Get On Your Bike

The Vic State Government does some pretty silly things to pander to interest groups, minor parties, independents and to try win marginal seats. And this one is right up there.

This time its Public Transports Minister, Terry Mulder, banging on about the ridiculous Melbourne Bike Share scheme, and trying to get people into it after 3 years of failure by offering free helmets.

An unexpected side effect of the bike share was the
 explosion of artistic Melbourne photos on Instagram.

Here you can see how stubborn a government can be to not admit they made a mistake, even if it means saying things that can’t possibly be believed. This kind of Government spin in defiance of facts hasn't been seen since the start of the Iraq war, when the Iraqi Information Minister insisted the Americans were nowhere near Baghdad airport, despite the fact B52s were happily landing there under the Stars and Stripes. Mules are said to be stubborn but even a mule would be a better option for getting around the CBD than those ridiculous chunky blue bikes.

"mmmuuuule"

The article in today's Age says it all...

Two hundred free helmets will be distributed, covering a third of the bikes in the Melbourne scheme, which costs Victorian taxpayers about $50,000 a month in helmet subsidies, plus $5 million over five years

How can the State Government justify spending even one dollar on a useless, pointless scheme that has proven to be a money draining failure? Surely the $5 million could better be spent on 1001 other things within the Public Transport portfolio. A new tram or train. An improved road. Anything. But no. Melbourne has the same public transport problems and the same traffic jams which existed in 1970. Good money is continually thrown into harebrained publicity stunts disguised as improvements.

Public Transport Minister Terry Mulder said helmets, which to date have not been available at bike stands, had been a stumbling block since the program began in 2010.

"The big hitch from day one was the issue with helmets," Mr Mulder said. "It really wasn't given enough consideration when the program was put into place in Victoria.

Not given enough consideration? Lack of common sense is rife in parliament, so I can accept that Mulder wasn't able to understand simple and obvious realities. But the fact that none of the advisers, consultants, staffers and hangers-on who would have been paid millions to develop this scheme – none of these guys thought helmets might be an issue? It was never raised once? That is utterly unbelievable. And with every media outlet, every article, every member of the public saying this scheme wouldn't work because of the helmets, it's impossible that it wasn't brought to the attention of Mulder.

Its a simple formula:

Helmet owners = bike owners = don't need to rent a bike. 

Potential bike renters = not bike owners = don't own helmets.

No. They all KNEW helmets were going to be the problem that would kill this scheme. But no doubt the funding was approved, they'd got the greens on side with an environmentally friendly initiative, the press conference was booked, and too many consultants had contract extensions pending for anyone to hit the brakes on this out of control bike racing down Collins St.

"That caused the system to be very slow in terms of uptake. We'd like to think we'd get to a point where we would break even, if possible."

Break Even – if possible. Reach for the stars. If possible.

There are so many other reasons that this program was never going to work. Unlike Amsterdam and Copenhagen where everybody rides bikes, here in Melbourne, either you ride, or you don't. Its that simple. If you ride, you have a bike and helmet, and if you don't ride, you don't own either, and have no intention of hiring a bike.

Perfect spot for a leisurely ride

And not forgetting the CBD is one of the worst possible places for tourists and novices to ride. This is not San Francisco, where you can jump on a bike, leisurely ride along the foreshore and Golden Gate bike tracks with all the other slow going tourists and catch the ferry back! Here you get trams, tram tracks, hook turns, pedestrians with iPods walking all over the place, traffic, weekend hero bike riders with Cadell Evans complexes, all with the seemingly single minded intent of making you go over your handlebars and breaking your collarbone. There is no worse way for someone to get to know Melbourne or biking in general.

[Mulder] said RACV contractors would regularly clean the free helmets and he understood there would be no health issues

Will the RACV also be fishing the helmets out of drains and rubbish bins? Will they be taking them from drunken city workers' heads on Friday nights? Would you wear a helmet that still had chunks of vomit in it?

Would you rub your head all over the filthiest, sweatiest person you see walking past you on Bourke St? No? What about wearing their helmet?

Mr Mulder said the government had no plans to axe the program, despite its failure to break even. "There is no intention whatsoever to stop the scheme. We just want to make sure we get the scheme working better than it is at the moment," he said.

Of course not, axing it would be to admit they made a mistake, and may look bad.  Never change your mind, even if it is the most obvious action and will save money. The only solace is that eventually this program will quietly disappear, no doubt with the Government claiming it was only ever a 5 year trial.

The bikes are still struggling to attract users, with some bike docking stations being used less than once a day on average in January. 

The busiest stations are at Federation Square and Sandridge Bridge at Southbank, the only two that attracted more than 1000 users in January.

