocoholics, repent.

Some of their quotes are as toxic as they claim sugar to be:

[The Scientists] call for restrictions and controls on sugar that mirror those on tobacco and alcohol.

I look forward to the day that some underagers bail me up outside 7-Eleven to buy them a pack of sugar. "Aw come on man, Grandmas coming over, and she has half a sugar with her tea. Mums gonna be pissed if I don't score some tonight"

They point out that, at the levels consumed in the West, sugar altered metabolism, raised blood pressure, disrupted hormone signalling and caused significant damage to the liver that was still not fully understood.

Whats not understood? That too much sugar is bad for you? I've known that since I first saw a fat person dominating 6 donuts for desert after eating a bucket of fried chicken.

The health hazards were similar to the effects of drinking too much alcohol — which was, in any event, manufactured from the distillation of sugar.

Similar to the effects of alcohol? What sugar are they eating? I'll take two! The next round of sugars are on me!

Alcohol is made from sugar. Ok. Penicillin is made from mould - is this bad for you? Vodka is made from potatoes - mash and gravy shooters? Yes please!

As long as the public thinks that sugar is just 'empty calories', we have no chance in solving this.

Who thinks this? Who has even heard of "empty" calories? What will you solve? Fat?

In their commentary, the experts propose adding taxes to processed foods that contain any form of added sugar. These would include carbonated drinks, other sugar-sweetened beverages such as juice and chocolate milk, and sugared cereals.

Yes tax everything that anyone could possibly eat. Raising the cost of living always helps promote a happy and healthy society. There's no downside.

Other strategies included controlling access with measures such as age limits for the purchase of sugary drinks, and tightening controls on vending machines and snack bars in schools and workplaces.

Let me be clear. If ANYONE tries to stop me from buying a Snickers during a sh!t day at work, they'd better be armed with more than facts and studies!

However, the scientists stressed that to achieve a societal shift away from high sugar consumption, the public had to be better informed about the emerging science behind sugar.

'Emerging' science? Is sugar a new phenomenon? Has Sovereign Hill's ye olde boiled lolly shop been lying to us all these years?

The experts concluded in their article: "Regulating sugar will not be easy — particularly in the 'emerging markets' of developing countries where soft drinks are often cheaper than potable water or milk.

Developing countries? The Scientists want to restrict food in Ethiopia for fear that the people there are eating too much and getting fat????????? Consider the Nobel Prize for Science awarded!

When will the danger end? If you listen to this and all the other scare mongering that goes on, then everything you could possibly eat, drink, breathe, hear, see, smell or do is bringing you one step closer to a gruesome death. Your only salvation is to never leave your house again and not do anything that remotely resembles living your life!    

...Alternatively you could just grab a coffee and a muffin and get on with your life.

Toxic as tobacco and alcohol?
In that case I'll take two boxes, a bottle of Tequila and fat Cuban cigar to go.
I'll see you all at the cemetery.

Any anyway, there's plenty more things out there that are more scary than sugar...