There are roughly 50 bikes at those two stations. That's 0.65 usages per bike per day. So a bike being used less than once a day in Melbourne's warmest and sunniest month is as good as it gets? You'd get in trouble from your parents for using the shiny new bike they got for your birthday that little. Would hate to see the August results.

But Mr Mulder said the government was considering expanding the scheme further into the inner suburbs, with Port Phillip and Yarra councils indicating interest.

Mulder, are you MAD? It is one thing to try save face by not axing the program, in spite of common sense, the blatantly obvious, and clear-as-day facts. But to even imply that this program could be extended is a farce. Based on that comment alone, Mulder should hire one of his beloved bikes, and ride himself straight to the closest asylum. He should even take the helmet with him, he'll need it for his padded room.

Mr Mulder said uptake rose about 30,000 last year from 102,000 uses to 137,000.

These may look like big numbers...

As per the bike share website there are 600 bikes at 51 stations. So the 137,000 uses equates to each bike being used two times every three days. Enough said.

Twitter Quitter

What is it with sports coverage and Twitter?

It seems you can't watch a minute of the footy on channel 7 without Luke D'Arcy blabbering on about 'receiving' a tweet from bigdog44 about the last goal. They also got into it in the cricket commentary this summer. And again with the 'I've received a tweet'. Do these commentators not understand how Twitter works? Do they think that all tweets on their Twitter feed are for their eyes only? That they in a privileged position where only they can read tweets to the masses who are desperate for any hint of what is happening on Twitter? Do they ever consider commentating the game, rather than reading their Twitter feeds?

The big news was taken to another level today in The Age with news of the Aussie cricket coach quitting the team...

Oh hold up. 

Twitter? He quit TWITTER?

Not ONE, not TWO, but THREE headlines about a sports coach quitting Twitter? Woah, What will he do do now? Did he think about this? What will Aussie cricket do now? What will Twitter do now? And what will Luke D'Arcy and the other commentators do? 

Where were you 7 hours ago on 19 March 2013?

Geez, if someone quitting Twitter warrants three headlines, imagine what would happen if he quit Facebook! 

Is this news? Is this the high school play ground? Whats next?

O. M. G. He. Quit. Twitter. Seriously.

Andy Murray Outdated Dundee

Tennis Dundee?? The Scots think so...

Although this poster isn't aimed at Australians, it's interesting to see the way we're seen from some foreign eyes. Essentially an exploitation film, Crocodile Dundee has about as much to do with the Australian way as summer in July. Its all but a distant memory here. Paul Hogan's last TV appearance was in fighting the Tax Office in court, and I doubt any of the Crocodile Dundee movies even made to DVD from VHS.

The only aberration was the embarrassing and ill fated bid for the 2022 FIFA World Cup which used Croc Dundee in what can only be assumed was an attempt to sell Australia as a bunch of simpletons and bushmen who want the World Cup. Obviously that bid was laughed out of the FIFA offices when it was time for the adults to get serious.

Not too sure about the tag line either: "He's here for your trophy... And your Sheilas"

The last time Australia could consider the trophy as 'ours' was in 1976 when Mark Edmondson won it. So unless Murray is looking to take on a former winner for a 37 year old trophy, he best look to take the title from fellow European and 2012 winner Novak Djokovic, rather than any Australian. But if Murray is only about beating the Aussies he's only got Tomic and Hewitt, who not even the most one-eyed Aussie tennis fan could say are contenders. Surely the world number 3 has bigger objectives? And Australia's relationship with Tomic and Hewitt is at best one of cautious tolerance - people kind of want to like them, but the next tantrum is always just around the corner.

And as for the Sheilas? Murray is more than welcome to them. He'd just have to visit the set of Neighbours in 1988 which was the last time a woman referred to herself as a Shiela. But I'm thinking both Murray and his long term girlfriend, Kim Sears, might not be completely ok with the idea of sharing the hotel room with a moccasin wearing, permed up sheila drinking Westcoast Cooler and smoking Winnie Reds.

Still, its all really about setting up some friendly rivalry in the tournament. Britain vs Australia is probably a better sell than Scotland vs the Swiss and the Serbs. The only problem is that most Australians would like to see Murray win just as much as the Brits do!

Where's The Cricket?

It used to be that the Day-Nighters were the biggest events of the summer.

Especially when the Windies came to town. Viv Richards, Courtney Walsh, and Curtley Ambrose loomed large. Thank God we had Steve Waugh, Merv Hughes and Dean Jones on our side. Both teams were full of fire, death stares and egos. Excitement and fireworks were guaranteed.

Fast forward to 2013, and the Windies are back in town. But this time the only fireworks will be actual fireworks and the only dancing down the pitch will be by actual dancers.

Will there be any cricket played at all? The advertising campaign seems to say NO...

Summer's Biggest Dress Up Party

What is this? A 10 year old's birthday party? Summadayze?

Dress ups, DJ promos, Cowboys and Indians. Is that a guy in a gorilla suit? Is the word 'cricket' even on the ad? Are there even any cricketers in the ad? Oh wait, there's Brett Lee. Why is Brett Lee dressed up like he's in a MARIACHI BAND?

If you want to see some one-day cricket this summer, best bet is to dress up and head to a Basement Jaxx concert. Just be sure you don't end up at a music festival somewhere.

Sadly the writing is on the wall when you try to entice the public to attend the cricket by promoting it with everything BUT cricket...

Get Your Pre Game On

Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Someone's hit the moral panic alarm again! Forget the Mayan calendar doomsday, if you believe these latest boffins the end of the world is already nigh. This time the rotation of panic has gone back to alcohol – just in time to ruin your festive season!

People drink too much, alcohol causes violence, yada yada. Please tell us something new. This is not news, it's not a study, it's something everybody already knows, and has known for centuries. This time they've tried to angle the tired old story on what they're calling a new culture in drinking - Pre Loading. One of the classic hallmarks of a moral panic – bring up something that has been going on forever, and claim it as something new to scare the gullible masses.

'Pre Loading' New Culture in Alcohol

Pre loading a NEW culture?? In what world? Also known as Pre Gaming, Pre Drinks, PDs, Travellers or even Prinks, it's been around for years. Ever since an 18 year old with no cash got the night started at his mate's place with a bottle of Highland Queen for $20 rather than pay $9 a shot, pre gaming has been a staple of a night out.

Pregaming
Getting drunk or generally intoxicated before a party or social event regardless if there will be alcohol or other substances available at said event.
Dooder 1: Hay bro why you drinkin that nasty ass Icehouse?
Dooder 2: Just pregaming brah

So why has this study come out now? And why is the target Pre Gaming? Maybe the Professor who authored the study is just pissed because too many of his students are showing up to his classes trashed...

Pregame

Drinking prior to an event, usually a party, but often a college course or lecture
In order to avoid the boredom of Prof Nemitz’s lecture again, we pregamed FME

Reading on in the article, it's evident that Pre Loading has nothing do to with anything. This study is just another run of the mill 'alcohol is bad' and 'let us control every aspect of your life while taxing you for it' moral panic inducing exposé by the permanently outraged. These types of studies achieve nothing and help no one. Their recycled recommendations are so uninspired that its doubtful that even the authors believe them:

Increasing the price of alcohol sold in liquor stores by introducing a levy on packaged drinks would curb the problem

Put up the price of alcohol – please, that's been done before to no avail. Overpriced pre-mixed drink anyone? Australia already pays more for drinks than anywhere else.

The study also recommended restricting trading hours across all venues

Great idea. Maybe they should get some consultants in from the 1920s to see how they dealt with the 6 o'clock swill?

It seems the whole agenda of these Professors and their studies is to get their name in the news and further what I can only assume is their goal of a Totalitarian Nanny State. What's next? Why don't they recommend banning alcohol altogether? And while they're at it, ban coffee, sugar, Maccas, driving to work, watching TV and anything else they don't agree with. Would that make them happy? Because no one else would be!

''We spent a lot of time trying to think of other ways to deal with pre-drinking and simply couldn't,'' Associate Professor Miller said.

You and your meddling study bores aren't invited to my pre game party either, Professor.

As always, it's up to the readers' comments to add some common sense...

But it was just a joke...

Another radio duo, another tired and unfunny prank. Nothing new to see here. But the tragic outcome was a long time coming, it was inevitable that at some stage a joke would miss the mark and hurt someone.

It was a cheap and tasteless hoax – to try and get private information about a sick pregnant lady in hospital, whether she is famous or not. Were they hoping to find out intimate details of Kate’s morning sickness for the enjoyment of radio listeners? Tasteless yes, but its hardly any worse than the cheap stunts that other zany radio duos have done for decades. Other popular 'comedians' such as Hamish and Hamish and The Chaser roll out this rubbish 10 times over. In the absence of good comedy, they all rely on making fun of the public in childish pranks or skits, and assume that it will all be laughed off when its done. And 99% of the time, it is.

But, the 1% has to occur at some stage, and this time, it’s happened to the DJs at 2Day FM. You could call it bad luck, or call it unexpected, but the reality is that you can never know how people will react to your actions. And now, not only has a nurse on the other side of the world been pushed to end her life, but the two radio DJs’ careers are over, and their lives changed for ever. There was no malice in the call; it was just a bit of stupidity. The DJs aren’t bad people, and most definitely shouldn’t be getting death threats. But nonetheless, The DJs and 2Day FM took a risk for some laughs, and it ended badly.

When you play a joke on someone you don’t know, you cannot know what effect it will have on them, you don’t know their state of mind or their background. The DJs have stated over and over that “it was just a stupid joke, we didn’t expect it to go that far”. No doubt this is true, but its the same plight of workplace and schoolyard bullies - “it was just a bit of fun”. That defence doesn’t stand up anymore. Bullying and harassment are no longer accepted in the community and excuses don’t cut it. The outcomes of bullying cases are well documented, and the worst have ended in the victims taking their own lives, exactly what has happened here. And now the DJs and 2Day FM have to be accountable for their actions, regardless of their intent.

Celebs are used to all their private details being aired in the media. In this year alone, the Royal family has been no stranger to their indiscretions going worldwide – from Harry getting crazy in Vegas, to Kate being snapped topless in France. It goes with the territory of being a famous Royal. They would get hoax calls every day, and they are chased by paparazzi and iPhones alike at every corner. And so they are used to it, and they have the support, the power, the publicists and the people to help them deal with it. But the target of this prank was not William and Kate, it wasn’t on the Royal family, or anyone remotely famous. The target of the prank was an anonymous, unknown, non media-savvy hospital worker who happened to answer the phone. She did not know how to deal with the call, and most definitely did not have the ability to deal with the global fallout.

The hoax call was only ever going to end badly for the victim. There was never going to be a scenario where the victim would have a laugh and say “they got me”. Its understandable that the outcome was unexpected, but at the very least, the victim of the prank would be in serious trouble at their workplace, and would most likely lose their job. After all, they had made a serious error by giving away private information about a high profile patient, surely a breach of hospital privacy. the DJ’s knew this, as did the Producers and whoever else approved airing the call at 2Day FM.

This was NEVER going to be a victimless prank, and the radio station made the conscious decision to play the call anyway. They now face the consequences if their actions.

The ARIA Awards 2012

It's almost time for the 2012 Arias. Will they live up to the infamy of the 2010 ARIA Awards?

Once again the list of nominees is baffling. The big question that jumps out in all categories is WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Is this a local battle of the bands, or are these the biggest acts in the country?

Every year an artist emerges from the Breakthrough Artist category to have nominations in pretty much every other award, which would seemingly make them the biggest Australian music act of the year. But every year, the artist is more obscure than the last, which is funny in an industry driven by popularity. Last year it was Boy and Bear, and this year it's an artist known only as 360.

Breakthrough Artist - Release
360 – Falling & Flying
Alpine – A Is For Alpine
Lanie Lane – To The Horses
Matt Corby – Brother
San Cisco – Awkward

Is it a good thing? Or does it point to lack of consistent talent – evidently none of them have the ability to stick around long enough for an invite to next year's awards. And mostly people have never heard of them, before or after the awards, and whether or not they win.

That's not the only oddity in the Album of the Year category this year… The baffling continues…

Album of the Year
360 – Falling & Flying
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Missy Higgins – The Ol' Razzle Dazzle
The Jezabels – Prisoner
The Temper Trap – The Temper Trap

Missy Higgins? Is she still around? Her nomination is for both Album of the Year and best Adult Contemporary. Wow. Is Australia's music taste is that bland that adult contemporary is actually popular? Is the soundtrack to parties and road trips around the country… adult contemporary? Does everyone wear chinos and eat cucumber sandwiches as well? Razzle Dazzle indeed.

And what about the Jezabels… They're also up for best Independent Release. What does that mean? How can the biggest album of the year also be an independent release? Isn't the definition of an independent release mean it's a small, localised release? That's a lot of km's around the country in the old Kombi Van…

And as for the other categories, the confusion continues.

Best Male Artist
360 – Falling & Flying
Angus Stone – Broken Brights
Gotye – Making Mirrors
Guy Sebastian – Battle Scars
Keith Urban – For You
Matt Corby – Into The Flame

Keith Urban is up for Best Male Artist, which is strange because he's not up for any country awards or any other awards. No doubt the guy is a legit big deal in the country scene, but if he hasn't released any albums or singles recently, how is he Best Male Artist? Does going on a TV show count? Is it that ARIA hasn't announced the award for best musician in a TV show as yet?

As for the rest of the categories, they're all full of surprises as expected. Blues and Roots should also be known as the award for 'We Don’t Know to Put Them' – I wonder if they just had a spare table at the ceremony to fill? Over in the 'Are They Still Alive' category, Cold Chisel are up for two awards, and Frenzal Rhomb are in there too. The other categories are filled with the usual mix of reality TV show contestants, and groups who you could swear ARIA just made up for the hell of it.

So what will be the story of the 2012 ARIAs? Which new group will emerge and disappear just as quick? Does anyone even know or care that they are on, now that they're on Channel Go?